Monday 30 November 2009

But I'm not a miracle and you're not a saint
just another soldier on a road to nowhere


10 more days on that road.

Sunday 29 November 2009

Emma.

I've just seen a face,
I can't forget the time or place
That we'd just met, she's just the girl for me
And I want all the world to see we've met


And her name is Emma.

Friday 27 November 2009

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong


No prizes for guessing what am i waiting for.

Thursday 26 November 2009

Freedom came my way one day
And I started out of town, yeah!
All of a sudden I saw sheriff John Brown
Aiming to shoot me down,
So I shot - I shot - I shot him down and I say:
If I am guilty I will pay. ORD LOH!

I shot the sheriff- Bob Marley.

Its the same concept really.

Wednesday 25 November 2009

Mama, put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore.
That long black cloud is comin' down
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Maybe not heaven. But nonetheless close.

Saturday 21 November 2009

Last duty.

Please let this really be my last ever duty.

Sitting around the medical center typing this for what may be the last time does not change in any way the fact that just sitting around here the whole day is unproductive and boring.

Have been sitting here trying to arrange my thoughts and beliefs after a few bouts of arguements over prawning. And quite honestly, you all are right. I kill for food, not unlike any other, perhaps indirectly but yes. I eat meat and wear leather and some of my treatment for asthma required parts from crocs, lizards and a hundred exotic animals. I too am subscribing at least to some part to the 'capitalist, confirmist ideas' i try so hard to argue against. Its not so much instilled into us as deeply engraved from birth. How can i argue against money when money was the 'solution' to the problems, a common entity used for anything and everything. Why deal in apples and cows when little green pieces of paper could help. So what if some of it go to some people who are 'financially smarter', So what if some of these pieces of paper are never seen by us? After all the work governments put in to make this system work surely they deserve something? And i would say Yes. They do. But ask me, if given a knife, will i kill an animal? Would i prefer to pay for something instead of trading for something like maybe "I'll cut you 10 pieces of that firewood for that meat"? No. will definitely be my answer.

And so will i prawn, for the fun involved in pulling the rod, for the freshness that comes with seeing a prawn squirm with pain in the deadly sprinkling of salt? My answer is No. Anytime. Everytime. If i eat it, will it taste any worse for me than if i bought it from NTUC? No. In fact i think it would taste much better. I know for that matter that it would taste better. But for it to leave a mark on my conscience? I would rather not. Why? You ask, that eating that will leave a mark on my conscience but not say eating a piece of fried colonel's. The answer is simple. I am human. And as i said in a few posts before, I am well equiped to filter out what i think i should not think. I can cut off the massacre at the slaughterhouse when i eat my steak, or the live skinning of the hides to make my adornments, but i am not prepared to see say a quail die in my very hands. I simply do not think my mind is capable of ignoring it when i'm the one with blood on my hands. And being human also means i am able to better hide the facts from myself using statistics. 20 men were killed in an earthquake in the news will have less of an impact than say, being at a crying wake of a single relative. 1 in 6 suffers from cancer is not as painful as me getting a bad bout of cough. The same way i am capable of grouping the animals i eat but do not see under a broad category of 'animals killed in a humane manner' while not being able to get sleep the night after killing a common rat. I am not proud of it. In fact, I am ashamed. For perhaps lacking that selflessness to feel the pain of others, human or animal. For perhaps being unable to put my ideas into ideas for my own selfish desires of greed, gluttony and perhaps most of the other five sins. For myself being unable to cast those 'stupid' thoughts away and just fucking kill that fucking rat. For being human. For not being humane.

But if i am still to be mocked at every instance for that. For that weakness i am sure few if not none are able to say they do not have. For being 'difficult', in trying to preserve whatever few beliefs of humanity i have in myself. I rest my case.

And i know that perhaps the above few paragraphs may not make sense at all. For even sometimes after reading it through several times, i do not believe it to be a totally accurate potrayal of the ideas i have in mind. But yes. The best i could do.

Please let this be the last duty.

Thursday 19 November 2009

It may be chemical. Codeine mixed with eucalyptus and a little dequalinium chloride may cause this constricting, strangling feel.

And perhaps Dietary. An increase in watery meals, coupled with a huge hike in vegetable consumption and a huge decrease in meat intake, Not forgetting a 10-fold rise in water intake, may have caused this wierd feeling in my stomach.

Or it may be physiological. A lack of exercise added to an increase amount of computer radiation towards a hurting shoulder and infected chest may be the reason to this rising irritation within me.

And it might to be psychological. A sleepless night that came with old nightmares, and a lack of proper things to think about, unaided by the needless tasks perhaps given by myself, may have been the cause behind my numbing headache.

This sucks.

Monday 9 November 2009

Of Mice and Men

I killed a rat. No. Worse. I did mortal damage to it. Dealt it a slow painful death. I panicked seeing the rat and kicked a door which it was behind. And it was killed. And am i not supposed to feel bad? Some call the rat a pest. A vermin. Something that the world shall not miss. Something i should perhaps not feel bad about.

But i do. terribly. Like Atheist to Religious terribly. I have no idea why i turned to scriptures all of a sudden but yeah, it just felt like the right thing to do then. I can't even totally believe in heaven and co. but somehow i just felt from that moment until now that, heaven is definitely in existence. Nirvana is definitely in existence. Karma. Buddha. Jesus. Allah. Odin. Thor. Achilles. Hector. Loki. Lao Tze. Seeing the rat suffer was just too much for my mortal mind. Knowing that i caused it was even harder to bear.

