Tuesday 30 September 2008

sian.

When Life starts to get better.
Things just gotta get worst.

damn.

losing things far too easily and one day i may lose myself in all this

sucks to be me.

Thursday 25 September 2008

Sometimes when you are ready is when you are one step away from being ready.

shadowplay.

Sometimes.
The more you run,
The more the shadow chases you.
Devouring.
Engulfing.
And there's just so much you can do.
When the others smile just like they had,
And perhaps even brighter.
And you wonder,
If you're the only suffering,
If all this is worth it.
And then you answer it youself.
"Hell, No."
"But it ain't my choice, Is it?"
And you think about it more,
About how in an ideal,
You will be able to walk away with a click of the finger.
or Crtl-Alt-Del.
But the images remain,
as do the numbers and addresses.
And those memories.
Faded, but unforgotten.
Like shadows in a shade.
Batman.
And you look at it another way,
And think of the changes it caused you.
And you are mildly impressed,
By the way you think you handled it,
The differences it made in you.
But you know deep inside.
That someone's handling it much better than you.
And you smile,
And frown,
At the same time.
:S

Tuesday 23 September 2008

Contrast

Well. was looking through my tagboard. and yeah. was once again inspired to think bout life, the universe and everything. And decided to post something though my thoughts are still in its formative stages.

Well. Apparently, everything is a result of contrast. And we are who we are because of that. How fast a man run is only contrasted to how slow another is. How bright a colour is is only compared to how dark the other is. Light is light because of darkness, and the sky is the sky because its not the earth. I am me, compared to you. And you are you, with respect to them. Its not similarities that make us concious beings, its differences. The entire spectrum of colour is seen not by how similar the colours are, but by the minute differences between wavelength to wavelength, colour to colour. People see of 'contrasts' as 'conflicts' of warfare and discrimination. But contrasts also means progress and change, acceptance and to a certain extent, love. What is progress, but a man accomplishing his wish to be different. What is change, but to learn better, new, different ways from the past. What is acceptance, if we are all from a single mould. And what is love, but the union of two of difference. Its the beauty of difference that made this world what it is, and yes, it may not be the best it could be, but could any, dispute the majesty of a waterfall, formed by a difference in height. Or rainbows, contrasting the colours of a spectrum. Or mountains, rising heights above the ground, or canyons, running deep. And similarity is not to be preferred, for is it not conformity that is wanted in communism, or dystopias like those in 1984 or Brave New World. And for the issue of Life and Death, Sure you could have both of them white, and both of them the same, but then, who will understand the Differences between the two. Is it not the realisation of this difference that enpowers christians to look for heaven, and buddhists to look for enlightenment. For eternal Life just isn't the same as eternal Death, at least to me.

There's more to that as it is. but i couldn't really think of more right now. all appearing as a ball of confusion in my head. so shall write it down when i am able to sort it out..

till then

Monday 22 September 2008

Profile change

Just reading my own profile (Yes, I changed it) . And decided that there's much more to it than i could fit there. Much more things that I believe and I could believe in and thus decided to post a full post on it.

Well. Let's begin.

'If enough of us dream, if a bare thousand of us dream, we can change the world. We can dream it anew!'
I am 18. and perhaps as idealist as only someone who's 18 could be and believe in ideals as such. I believe in truth and I believe in lies. I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and things where no one is sure they are true or not. I believe in freedom and I believe in limits. I believe in the vote and the veto. I believe that communism is a false hope and democracy isn't far from that either. I believe that we aren't far from a Utopia and that we are miles from perfecting the world. I believe in 1984 and I believe in brave new world. I believe in the need of a defense force and total disarmament of the world. I believe that someone's is above but that someone isn't always there and that someone could be anyone. I believe in destiny and paths outside his garden. I believe that dreams make legends and that logic make champions. I believe in a single world and I believe in parallel universes. I believe that everyone is born pure and that each is born with potential to sin. I believe in the sacredness of life and the worthlessness it is sometimes. I believe Life is a disease, sexually transmitted and fatal, and Life is a personification. I believe in a man's ability to believe and his ablity to disbelieve. I believe that superman exists and each of us may be superman. I believe that supervillians exists and superheroes therefore must exist to keep them in check. I believe in wonders and I believe in karma. I believe in Heisenberg's uncertainty principle and I believe the world is but random chaos. I believe West Ham will win the EPL one day, and I will believe in what you could tell me, and I will believe in what you wouldn't. I will believe i am crazy and yet am the sanest man on earth.

