Dreams of the dreamer

2012-01-27T00:32:00.002+08:00

9pm. Kid looks up at the enormous machine he now knows as a plane. Funny, he thought people rode on the top of planes like he read in those books, not too different from say, a flying carpet.

9.30pm. Big sister on the plane performs a wonderful charade of things falling from the sky in bright yellow costumes with so many interesting gadgets. wants to touch and play with some of them, but am firmly locked in place by mum. Looks expectantly at mum to be released.

9.45pm. Lights dimmed. Sensation of being thrown backwards. Loud noises coming from unknown sources. Cries for faith.

9.50pm. Wonderful display of lights out of the window. small cars seems to be moving on small roads, whose's toys are these? stops crying. Wonders how is it that i am flying.

9.55pm. Wonders too much about how am i flying. Lost faith in magic for a moment. Plane jerks. Scared. Cries. Concludes planes flies on faith.

2012-01-16T00:37:00.002+08:00

and so it goes again. Another holiday comes and goes. This holiday have been weird. It started with a lot of drive and ambition, of dreams of things to accomplish. It then dies off, which by observation, seems to occur at increasingly common rates to me. And to be honest, i really have no idea why. I could blame medicine, and its immense workload, and with it the lack of time and energy to pursue any other train of thought, or my many other interests. It could be, the beginning of the death of my dreams. Or it could be, that morpheus died a couple of years back and i just wasn't able to remember the funeral, or that daniel is now in the dream throne and that all i am experiencing now is a different form of dreams. Of perhaps the uke, and the fantasy world of games. Or perhaps that's me just being too distracted.

Or maybe i lack a muse. nah. not an excuse. i blame having games on my computer. I think they're taking my soul away.

Someone help! haha.

2011-12-11T22:49:00.000+08:00

And this year. I wish to be water, my friend.

2011-12-10T22:02:00.002+08:00

And its once again 11/12, That fateful night of which 22 years ago, i was born to this world. It has been a good year, definitely. My 2 new ukes, finishing pre-clins, awesome food, awesome people, and then nepal. One might think it would be difficult to match that and next year will fail to live up to expectations. After all, this year was not without its disappointments, with some of them threatening to manifest into even greater disappointments by this time next year. But then again, i think its impossible to feel bad on your birthday. And then there's the lunar eclipse of course, which makes the occasion perhaps, even rarer.

Thank you everyone.

Nepal

2011-12-07T00:29:00.002+08:00

And there are two explainations for my lack of posts, both for the significant milestone of the ending of my pre-clinical years and my great trip to the land of Never Ending Peace And Love (NEPAL for short). One of them is simple, its down to pure, utter laziness and a good dose of procastination. Another is more grand, sounds better, but many would dismiss it as an excuse, but to me its somewhat true. I find myself liking to wait a few days, a week or two, and let the initial euphoria die off before thinking back about it and then writing a few words. It makes for good reflection, or so i hope.

So.

Nepal in one word, was amazing. You know it is a good day when you wake up in a freezing temperature to see the sun slowly illuminating first the more distant hills, then the nearer ones, then finally shining on the one you are on. Then eat a simple meal prepared by monks before heading out to treat the ill and needy, and finally rounding off the days being swarmed by local children as you sculpt and handout balloons. I don't mind being the pied piper of balloons, its kinda fun. There are hardly any traffic lights in nepal, and horns are used excessively on the roads, there are hardly any big cars, and i don't think anyone could navigate as well as they could in any part of the world. There are of course, also snow mountains, visible within a couple of hours trek for any local in any town perhaps. It is something too, to sit on the plane, and point and say, that's the highest point of our planet. Its something surreal, something explainably cool about it. I have not climbed it, but now i live to tell my descendants that I, saw the top of the world. And maybe, just perhaps one day, I would climb it.

I could go on and on, but that would just defeat the purpose of this post. But truth be told, i miss Kathmandu, i miss its busy streets and crowded neighbourhoods, its messy traffic and its colourful history. Of course, all this from the comfort of the Hyatt Regency.

There's a song somewhere in scraps of paper i wrote about Kathmandu. Hopefully i could find it.

Till then.

Namaste.

Beast

2011-10-30T22:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i want a average life. You know, be perhaps a blacksmith, or a luthier, graduate from my apprenticeship at age 21. Find a common girl, and marry and then lead a somewhat average life with few indulgences and fewer desires. And wonder if how life like that would be amazingly good and perhaps enjoyable.

And then its then that i know, deep inside, the Wong would never accept that. He would want the dragon-slaying adventures and the maiden you have to fight past a horde of orcs, the lady stuck in a tower by witches, or the one accursed with a million year sleep. And somewhere, there's another who's willing to live his life as a outcast and a beast, just to wait for the right belle. Another who's willing to be cursed to be a frog, to wait for the heart of gold that would break the curse.

And i guess its the hardest, when the frog, or the beast, see the maiden right in front of him. Surrounded by courtsmen from kingdoms vast and rich. And yet find himself helpless to the situation. And sometimes perhaps, like once again, she is just the person that would make you go look for the star, and then actually find the star. And then hopefully, Someone out there is thinking the same thing.

Its the 88th minute, and i probably have a couple of shots left before full time and having to wait for the next match. Which judging by my performance, i'd not be first team again.

Oh wells.

The beast lives tonight.

Reflections on long travels

2011-10-12T18:49:00.001+08:00

I admire gamemakers. A good gamemaker is a philosopher, a worldsmith, a crafter of dreams of sorts. Able to make sense of this nonsense and then convert it into a format that does.

And i was just thinking, in any good rpg theres the epic boss battles and cut scenes as well as good story lines. But then there will also be quests that make you think 'this is pointless'. But that doesnt make the game bad, in fact it sort of reflects real life. When sometimes u are summonned across the city just to pick up a couple of messages that could have been picked up on the phone.

Hungry, tired and sick but a more active than usual brain.

Till better times.

2011-10-08T13:13:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfxVNRwrrwo&feature=feedrec_grec_index

Of farewells

2011-10-05T13:29:00.003+08:00

I am not good at farewells. Not good at saying goodbyes. I've tried everything, from the old 'going-out-with-a-bang' to the 'slip-out-the-back-before-they-know-you-were-there'. The short and sweet fare thee wells, and the long dragged out slow dcresendo of friendships. Live long and Prospers and May the force be with you. Yet today, it seems that i am faced with another impending farewell yet again. I'm sorry, perhaps the farewell itself isn't the worse, its the period leading up to it.