Mankind does these things too much for us to feel anything. We are dulled not by the killing of animals but by the killing of man himself. The Wars on terror. Terrorism. Homicide. The Death Penalty. So much that the animals become insignificant. Why argue on whether the cow should be killed when we need to make a decision on whether to pull the troops from Iraq. Who cares about the killing of young foals and calves when swine flu is going around.

I mean. I am no vegan. I love steaks and have a fetish for leather. But somehow when i eat my lamb chops or don my leather jacket, those thoughts of death and brutality doesn't come to my mind. Its an intricate ability we were granted at creation. The ability to be unfeeling and indifferent to all those that are not directly in connection to us. The ability to use a piece of foie gras to outweigh to pain dealt to a lower lifeform, a 'souless' shell for some, less important to others. To place the owning of a leopard fur scarf as having more importance than the life of an endangered species. The ability to think of ourselves as 'creatures capable of higher thought and understanding', as a class of our own when the Linnaean classification place us under the same genus as the common chimp. And i'm guilty as charged. And there's no way about it. No excuses for the horrors mankind has done but selfishness and arrogance. And some would say we have earned it. Our society they will say, look at the skyscapers, the great wall, have we not earned the right to rule? Are we not superior? Yet Man did not survive atlantis, fishes did. Man did not survive Hiroshima, cockroaches did. Eruptions, Tsunamis, Earthquakes. Gods did not choose man to run the programme to find the ultimate question to life, the universe and everything, they picked the mice.*

And the best thing? Man is determined. A strong race destined to suceed. By tomorrow i would have forgotten all about the above. Save maybe a little tinge of guilt and sadness. But even that will disappear with a bite of colonel's best chicken or when i see a new pair of tigers. Or when a group of ants decide to feast on a sandwich left in my bag, or a cockroach deciding to take up residence in my room.

And so before i forget. Before all this goes away. Let me ask for forgiveness. And say a little prayer.

Sorry.

Till next time.

*even in this depressed state i couldn't resist a small reference to The hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.Pardon me.

Change

Change. seems to have an intense dislike of me. Either that or our schedules just do not complement each other. I mean, everytime changes happen, I am somehow not around,Half a day away, or half a planet away. And these changes are never nice. They come in when i'm not around, wreck havoc and threaten to turn my world around, then leaves, a little like a thief if you like.

But you know what. I can't care less bout these changes now. For i am waiting for the big one. The earthshaking change that will happen in slightly more than a month's time.

And maybe i would not be this excited when the day comes. Maybe i would be sad. But i can for one tell you that i am pleased that this will be over and done with soon. This is it.

3 days this week. looking forward to wednesday.

West ham trailing as i typing. A comeback? hopefully.

Wednesday 4 November 2009

Beatles In Five years time.

Oh well in five years time we could be walking round a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
And I’ll put my hands over your eyes, but you’ll peep through

And there’ll be sun sun sun
All over our bodies
And sun sun sun
All down our necks (?)
And sun sun sun
All over our faces
And sun sun sun

So what the heck

Cos I’ll be laughing at all your silly little jokes
And we’ll be laughing about how we used to smoke
All those stupid little cigarettes
And drink stupid wine
Cos it’s what we needed to have a good time

And it was fun fun fun
When we were drinking
It was fun fun fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun fun fun
When we were laughing
It was fun fun fun
Oh it was fun

Alright. Its been a day of boredom and just woke up from a short nap with a raging headache which feels like a hangover when i haven't even been drinking. Its like this is probably a literal brain storm. It seems as though my mind is replicating the weather outside right in the very compounds of my skull.

But it just felt like a day that i had to write something. anything. Perhaps just post some lyrics, which by the way is a pretty quirky yet cool song by Mr. Reuben James, Hector, Last son of Troy. In five years time i'll not be in singapore barring a very odd turn of events.

Met Neil Gaiman over the wkend while he was in Singapore. And needless to be told. He was cool. awesomely cool. Like totally unlike someone's who's approaching 50. But somehow when i meet someone like him, someone who i have immense respect or liking for, it just feels odd. Like Suddenly it doesn't feel that magical anymore. But nonetheless, it was awesome to be able to hear him talk and yeah, feel artsy or something for once. And yeah. Thanks for queuing for me twice.

Camp feels like an airport transit now.

And Beatles are awesome. They are like the pinnacle of Sex, Drugs and Rock&Roll. I mean, listen to I am a Walrus and Happiness is A Warm Gun, 2 awesome song that kept me company right now.

And before the dragon* trapped in my brain forces and escape. I shall go and reinforce the prison by sleeping.


*dragon here does not refer to me taking any form of narcotics except for perhaps a Flu Vaccine Jab taken 5 hours ago.

Till Next time.

Tuesday 3 November 2009

There's something different about booking in this time. Perhaps its because of the long absence or other unfathomable reasons, I am actually not having the blues.. haha.

this week is gonna be awesome.

38 now.

Monday 2 November 2009

apologies

Alright this must be how scrooge feels like the night after christmas eve.

Sometimes all it takes is a simple apology. For something you have done perhaps lifetimes ago but was too caught up in the times then to even stop and consider it. For things you were perhaps too young to notice and too stupid to understand and having an ego that covers the world does not aid in anyway at all.

And all you need to is believe.

"Only the gods are real."-Neil Gaiman.

Sunday 1 November 2009

ok this stinks. West ham drew a match they should have won (again) and i just lost my keys for the first time in about 6 years. bravo.