And I think there's still many things missing from this list. So if you know something where the Jiahao you know definitely believe in yet it isn't there, please inform me via my tagboard or email me. and perhaps i will add them there, or i will give a reason for not doing so.

Saturday 20 September 2008

Life :Better?

Well West ham is leading as i am typing this and hopefully they still are when i am finished with what i guess will be a short post.

Well. After my posts about Life, she seemed to suddenly treat me better. haha. Starting with a good half day off given on friday. which was of course well spent. followed by something that was once a chore but now seemed so much more fun- dYb. And yeah. life seem to turn for the better. the little 'sickness' of my ipod is too cured after i reformatted it. And yeah. WEST HAM WON!! haha.

shall leave anything sad and longer till tomorrow or the days after. kinda tired right now. and euphoric after west ham won. haha. and to add to the pleasure. Just look at the other end of the table.

I'M FOREVER BLOWWING BUBBLES! COME ON YOU IRONS

Tuesday 16 September 2008

music gone

crap. the music in my ears and the apple of my eyes is in crisis. quite literally. my Ipod have met some stupid problem and can't seem to forward 3 songs without forwarding through the whole library without playing anything. Now worried for it man. damn. best Mp3 in the world ever. can't live without my music.

Just did a whole day of drug counting. not that different from the sorting out of notes during my a level days. haha. just that 'hey, where's differenciation?' is replaced by 'hey, where's diclofenac?'. lol. At least doing something that keeps my hands busy and mind numbed.

On a more interesting note. A lizard fell on my hand just now. and i didn't know it was a lizard until i threw it onto the floor.

nth much else.

till nxt time.

army dulls the brain.

Sunday 14 September 2008

Life: A Meaning.

Just watched Les Choristes on Arts central after missing two screenings of it during choir last time. brings back great old memories.

And was just further developing my thoughts today as i went around my daily business. And i have a hypothesis. or just an idea. about well, the meaning of life. I thought that perhaps life didn't have a meaning, if i did exist as the personification i wrote yesterday? Perhaps she's too looking for her own meaning? and to look for meaning in her is to perhaps the same as looking through the mirror, trying to find meaning in the reflections, which now it seems, sometimes possible i guess. But yeah. what if your Life is trying to search for a meaning for itself just as you go around searching a meaning for it.

Another thought. You don't 'lead a life' for you can't. Sometimes, yes, you can, but at others, it seems that the life is leading you. And some say that's just cos you are a loser, but look at all the evidences, does it not suggest that Life ain't to be 'led' like a dog?... For more info, look at the previous post.

Feeling philosophical this wkend. somewhat. perhaps its the full moon. perhaps its loneliness. or perhaps its both. kinda like this feeling actually. makes me feel useful and alive, and perhaps in a way, special. though i'm sure that a thousand others around the world are feeling the same way, and perhaps everyone does, one time or another, or more often than that. For I had the wierdest thought today on the bus, and its not the first time i thought of it, or more accurately someone enlightened me to it. For all around me, today, everyday, are individuals, with feelings, lives, dreams, thoughts, ideas perhaps none less philosophical or whimsical than mine, and somehow to others like me, they don't look it. They look 'normal'? If that's the word. And Its wondorous if you see the magnitude of it. Thoughts, dreams flying everywhere. If i could harness those dreams, man, I'll be the richest man on earth. And yeah. as a man, just find that my vision is narrow in this sense. I mean, i don't even know a micron of what everyone is thinking. And we are on the same bus. next to each other. chew on that.

On less philosophical stuff. today's been pretty fine. cept for the morning part where i took the wrong bus and thus had so much more time to think of the above.

till nxt time.

Saturday 13 September 2008

Life: A personification.

Watched 3:10 to Yuma at ran's place last night and that show i say is pretty solid. Kinda like this kind of movies with a certain amount of 'epic'-ness in them. perhaps its that want for me to prove myself to the world or to others which attracts me to these shows.

Its all because I'm dancing with Life. who had been one hell of a mesmerizing partner all the way till now and with the looks of it, promising to be more so as days go by. And when you're dancing with such a partner, there's an underlying need to perhaps, outdance and outshine her, or may I say a want. It may have as well been that Life was duelling with me. Dealing me blow after blow and using all sorts of coercion, threat and enticement to try tempt or plummel me to submit to it. But i prefer to see it as a dance where we are partners, but fighting for a single prize. And thus try to outdance and outshine each other. But after all, we are partners and when i'm at my worst, there's always dear old Life to talk to, and yeah. she'll understand.