Just recieved news of my posting next year to the Alfred, though that means that i've got my first choice and am able to stay with a couple of my best friends, it also means that i have to say goodbye to many of my other friends who sadly will be posted elsewhere. In the lecture an hour ago, while many were still estatic or heartbroken by their placements, i had suddenly the knowledge, that that could have well been one of our last lectures together. It's these moments where you suddenly look back at the two years that has almost past and look at the people who you've interacted with, and know that that's perhaps the last time you'd really interact with them, to really sit down in the same tutorial or even the same lecture hall to discuss stuff.

Its these moments where you suddenly think, where will everyone be next year. How would everyone be doing. And of course, where would she be.

Que Sera Sera my friend.

High, higher, higherer

2011-10-04T19:45:00.003+08:00

And with the VIAs truly and surely upon me, like a dark cloud or something over the horizon. My mind have been forced to abandon its seek for the fun, sun and love and turn to more scholarly aspects of my life. Just a nicer way i supposed of saying, I'm finally motivated enough to study. Even then, i find myself more motivated to be distracted than to actually focus on my studies.

I find myself thinking (Caution: Med geek talk to follow) what if i was a certain hormone (TSH) or a certain enzyme, will i like my job? Will i be content to be just a messenger, a second messenger at that, to forward instructions on to further down the chain. Will i be happy that i will always need a co-factor, or co-worker to help me, or would that make my job a hell more interesting. And then i tried to think from above, like if i was the guy on top, the literal brain of the organisation. How would i manage this whole system. I mean, positive feedbacks are easy to work with, i do something, they feel right about it, and i increase output further. But negative feedback? I'm not sure if i could handle that that well. I mean, how willing would i be to put in so much effort in creating something, only for that guy to give me negative feedback? Would I be cool with that? Or would i simply dismantle the whole system there and then.

And then my daydreams get further away, i start thinking of the even higher above, of did he think of such things when he was designing us, or did he purposely set things up this way. After all there must be a higher power, i mean nothing would grow up and say 'I want to be a second messenger!' right? And then i tell myself, I'm just thinking of rubbish. At when another part of my brain says, 'hey wait a moment, we might be onto something here, the secret of life! The answer to the question of what's the question to the ultimate answer of life, universe and everything!'. Which the original boring part of my brain retorts 'No way, that's just lame'. And another part of brain joins in and say 'Hey could it be that you are part of the divine, sent here to stop me from discovering the answer to life!' and it builds on just like that, more diverse and crazy views one after another, joining in the giant public debate in my mind. Its called synapsing i think, something like synergy. All until one part of me says 'Enough!' 'Time for a break'. At which everyone agrees that perhaps getting more glucose is more important than whatever issue is at hand. All except that one voice who thinks he's on the verge of discovering the answer, still thinking that everyone is just being confused and distracted by higher powers, who would dissolve into nothingness if the brain actually sat down to work together to figure them out.

In centuries past, this could actually be considered blasphemy and i could be burnt, then hung, then drowned or something like that.

And also, i think i've sorta decided to move to tumblr, just not sure when. And a big thank you to all who have been here past, present or perhaps future. But that, is content for another post another day. haha.

Till next time.

2011-10-03T16:46:00.001+08:00

Decision point.

I know i have only 3 readers maximum, so the choice is simple. to move to tumblr or not to move.

2011-09-29T22:06:00.000+08:00

2011-09-28T21:21:00.000+08:00

Just one chance. hopefully.

2011-09-25T21:13:00.002+08:00

A little gambit.

That didn't really work.

2-7 off suits.

2011-09-23T16:09:00.002+08:00

There are times in poker where you get a 2-7 off suit, yet you flop a pair of deuces and an ace on the table. Then you think, damn that's a great flop. And you think of doing all sorts of gambits and bets, and gambles to maximise your winnings.

But then you hold back those chips, you breathe in, and instead, you do the finger tap.

Check.

Action on you.

(And you hope no one is holding pocket aces)

2011-09-23T01:51:00.001+08:00

I kinda fear you find this place,
I fear you perhaps won't hang out with me anymore.

I kinda want you to find this place,

So you know perhaps what i want to say.

Intoxication of a different sort.

Inspirational

2011-09-19T21:40:00.000+08:00

Let me tell you something you already know.

The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows.

It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain't about how hard ya hit.

It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.

How much you can take and keep moving forward.

That's how winning is done!

Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth.

But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody!
Cowards do that and that ain't you!
You're better than that!

2011-09-17T22:20:00.001+08:00

And of course, the question now is,

Have i found another you.

Cowardice

2011-09-02T22:42:00.003+08:00

And the last we heard of him, was yet again nothing.

Let us move back a little in time, for hindsight, is perfect, and perhaps stories should be. So back at where we last left our hero. Betrayed by his sword, and cut by his own blade, our hero was back to where he first began, without a sword and without a name of his own. Troubled by his past and pessimistic of the future, the hero travelled across the great ocean, 'to find his name again', as the local bard will say. Others yet will say, he is running from this land too familiar to him, too many bad memories some would say.

But to this new land he went, alone, and unarmed. But people here did not welcome him as the barbarian, he was the barbarian no more in his polished steel, his earthly wisdom, and his new-found charisma. The only person the barbarian did not find comfortable with is perhaps himself. Underneath the greetings and politeness he knows that the barbarian still hides somewhere, between the cracks on the floor, and above the ceiling boards.

Into recluse our hero went. He had a few friends, with whom he would gather sometimes to feast and to dine. He had a few needs, provided for by the new rich land beyond his requirements without end. He had even fewer wants, still wounded by his brush in the past. He was healing, some would argue he has healed, but we all know an injured arm will never be as good as the uninjured one.

But then one day, our hero decides to take a walk in the forest around his home to just have a look around. What harm would it cause you may ask. And truth be told, no harm came about. In fact, something a little wondrous happened.

There in the forest, in a little clearing, lies a sword emitting an eerie glow, not unlike his original sword. And though the sword did not call for him like it did last time, It was a really beautiful sword. And in the barbarian rose a little feeling. 'How nice it would be to hold a sword again', he asked himself in his head. He crept closer to the sword. It shone brighter to him. He knows that perhaps this is the sword for him.

So, we all know what happens after this.

But no. Instead of picking up the sword. The barbarian walks away, in cowardice.

He is still no knight after all.

2011-08-19T22:10:00.001+08:00

Into the dark.

Thought trains

2011-08-10T00:17:00.004+08:00

I know it has been long once again. Flooded by waves of assignment and school work, sometimes i feel unmotivated to write anything at all. But then again, that may be my plain laziness.

Just got back from celebrating my adopted countries national day. Well, adopted for me, but perhaps not from their perspective, for there's still a label attached to me that says I'm permanently residing in the country, yet not completely part of it yet. I would not go in the politics of that, in fear of incurring the wrath of a nation. But yes, for me at least, i certainly feel that i'm part of the country. And perhaps, one day i will be.