People always personify Death in media, books or their minds. But as from my blog, I've recently came to the conclusion that Life, too, should be personified. For she's not destiny, who people may confuse her with. Nor any of the endless personified in the picture above. She's more of a secret partner, the 'invisible friend' of the child, the telephone lover of the love forsaken, the imaginary foe of those training in combat. She's the friend, the mentor and the foe. And she's a she. At least to me. She's like the beatles song 'She's the kinda girl you want so much it made you sorry' kinda girl. Someone who could trip you, trap you and destroy you again and again but yet you will never blame her. Ok, maybe for a moment you will, but it's never for long. For you know, as she breaks and deconstructs, so does she nurture and lend the hand you need. And sometimes you want to run away from her, when you're life's a mess, but Life will never allow that, she's like the moon that never has a new moon, the dog that never wants to leave your side. And you want to impress her, by trying to get on top of her. but you never will. for when you almost do, or when you feel that you almost do, Life will spring another suprise on you and suddenly you find yourself below again. Some never learn, and keep trying to get 'on top of their Life'. But as i said, Life won't allow it. Life is supposed to be treated as a partner, hands held, walking through the gardens of destiny and the graveyards of dream. And to take whatever she brings you, whatever suprises she may spring, whatever quarrels you may have together and to walk through them. And i guess, at the end of our journey through the garden of destiny, and when you see Death standing ahead of you, there's when you bid goodbye to Life, a lifelong friend and foe, forever, with great memories of the journeys done, regretless. And for the first time, you unlock hands, and Death leads us away into well. the dark.

Well.

Till next time.

Wednesday 10 September 2008

Again

and to hell with Life. not literally of course. I rather still want him. But once again when I put him in a challenge, Life suprises me again by giving me a great night after the incident with great conversation with awesome people

Just some quotes.
why the interest in this field?
I say:
cos of experiences?
I say:
like one of them is my neighbour
I say:
he has this stress disorder which made him yelp whenever he is agitated or stressed
I say:
and i think kids now are unlucky. they're simply born in the wrong time. and in Singapore's case, the wrong place
I say:
and though i couldn't change that. i can change how they see it and perhaps make it better for them
I say:
i see children having to study so hard and having so much tution for streaming that they do not even have the chance to go to the playground
I say:
in fact. the tution kid i am teaching now hadn't been there since primary 2
I say:
I want to make a change.
I say:
one deep in the potential of those with the most potential
I say:

I believe that if a disease such as cancer or heart attack will claim you. It will. So we can fight. in fact we must. but i'll leave that to the others
I say:
I want to make a change when they are still far from such diseases. one that will make their life worthwhile. not do something that will just lengthen a person's years for what 5-10 years more on the wheelchair?

And so my game with Life continues. haha. Its a jolly good ride.

Tuesday 9 September 2008

Routine**

Its yet another week of the routine.

Passed my ICCT (intermediete close combat training) on monday along with getting a few knocks and blueblack knees. outfield postponed till tomorrow. sian

friday duty.
sian.

can't wait till saturday again.

[update 1930pm] Just when i thought 'well, at least its settling back into a routine' and that Life* couldn't get worst than it is. Life stretches his feet out of the corner to trip me yet again. Guess Life doesn't like to be challenged. Well. The genius of me managed to drop my keys into an abyss of fathomless depth. And best of all. some of those keys are the only ones in camp. crap.

Sometimes i really do not know whether i would like a Life that's a routine or one of great fluctuations. But yeah. gonna push Life to its limits man. we'll see who wins this fight.

*Life currently feels like a total individual entity of its own which doesn't seem to take my opinions into consideration.

** The title becomes ironic after the update. thus the need for the double asterisk

Saturday 6 September 2008

Give me a break

have been quite an interesting day. swimming in the morning. Wall-e and Jack's place in the afternoon and then Munich at night. Munich by the way is really one hell of a show. and Wall-e isn't bad either. so having watched aplenty bad films, today was quite a good day.

'My fingernails keep growing, do i stop trimming them'

Damn i need to control my temper. And i need a personal workspace. Just had a small arguement with my parents cos i wasn't happy with them trying to talk to me while i was doing stuff. I mean this happens far too often. Weekly scenario. I come back from camp with a whole week load of stuff i need to do. Things that requires the com. Things that require me to sit down and think without any interruptions. Things that require me to shut off everything else. I know I haven't been around for a week and I know we need to have time sometime. And mayb It's me ignoring what's closest and dearest to me for they are so close. But yeah. feeling suffocated man. I need space. more space than many and maybe that's cos i dunno bout them. But yeah. I really need a breather away from everything. But this again posts a dillemma. For space and quietness broods emo and that's something i'm trying to get away from right now. And so i keep myself busy. And so to my parents, If you guys truly care, and I know you do, especially mum, about what have happened 2 months ago, please, let it be, ask no more questions about it, and leave me be. I thank you for your efforts and kindness, and I'm sorry, but just give me some space won't ya? Can't take any of this any much more.

Got on board a westbound seven-forty-seven
Didn't think before deciding what to do
All that talk of opportunities
TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Out of work, I'm out of my head
Out of self-respect, I'm out of bread
I'm underloved, I'm underfed
I wanna go home

It never rains in California
But, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it
Had offers but don't know which one to take
Please, don't tell them how you found me
Don't tell them how you found me
Gimme a break, gimme a break

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California
But, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

'Gimme a break, Gimme a break'

Thursday 4 September 2008

good day.

Just finished playing football and once again retired in front of the computer in my '2nd home', as others in the medical center call it.

It has been a day that is perhaps slightly better than usual. maybe cos of the football. woke up feeling kinda down cos of CCT or close combat training. or swinging-bolsters-at-each-other-wildly sessions but it was the first time in months(?) in which i did so much physical activity in a day. haha. and true to my curse, i injured myself playing football again. though it was just minor scraping on the skin. hurts though. But performed reasonably well i guess.

went back to the ordinarypeoplechangetheworld website again cos i guess its kinda inspirational and read its stories under 'Good Deeds'. kinda inspiring.

was just talking to friends about my retirement plan again or more exactly why i want to go overseas one day. well. to tell the truth. life here's too good for me. Good in the way that we are monitored everywhere and no one could commit a crime. but it also means that all of us are monitored by the tons of cameras around. 'Big brother' anyone? Good in the sense that pramatism rules in singapore and that practical solutions are found for all problems, but so pragmatic is the system and the people that a toe out of line or a want to be out of the box may sometimes be unwelcomed. Good in the sense that we have 24 hours excitement and activities, and lights that illuminate every part of the city. But it also means that there isn't a time where everyone rests together and that natural lights of the skies are outshone every moment. Good in the way that the country teaches the people to fish, instead of giving them a fish. But sometimes, men just need that one fish to get back on their feet again.

So don't get me wrong, Singapore is a good place with great people all around. and i'm goddamn hapy to be here since i ever been. And perhaps its the 'grass on the other side is always greener' syndrome, but i guess its something like chocolates perhaps? can't find something to compare it with. but its one of those things that you didn't want at first but once you tasted it you want it more kinda things? Guess my short stint overseas have did me more impact than i thought it had. Singapore i guess, is, and always will be my home, just like malaysia have been for my parents and China to my gramps, But like them and a million other species not restricted to humans, i guess its about moving to somewhere more suitable to grow, develop and perhaps pass the baton to the next generation. Ok. that's thinking too far. But yeah, if i was to develop on that. I would want to raise my offsprings in the sunrise unhindered by buildings or cargo ships or floating kelongs, and would like to retire in sunsets of the same settings. I want to raise them at schools which care about what they like, instead of what will be 'good' for them, and i would like to retire where the government cares and provides for the old like me, heathcare, accesibility, kindness. I would want to raise them to understand the ideals of freedom and individuality, and i would want to retire in the ideals of those.

that is one long post by recent standards.

haha.

and thus here i should stop. its been kinda nice typing. here and there. haha.

one last thing. QOTD '*looks in the skies in dissapointment... and after awhile lowers it back cos my neck hurts*'

haha.

Wednesday 3 September 2008

ordinarypeoplechangetheworld



Well. was just reading Neil Gaiman's again and was linked to this video above which i urge everyone to see. I joined the organisation.

haha.

Well. I guess since i am involved with the planning of this thing i should somewhat promote it here.
Yeah. my temple, or religious organisation, is organising a camp for secondary school students during the end of yr break. So i am part of the organising committee and i say its gonna be one hell of a camp. Details to follow as they come.

ARGH. premier pro just hang on me!

:)

Tuesday 2 September 2008

ship in a storm

hell man. talk about a series of unfortunate events. things have been unfortunate well. since that unfortunate incident and perhaps even some time before. but yeah. one bad thing have been happening after another and sometimes i just feel like the captain of a ship in a storm. have to just hang on man.

at least i most likely get to go back home for at least a while tomorrow.

have CCT on saturday. damn.

I need some free time out of camp.

Dunno why.
But i seem to be reduced to single sentences to summarise whole days.
dun really have anything to say i guess.
Can't really think when all your effort is going into keeping your ship upright.

till next time