Its wierd how thought trains go across the vast plains of (in)sanity, one moment you could be singing and shouting loudly, as part of the crowd, part of the weeking shouting tirades of the brave new world, The next moment drinking beer, as i drown into my proletariat sorrows, becoming one with the working population, unthinking, mind numbed by the chemical made by the fermentation of wheat by yeast. Yet a few moments later, it is here, in the region of whimsical thought, of perhaps, maybes and what ifs of the future. A sudden rethink of my future prospect, well, not a sudden rethink, more of a affirmation. An idealistic affirmation, but nonetheless something i hope to accomplish one day.

And therein lies all the conflict of oneself, and the trappings of life. The eternal struggle between ideals and pragmatism. The car or the donation to the Aids foundation, the house or the home, The body in the casket, or the transplantation of skin to burn victims. I am glad to be of a relatively rare, yet unneeded blood type, namely AB+, that i am spared from the dillemma of donations, which perhaps is the first of these conflicts of life. I am young, and by definition, idealistic. I ,while on the ride home, thought of donating all but a minimal amount of my salary to charity, of perhaps one day being able to then write a biography titled 'The richest man on earth' or 'The poorest doctor', of perhaps one day emulating my heroes of aiding the poor, and healing the sick. And then you might tell me, 'hey, isnt that the wrong kind of motivation?' To be honest, I don't have a clue. I know not whether i'm right or wrong. Hopefully more right than wrong.

slightly less than 3 and a half year to go. Lets see how i think 3 years down the road shall we?

Compassion.

2011-07-21T14:24:00.003+08:00

Its 4 hours till i head towards the airport, signalling the end of my holidays. And something makes me very aware of the seconds ticking past, too aware. Like palpitations in a cardiac patient. now its 3 hours and 40 minutes. time passes too fast. too too fast.

2011-07-18T00:07:00.002+08:00

Einstein could've written something on it, I do not know. But time seems to be kinda elastic. Especially this last few days, where time seems to be stretched to its maximum. appointments, assignments, visits. As always when my time is ending.

I really need to use my time more evenly.

2011-06-15T20:34:00.002+08:00

And without much of a hoorah, or much of a bang, the exams are over. (thank goodness for that). Its great. to suddenly feel relieved of the literally 100 kilos of books. ok maybe just 50. but yeah. I'm glad to be relieved of them.

And now for a well-deserved break. And perhaps a couple of beers.

CV

2011-06-02T21:27:00.002+08:00

Studying medicine, have perhaps one disadvantage. It shows us perhaps that deep down, however idealistic and cheery of us, there's one part of us, perhaps lying somewhere deep in our basal ganglia. That says, life is futile.

But studying medicine, also teaches us, that although that may be true, that pathway is normally inhibited. Perhaps by the dopaminergic pathway, or perhaps GABA-ergic. But whichever the case, I think i am writing nonsense. and should probably hit the books again.

Cardiovascular risk factors:
Smoking
Hypertension
Diabetis
Hyperlipidemia
Chronic Renal Failure
History of cardiac attacks
Past Family Hx
Male
Age.
Obesity and lack of exercise
raised homocysteine levels... and the list goes on.

Hello Greta.

2011-05-31T23:01:00.001+08:00

http://forzadiego.blogspot.com/2010/08/thanks.html

I know, i know. Its kinda narcissitic to link back to my old post. But yeah, part of my school required me to write a reflective piece on a 'critical incident of my medical school life'. What better, than to write on something i already written on. But then again, i don't think they'll take kindly to this kind of reflection.

But yeah, I kinda wonder how are those guys now. Touched my heart, they really did.

2011-05-30T13:49:00.002+08:00

And as i turn to my books in preparation for yet another exam. I find myself slightly less interested in the mechanisms of the nephron, but more interested in why its spelt 'absorb' but 'reabsorption' yet 'reabsorbed' and 'absorbing'

My kidneys will die if they know that i am troubled with that instead of their immensely confusing mechanisms.

2011-05-25T21:37:00.001+08:00

I want to be a doctor. Really.

2011-05-22T20:48:00.004+08:00

And we inch another step closer to the exams. And Now home beckons right beyond the horizon. And have i become a unknowing fool of my own doing. But that's a question for perhaps another day.

For now the books beckon.

[update 23/05/2011 1:45am] West ham is losing once more. and the world seems to be busy watching somewhere else. A feeling of loneliness. perhaps.

'They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, well its better than drinking alone"

and two years more.

2011-05-20T14:23:00.003+08:00

And with the exams fast approaching, i find myself hunting for motivation again. It have been a routine thing, for someone whose stress levels bear no real correlation to motivation which thus does not correlates to work done. You see, I am one who, as i would like to belief, needs to see the point of doing something before i embark on doing it. My track record of doing so many pointless exercises on the way may exclude that fact, but yeah. I need an aim.

And here's where many will say, "I thought you wanted to be a doctor, that whole thing about saving people?". Which is essentially true. but i find myself lacking the motivation as i pull myself through every exam, with the imminentity of a life stuck in the rat race beckoning right at the horizon. I still hold that dream, of one day supporting a happy family with a clinic i open, where i peg prices to perhaps the patients ability to pay. And maybe complete a little part of 'From each according to his ability, to each according to his need' And its a place i have little doubt i would reach one day. One day. Now that's where my lack of motivation lies. As the school, and general world continues to spin faster and faster, i find myself increasingly isolated as one who wants to slow down instead of speed up. Sure my studies are important, perhaps supposedly the most important thing that should be in my life right now. But am i wrong to perhaps want a little more space to breath, to perhaps contemplate the vastness of interstellar space, to make music, to indulge in food, and see the world. For what better time for us to do all these but now in the prime of our youth. Should we really speed through our every day, bury ourselves in books and notes, and fast track into working life. Perhaps its me, trying to justify my lack of work. But i find myself tired, playing this infinite game of catching up with life, or perhaps i know deep down, that I, want to take it slower, maybe read outside my chosen field, some fiction perhaps. Watch some TV, have some laughs.

I'm sure no one would disagree, that life exists beyond the medical field, beyond studies. But, then everyone would argue, that that life can wait. And besides what i have just written above, i could not find myself a logical reason i could disprove that. And Perhaps that's why. Its Illogical.

I find myself thinking of getting myself a good long break after this year. Take a year off, travel. See the world. Have fun. Get a job, perhaps teaching. perhaps working at the aquarium, or with conservation jobs. But knowing me. Its hard for me to get started on my multitude of dreams. But yeah. Its something i want to do. Perhaps a year off after i graduate, but the overwhelming response is that i should enter the workforce immedietely, something about learning things or smth there. So perhaps a couple of years more, maybe after i've done my internship. And then what, oh yes, i have housemanship to get into, so two more years for that, and then two more years for yet another thing, and then yet another. And then i find myself bogged down, work, perhaps family, perhaps both.

Which is perhaps what would most likely happen.

And so i go on. Wouldn't someone tell me what should i do.

Till then.

Day 12

2011-05-11T09:00:00.003+08:00

Song from a band i hate. No. Dislike. haha. Hate too strong a word.

Day 11

2011-05-08T20:40:00.001+08:00

After a suitable hiatus. Here is day 11. A song for my favourite band, which i will miss cos i'm going sydney 3 days after they perform there.

Day 10

2011-04-23T20:56:00.000+08:00

A song i can sleep to. Instead of embedding it, i sang it.

day 9

2011-04-21T22:42:00.001+08:00

Day 9 suppose to be a song i can dance to, but i really don't think anyone can dance to this. So lets just switch day 8 & 9 around eh? haha.

Day 8

2011-04-21T21:35:00.002+08:00

Hell yeah, I know all the words to this song. I more than know them. I feel them.

GO and catch a falling star,
Get with child a mandrake root,
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil's foot,
Teach me to hear mermaids singing,
Or to keep off envy's stinging,
And find
What wind
Serves to advance an honest mind.

If thou be'st born to strange sights,
Things invisible to see,
Ride ten thousand days and nights,
Till age snow white hairs on thee,
Thou, when thou return'st, wilt tell me,
All strange wonders that befell thee,
And swear,
No where
Lives a woman true and fair.

If thou find'st one, let me know,
Such a pilgrimage were sweet;
Yet do not, I would not go,
Though at next door we might meet,
Though she were true, when you met her,
And last, till you write your letter,
Yet she
Will be
False, ere I come, to two, or three.
- John Donne

Found in the first page of stardust. Damn, I'm Mr Brightside.

Day 7

2011-04-20T22:06:00.000+08:00

Day 7. of good times.

Day 6

2011-04-19T22:15:00.000+08:00

Day 6. Somewhere out there. there's home.

Day 5

2011-04-19T00:18:00.000+08:00

Day 5, Song that reminds me of someone.

The Wong Rule.

2011-04-18T15:53:00.001+08:00

To friends, be true.

And don't eat on my bed.

Day 4

2011-04-17T20:45:00.000+08:00

Song that makes me sad.

Day 3

2011-04-16T20:02:00.001+08:00

Day 3. song that makes me happy.

Day 2

2011-04-16T19:58:00.001+08:00

Least favourite song.

day 1

2011-04-14T12:19:00.000+08:00

Day 1. Favourite song.

2011-04-10T22:49:00.001+08:00

And my paper is in a little over 8 hours time.True its just 5%. but i somehow wish there's one person here to wish me good luck.

2011-04-07T22:31:00.003+08:00

You see, i've tried to picture the man, to always have an open hand, to see him as the giving tree..

Pre-exams stress is hitting me again. and as always, when such happens, i find myself doing the opposite of the only thing that could perhaps stop myself from having such stress.

Clothes maketh the man

2011-03-24T21:50:00.002+08:00

My shoes just arrived. Which sent me into this crazy, irrational (in a good way) sort of thought cycle. You know how Mark Twain once said that 'clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.' I kinda agree, maybe not in the way he meant. but certainly, what you wear definitely have alot to do with who you are.

Take me, (Warning: Beginning of what some, or most, may consider as nonsense) for example. I would like to think that my love, or lust, for leather is not only due to the fact that it looks nice, or that i think i feel comfortable in them. When i put on my leather jacket, i would like to think of myself as wearing a material that has stood the stand of time. The single unifying thing of man through the ages, from the caveman who discovered fire, to the roman legion, to the mongolian riders, to the cowboys of the wild west, to the pilots of the world wars, to the rockstars on stage. It is this material that has kept mankind from freezing out, kept the warrior from being pierced by an arrow, for the first sails to billow in the wind and spread mankind across the planet. And I would like to carry on that. The spirit of freedom, of independence, of unwavering strength through hardships, of being part of a greater cause, to being a rebel without a cause. To being a dragon slaying mythical knight, to being the humble hunter of the forests. That is the meaning of wearing leather.

And my denim Jeans, Evolved rather recently, celebrating the ingenuity of mankind, and our ability to adapt. From their ancient use as rough shipwear to the first pair of riveted levi's, it showcases man's ability to adapt and use what we have to better ourselves. For without such invention, we would have never come this far. But more than that, denim celebrates a way of life, of the freedom of the pursuit of happiness, of that spirit found in the gold miners of old. To me it means that i suscribe to that, to the fact that with hard work, freedom, belief and a little bit of luck, i could make something out of myself. Sure i can pull on a hoodie and wear some track pants, and suscribe to the culture of today. But i would like to think of myself of something more, sort of fighting my little war against the waves of pop. And unless someone rips it off me, i'd hold on to my leather and denim.

But even i know that it isn't always possible to hold on to such ideals, which is why underneath my jacket, normally lies a t-shirt. with perhaps one of the icons of today, or yesterday, The Beatles, Oscar the Grouch, or just a slogan. The T-shirt, the product of capitalism and commercialisation, like a flag across my chest. Forcing me to submit to this cruel, 'meritocratic' world. To the pragmatism of today, and making me forget about the ideals i once held. And even though i may hide it under layers of clothing. Of jackets, scarves and pullovers. But deep itside i know, that as much as i hold on to my ideals, there may come a time where i would have to admit that they are but ideals. But till then. I'm holding on to my clothes.

I'm wierd. But I like being wierd in my own way. Its kinda fun actually.

Till next time then.

Until you think you have the time.

2011-03-18T20:30:00.000+08:00

And then i go and spoil it all.

thank god its friday.

of elements

2011-03-15T09:01:00.002+08:00

The ancients had it right. Man are born of elements. Have been thinking bout it recently. For how better to explain how, with such minute differences in our DNA that we have such great differences in personality.

By here some of you may now say 'what the hell', why and what is he talking about.

For years now i have been trying to classify myself under an element. And its exceptionally hard to classify oneself, for me at least.

Am i of earth? Sturdy and hard. Yet headstrong and proud.
Or of wind? fleeting and above all, who sees from outside the box that governs us all.
Of fire? passionate and fiery. Friend and Foe.
Or like water? smooth and flexible. weak, yet strong.

As Bruce Lee puts it. 'Be water, my friend'. And its what i want to be. But one could not fight with one's nature, can one?

Till next time

How i wish i was next door once again

2011-03-14T21:32:00.001+08:00

And maybe get a second glance.

I kinda wanna be more than friends

2011-03-10T20:42:00.001+08:00

2011-03-09T19:22:00.002+08:00

It maybe the cardio I am learning right now.
And it may yet be the underlying 'things-i'd-vehemently-deny-to' issues of my heart.
Or yet a resurgence in form by west ham.
And yet be the line 'take a bite of my heart tonight' repeating in the background.

It seems common of me to start of a post like this and go on rambling and emoing about issues i have currently. But this is not one of those times. For once I am not as troubled as i usually am. I credit that to a full stomach and a little caffeine from my 'dragon well' tea.

It has been a good start to a second year here down under. I would not say that i miss home already. But neither would i say that i do not. For afterall, I'm a foreign man in a foreign land. But its been good. For reasons I must leave out for the same reasons, the details of my life in this land. But What is certain is that i am having a hell lot of fun.

My stance my change. perhaps in 5 minutes. Perhaps an hour. Perhaps a day. but yeah.

As of now. I think i'm staying for a winter.

500 miles.

2011-02-26T01:51:00.002+08:00

"If you missed the train I'm on,
you will know that I am gone,
You can hear the wihistle blowing,
A hundred miles."

Perhaps Its because its my 2nd time. Perhaps however many times it may be. You will never get used to it.

I'm sitting here once again, typing a little, listening to songs a little, thinking alot. feeling what i could in what is one of my many last nights here.

"And if you take my hand my son,
All will be well when the day is done."

I only hope so man.

"Lord I'm one, Lord I'm two,
Lord I'm three, Lord I'm four,
Lord I'm five hundred miles away from home"

Come tomorrow, i will be 37 hundred miles away from home.

The armada.

2011-02-24T22:08:00.003+08:00

And so the armada left. As Singapore's invasion of melbourne begins once again.

But I'm still here, stuck in a 48 hour limbo. Of which i have nothing much to do. yet too little time to do anything. Which leaves me here again, chilling in front of my computer. Just finished packing.

And if there's anything I've learnt from 'hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy'. It's that A large printed 'Don't Panic' achieves miraculous results. And To always know where your towel is. now that's real froody.

56 hours

2011-02-24T13:44:00.002+08:00

And thus it is time again for the mandatory farewell post, as i commence the 2nd year of the 5 years that according to experts, will shape my future. Its been 3 and a half months of fun and goodness, a little boredom at times, but yeah, its good. Had the food i missed, and those that i didn't. Learnt a couple new tricks on the instruments and got my self a few things that i wanted, and some that perhaps i didn't so much wanted but bought them anyway. But its not any of these that makes the holiday such a great time. It maybe be cliched, but yeah, its the people that makes every summer the summer of 69. Or at least close to one.

I mean we couldn't hang out everyday, not all of us. But everytime we do. I had fun. And its this friendship i guess that may one day lead me back to singapore after i've at least attempted the all time dream of 'seeing the world'.

And on that, Home is a stupid song. It ain't true. Home isn't trying to quantify a place in memories, its not about 'knowing every street and shore'. And the new version sucks.

Alright. 56 more hours to go.

Something

2011-02-15T00:55:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCcVg3b4ZRk

Really addicted to this.

Deuce

2011-02-12T02:26:00.003+08:00

And its twos again. two days till the departure of one of my best friends. My fellow Lonely Hearts' club member. And two weeks till my own departure, and the inpending onset of the second year of my medical studies. And 2 days till my FD matures where I'd be able to pay my school fees for my 2nd year which is 2 days overdue.

Spent my last couple of days thinking bout the past couple of months and what i have acheived in this holiday. I've had plenty of rest. Perhaps a little more that i should have. But it was a good rest. A great break from what have became a laborous march towards being a doctor. the longest that i would perhaps ever have. I perhaps spent too much time on my computer. Watching shows and playing games. Time that perhaps i should have spent playing music and making things. Things I have only started doing the past couple of weeks.

You know how people always say that if they'd go back to the past, they'd not change a damn thing even though they had shit times? This is one of those times that i could not say that.That is not to say that I've not had had a good holiday and that i didn't enjoy it to perhaps one of the bests that i could, but Given a second chance of such a holiday, I would perhaps find work and stuff and not laze around as much. I'd perhaps read more books and write more stuff, as i slowly feel my pen, or rather my keyboard, coming back to me, and my brain starting to function like i wished it would again. Perhaps it had something to do with an excess of time coupled with complete inactivity of the learning faculties, perhaps our brains are not made to work if we are to think, or think if we are to work, that's why those which could do both simultaneously are so well sought after eh?

Its great to be musing over things unimportant again. To think about the many chinese new year traditions and read about them, Its pretty cool. Since we're still in the supposed 15 days of celebration. And on that, I demand to have my 15 days of celebration back. Its supposed to be 15 days for a reason, there's a day for everything. including rocks and stuff. where on that day you're not supposed to use any earthenware.

And I finally have a new year resolution I want keep this year. 1 post a month of a suitable length, and a few shorter ones or song lyrics or youtube videos. But yeah, I guess i want to write things other than ethical conduct of a doctor. Or maybe I would perhaps one day write something about that someday over here.

Enough about resolutions. I like to keep them short and without much of an explanation. for they are somewhat depressing to me for reasons unknown. Perhaps its my innate psychological factors that prevents me form following a code or resolution, even if set by myself. Or perhaps developmental factors. Perhaps i would never know. But resolutions are depressing. they are. After the initial hooha about what i am gonna achieve and what i'm gonna do and stuff, you're left with actually doing it. Now that. I don't like. haha.

2 days to valentine's. Perhaps the most commercialised festival as some would say. Just got my lonely hearts' club name stolen and dragged on the floor by glee. What would the beatles say. Damn.

I would like to say I've nothing to do, nowhere to be, just a simple little kind of free. and that I'm perfectly lonely. But truth is, i guess i ain't. The moving into the eriksson's Intimacy Vs Isolation stage of development has taken its toll on me. Though i know that i've used this moving as an excuse more than once. But yeah. There's some truth in human lifespan development after all eh.

and 3 am now. I'm a little tired. and my mind a little whacked, fried from the radiation of my computer and the extremely glaring screen under the lights off conditions of my room brought upon by my oppresion. Its an oppression i won't ever go all 'egypt' on. Maybe a little fights here and there, but yeah, I'll cope with the bright screens and tired eyes.

And its 3AM. I shall stop spewing nonsense and go to bed. And attempt to dream, or perhaps not to, or perhaps just to get some rest. Tomorrow's gonna be good.

Till next time then.

Excelsior.

2011-01-31T15:43:00.000+08:00

Rain stops.

Don't stop me now.

2011-01-26T18:53:00.002+08:00

'That's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit, I'm travelling at the speed of light'

I once jumped down a 10 metre platform into a pool of water without so much as a moments hesitation. I once sang in front of a full concert hall, without a shiver or in my voice. I once danced, and made a complete fool out of myself in public, without even thinking about it. I took needles 16 gauge, twice a week once, on both arms at the same time, as my peers struggle with fears of needles and blood. I once sat in the back of the ambulance with a person bound for ER, without smelling any fear. I, not for a single time, backed down for a pontentially ruinous challenge in football. I spoke in front of a whole choir before, telling them tales of courage and ability, without flinching.

Yet nothing, would prepare me for pressing the top left button on my phone.

"Don't stop me now"

Grapefruit moon.

2011-01-20T23:53:00.000+08:00

550

2011-01-14T23:49:00.002+08:00

"How many years can some people exist,
Before they're allowed to be free"

And here we are, post 550. and 6 years on this blog. I was reading it on my itouch a couple days back, and damn, it seems that i've lost alot of things on the way to 550. Gone were the many musing moments i had while i was in army, perhaps an overdose of work, or maybe being overly free has something to do with that. But then again, perhaps its just laziness creeping in, or perhaps just a change in my mood or way of life.

Have slightly less that one and a half month left of my time in singapore this time, and boy did I had a good time. Chilling out with friends, the lonely hearts club, celebrating my 21st. doing crazy things that is making me part of a viral video amongst my friends now. I had fun. lots of it.

Maybe its got something do with turning 21, maybe is because some things have changed after spending a year abroad. Or maybe its not me at all. Despite all the fun, i find myself missing melbourne a little. and perhaps maybe more than a little. How do i put this. I need freedom. I need to be able to sleep at whatever time i want at night, perhaps to finish a movie, or maybe finish talking to a friend, without anyone telling me how late nights are going to affect my health. I need to be able to go out, without receiving calls and messages in harsh tones asking me to come home early and further messages telling me how bad late nights are again. I know I am young, and perhaps i do not truly know everything the wisdom of the world has to offer, and I even know I would perhaps regret some of the things I've done, or are doing now. But i dunno, i just feel that i need some space, to at least make these mistakes for now. I am 21, people make mistakes when they are 21. I am not proud of it, but I like my lifestyle now, not the one you try to put on me, my own one. I'm sorry I'm not great at sleeping early or spending time doing things that are 'productive' or being religious or stuff. I'm sorry for wanting to eat crab meat, and frog legs porridge, and not vegetarian fare. I'm sorry if i don't talk or communicate to you guys now, because all you ever talk about is buddhism, and if not, from a buddhist perspective, or health conciousness. I rather be awkward. I rather come home, and we just watch tv together without trying to make a deep serious conversation, maybe just a couple of 'how is your days' or 'eat some fruits' or 'funny show on tv eh'. I don't need someone to ask me if i know the ill effects of alcoholism. And on that, I have been seriously limiting my alcohol intake, or my gaming time. Not because i am affected by them, not because anyone but you feel that i am affected by them. Only because i do not want another fight.

And on that, I believe you guys are seeing me the wrong way, and its sad, but i don't think i can do anything to change that, and i won't. I really don't need this.

I really look forward to the day that you can treat me as a real human, and allow me to make my own choices and write my own story.

Till next time.

2011-01-13T00:08:00.001+08:00

Wong.
Doing silly things since 1989.

damn. why the hell did i do that?

Please remember me.

2011-01-11T00:56:00.002+08:00

And this be a great song. And I'm adding it to my funeral's playlist.

What? I hear many of you exclaim. But yeah, I always have this fascination with death, the cool parts of it anyway. The beauty of a rainy day and grey umbrellas in a background of grey and green, dotted and littered with white tombstones. Or the way it unites us all, for sometimes an afternoon, and sometimes for the remainder of our lives, which after that runs out, serves to unite those after us.

So please. Remember me?

Time left for love?

2011-01-07T00:35:00.001+08:00

I lost all my friends in an accident.
I couldn't believe what happened.
Are you coming home tonight, and is there time left for love?

The rumours said it was a serial killer
but they got hit by a caterpillar.
You know the engine was still on, I smashed a window,
I could go on. You know it was a very easy decision,
she knew exactly how to please him.
Is she coming home tonight, and is there time left for love?

For love?

You. Somebody should tell you to stop.
I feel it coming out of my eyeballs.
Is it just because you're jealous?
You. Somebody should tell you why
I'm crawling out of my skin.
Is it just because we're old friends?
Or is it because of love?

She took his hand in the emergency room,
the doctor said he'd be back soon
so I put her down on the floor. A quick look and we drank some more.
In a city where nothing really happens
it's so strange that all this happened to them.
Is he coming home tonight, and is there time left for love?

You. Somebody should tell you to stop.
I feel it coming out of my eyeballs.
Is it just because you're jealous?
You. Somebody should tell you why
I'm crawling out of my skin.
Is it just because we're old friends?
Or is it because of love?

I lost all my friends in an accident.
I couldn't believe what happened.
Is there time left for love, and are you coming home tonight?

2011-01-06T13:17:00.000+08:00

God damn west ham.

2011-01-03T22:07:00.002+08:00

And so 2010 ends. The year of the number. 10. I have probably reflected upon it before, but perhaps its the end of the year, or maybe a cumulation of recent events, not even so, of perhaps dreams, made up in my head, and screwin around with it, and then finally deciding to leave it alone.

Its wierd, how i put my ipod on and without fail, i click shuffle everytime, yet I'd fast forward songs, as thought i already have a set list in mind, and its not only the odd one or two songs that i skip, it sometimes goes from song no. 3 to song no. 42 without so much as a pause. And its always the same songs that i stop at, 'Time won't let me go', 'rainbow connection' and a host of others. Which in a way is even wierder when you consider the fact that those songs feature heavily in my blog especially in the start of the year. What has this got to do with this post? everything, and perhaps nothing. It's just one of the patterns I see as I go along.

And so yes. looking back in 2010. What have i accomplished. Its funny, cause all the while during the year, I seem to be doing so much, living life and studying, making friends, yet now, it all seems wierdly empty.

And the mood has slipped away from me again.

Till next time then.

2011-01-02T11:23:00.002+08:00

[shuffle]

I'm forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air.
They fly so high,
nearly reach the sky.
Then like my dreams they fade and die...

[ || ]

playing with songs.

2010-12-30T23:37:00.002+08:00

There's a light
A certain kind of light
That never shines on me..

[>>|]

...Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer’s out of reach...

[>>|]

I never had a 'Summer of 69'
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

[>>|]

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

[>>|]

Leaving isn't quite the same
You said to me, as runnin' away.

[|<<][|<<]

... and time, won't let me go...

Feeling christmasty.

2010-12-23T23:10:00.002+08:00

And once again, its christmas. And there are, for real, many things that i am really thankful for.

But nth more, than my family.

And my very best friends.

A clockwork orange.

2010-12-21T21:18:00.002+08:00

Its wierd. That my souvenir from china comes in the form of books written in a language called english. Well. Not all of it. Some of it is in nadsat.

So yup.

"What's it going to be then, eh?"

21

2010-12-13T00:34:00.002+08:00

So. another day.

Another long day spent with my closest friends, and now I'm back. Here. Writing down perhaps what i should have wrote yesterday but never took the time to.

You know how ideas seem to flit into your head, spin around it for a moment, perhaps make you ponder upon it for a few seconds, let you make a mental note about it, then totally vanish and disappear, together with the mental note and the knowledge of ever thinking about it? That's perhaps the reason why nothing came out when i sat down to type last night. and why little, if anything if coming through right now as well. But i shall persevere, or at least try to finish this post before i sleep tonight.

So let's begin, shall we?

Firstly. I'm now 21. And yeah. It took me just long enough to get here. And its been a good journey so far. Its kinda cool when you think about it, the amounts of choices made everyday, of options forfeited, chances taken that led all the way up to today. Perhaps in one of a million parallel universe I celebrated yesterday alone, and perhaps in another i'm missing one group of friend, or another group in another, or perhaps it would've been the other way around, celebrating at say a club, or at a poolside with millions turning up. But I don't know how those parallel equals of mine would feel, but i certainly do feel quite awesome right here.

Pardon my eccentricities, its the once in a year time where i get to spout rubbish without people stopping me. Not that that stops me from talking nonsense most of the time, but i do appreciate this freedom.

And so on we go.

I'm thankful for that great night. the night of the 10th. of the last month of the year of the 10th. The night where in a way, my whole life lined in front of me, almost my whole life anyway. I had friends from my primary, secondary then university all attending. I look into faces and i see memories peering back at me, stories sometimes so blurred out, that their details get confused with one another. But perhaps that's what our brains do, it blurs out the lines, unfocus the details, so that the memories turn awesome, even perhaps better than experiencing it.

And on a more personal note, turning 21 seems to still have caused or at least started changes in me that me myself am still unable to fathom. It seems such a landmark. But then again, my brain is pretty famed within my body for raising false alarms and thinking too much about things. But then again, my brain is probably the only thing that is thinking inside my body. God damn Anatomy, i can now never think with my feet or my heart again.

And it seems strange typing this, perhaps because i have ran out of ideas of things to write about, which i am quite sure is not the case. Its simply a case of me not being able to remember those things i thought about earlier in the day, or since yesterday.

But yeah, let me just end of this post with a few thank yous.

Firstly my parents, and grandparents, and ancestors beyond, for after 5000 or so years of chance, produced me. For that, i am more than grateful. To my sis as well, for being such a nice sister, for the day. haha.

A big thank you to all of you that turned up on friday, and thanks to everyone who wanted to come but couldn't make it. Thanks to those who wished me happy birthday in person, by phone, or over the internet, you have made saturday a really special day for me. And thank you, all of you, who have been a part or another of this 21 years of my life, thank you, you who i forgotten, you who i shared laughs with, you who are perhaps reading this right now, and you who perhaps never even knew this existed. Thank you, for being part of a great 21 year journey that brought me here to the starting point of adulthood, a gateway i've waited for so long now. And last but not least, I thank my brothers who stayed the night. And let there be no doubt, I'll follow you into the dark.

Till next time.

Morpheus awaits.

Save tonight

2010-12-10T12:54:00.003+08:00

And we'll fight the break of dawn?

Its tonight. and i hope it'll be a good night.

of old things.

2010-12-05T00:55:00.002+08:00

So its that time again.That time of year, where i get consumed with thoughts and reflections about the year past and the year's that's coming. Of struggles that I perhaps had, and those that would perhaps face soon. Its the time of the year that i try to think of a word or a phrase or a line from somewhere to in a way catalogue the year that has been. And yup. So here am I, lying semi-supine in my bed, trying to sort the random jumble of words in my brain into coherent sentences that perhaps i could understand.

So. here goes?

You know how they say that you wouldn't know how much you need/like/love something until you lost it. Well, in a way, this year is kinda summed up by that. I remember the initial doubt of facing melbourne. The fear and, alright, perhaps not so much of the fear, i remember looking forward to melbourne actually. It kinda felt like a new adventure. Which on hindsight, it is. And yeah, going there however, meant that i had to make sacrifices. I spent a year away from my family and friends. The simple pleasures of watching breakfast shows on TV in chinese, or not doing your own laundry was sorely missed. Things, i perhaps would not even think about if i had continued staying here. And food, oh how i missed the food. The simple things like beef noodles, or fried carrot cake. Oh how i missed them. But yep, it has been a great year and It would be unfair of me to dwell on the stuff that i missed while I'm there. For I had a great time there, learning about things i truly want to learn about, and learning to live independently, or as my parents constantly remind me, pseudo-independently. But I've learnt a great deal in the process, not things like how to cook or how to do my own laundry, or financial planning or things like that. I've learnt things I did not know about myself, and rediscovered some things. And perhaps, the new 'me' i found and believe in may be just a passing phrase and may be unrecognisable say 5 years from now. Its great to finally feel as though i know myself.

And now I'm back, I've realised just how much freedom I have had there and how much i sorely missed it. How i missed the late nights and the guiltless beers. The just sitting around in my room doing nothing kinda feeling. Being able to eat out whenever i want to, and at whatever time i want to. Oh How i missed that. I missed the slower pace of life of melbourne, I miss feeling not everything is about money, and that there are much more things than that. I miss holding my guitar in my hands and singing to myself, telling myself 'No woman, No cry' or 'Let it be'. I still do that here in singapore of course. But it just feels different facing four empty walls and sorta hoping someone out there could and would hear you.

It would be great, if i could combine just the good parts of both places and yeah, live it as one. But it would apparently seem that that is unattainable, at least not so in the near future, or for most parts of the foreseeable one. And so until perhaps that is a real option, it ain't bad having it in the ratio i have it now eh, 9 mths of freedom, 3 mths of fun.

I'm turning 21 in a week.

It seems just yesterday i was turning 18, 19, 20 and now today.

Was just reading past entries around my birthday, and it sure did bring a chuckle to my mouth as i look through the past. After all, it was the same guy who declared himself independent as a marquisdom, the same guy who insisted in writing an edict to his 'people' every birthday. What great times eh?

21? Bring on the key, bring on freedom, bring on adulthood.

I'm waiting on you with open arms. I really am. I've built my castle, and my armour, I've polished my sword, my shield and my gauntlets. Now bring on the dragons, and the princesses. I'm ready.

Of boredom

2010-11-26T00:35:00.002+08:00

And so here I am. lying in bed, tired, but sleepless..

I always wanted such a period, a time for nothingness and perhaps a little quiet. But it seems oddly overwhelming, the idea of not having anything to do, or any place to be.

I can't wait for my brothers to be done with their exams. And hopefully end my boredom with such.

'and if make the plans, can we just not find the time'

2010-11-24T23:33:00.002+08:00

Its been a long long time since I'm home. A long long time. And it feels really good to be back. True, things may not be always be smooth back here. True, that i feel sometimes caged, and sometimes frustrated.

Its good to be home.

The year.

2010-11-14T23:36:00.003+08:00

And it all cumulated to tonight. A journey that was not exactly smooth sailing but yet far from any sign of rough waters. And so it ends, 10 mths in foreign soil, doing something I want to do in a place I want to be.

First year of med school has been a great, if slightly steep learning curve. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something I am not traditionally good at. No more could i rely on the logic of maths or the law of physics. But its been great, learning about parts of my body. Muscles, I didn't know existed, Bones, I didn't know had a name.

But its what I've accomplished outside the curriculum that is perhaps worth celebrating. I've survived almost a whole year independently. I've made great friends, both in and outside the course. I've been places, had great adventures, tasted heavenly food, and hellish stuff too. I've climbed mountains and crossed seas. Braved the wind, the rain and the hailstorm of the weather that is melbourne. I stayed sober, but I got drunk. I had my fill, my fair share of losing.

Its been a great year. And I very much look forward to the next. and the one after. and then one after. and then those beyond.

I would have more to write. For its been a eventful year after all. But my brain is not functioning due to its withdrawal from caffeine, and also, its 3.15am now.

So. Till next time.

Invictus

2010-11-03T00:27:00.002+08:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-Invictus

Tomorrow. Will start the conclusion to what has been at least a interesting first year. And i do hope i can do well. I once really believed in hope. I hope that hope doesn't abandon me now.

I do not know if i have did enough.
I hope i had.
I do not know if i know enough.
I hope i do.
I do not know if i'm in the right mind.
I hope i am.

Till next time.

Inspired

2010-11-01T20:57:00.002+08:00

Alright. Its 4 minutes and and 2 and a half days to my exams. And i find myself here. slightly worried. A little stressed. And once again thinking why am i going through all this.

Its easy to see the practical reason. Get a job. Earn my pay. For that's what we need to continue to live eh? Stable job, stable pay. Pay off my parents. Bring up my children. Buy a car. and a plasma TV. and perhaps live well in a big house.

Its harder to see though, how am i trying to achieve my dreams. Its hard to see, how is being a doctor an alternative for someone who from young wanted to be a dragon slaying knight of an ancient chinese empire. Or a power ranger. Or a mutant. And I have to secretly admit. I have not given up on half of those dreams. Its easy to see the end. Where i want to be, standing amongst the savannah of africa, outside my medical tentage, watching the sun fall behind the great accacia trees, surrounded by a dozen people i just treated. Or in my clinic, closing up for the night, shelving up the files of the poor i just treated. Or taking off my blue ER PPT suit, smiling as i enjoy another 'one live saved' moment.

Many say its the journey that counts. Yet this journey is difficult and rough to say the least. And this time, i have much less to depend on. All along the way so far, the bicycle of childhood had the guide wheels firmly screwed on. For the first time, I am riding without the guide wheels. And for the first time, perhaps there's nth to catch me if i fall. And for the first time, i am out of my comfort zone of maths and physics. love them as i may. For the first time, my abilities to calculate my ways out of a situation is as good as knowing how to write english poems in ancient china.

There are many things i would like to tell myself 10 years from now. And perhaps 10 years from now, there will be many things i would like to tell myself too. But yes. I would know them. Wouldn't I?

In any case. That's something for another post sometime later.

Gimme a break

2010-10-29T23:12:00.003+08:00

Got on board a westbound seven-forty-seven
Didn't think before deciding what to do
All that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before

It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Out of work, I'm out of my head
Out of self-respect, I'm out of bread
I'm under loved, I'm underfed
I wanna go home

It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it
Had offers but don't know which one to take
Please, don't tell them how you found me
Don't tell them how you found me, gimme a break, gimme a break

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Dang. I need a break man. I need to catch the North Bound Boeing triple seven. To home. To the red red wine and the green green grass of home.

Utter bullcrap

2010-10-28T22:28:00.003+08:00

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/note.php?note_id=435703785332&id=838833331

This has recently came to circulate in facebook.
This is utter bullshit.

Its easy of course to say, Oh Education is a scam by the corporations to keep you under their hold. To keep you average. To make you a worker drone in the hive we call society. And coming from me, that's saying something. Sure, oh, Don't work, live free, do what you like. I happen to like to be a rockstar or a footballer. I also want to be a mutant and a superhero, a spy and a marine biologist. I have no idea why, but I have grown to hate writings like those. Things that try to sway opinions one way or another by saying things people want to hear. People want to hear things that tell them what they secretly think is true. They want you to tell them yes, life is short, you only live once, live it fun. Work is terrible. So is school.

Me? I am happy the way i am. I like studying, learning about stuff, as much as i dislike exams which are coming in a week. I want to be a great doctor and perhaps specialise in something i not sure of yet. I want to work, tiring as it will be, and it should be, and do things i may regret a little in the end. I want to feel tired, exhausted even. And then i plan, and i hope that i will live a good long life and then when i retire, i can get back to school to learn about philosophy or greek mythology or things like that.

Up yours.Adrian.

Till next time.

2010-10-15T22:46:00.001+08:00

Y estare contigo cuando treste estas

I believed in that line once. but perhaps no more. but somehow. that line triggers something in me.

bloody hail.

The gambler

2010-10-09T14:11:00.001+08:00

On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
so if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

When he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Great song by Kenny Rogers. great song.

2010-10-03T22:58:00.001+08:00

My friends. 41 days.
And then we chill out and do stupid things.

four mid-autumns.

2010-09-21T21:44:00.002+08:00

'And they were all there to meet me,
In the shade of the old oak tree.'

Its the mid-autumn festival again. The day that they say, the moon is at its roundest, most perfect form of the entire year. Yet too, they say, that the moon is always rounder back home. Yes. Its one of those days, and those posts about me missing home again.

I can assure you that these days do not happen every other day. In fact, I think it happens far less for me compared to the average international student. But i believe that there are dates, set by people long past, about times where we should feel a certain way. And somehow, there's this need of me to honour these dates and stuff. Some call me old, my mind that of an old man. But i guess, in a way, that's respecting culture and tradition.

On this day 15 yrs ago. I would be in Chong Pang, away from my extended family, but closest to my parents. They will push my sister on a tram, or was she walking by then? and one of them will hold on to one small hand of mine, while my other will be firmly grasped around a lantern, was it a dinosaur? green? blue? purple? The details get faded it seems. But we would walk, 4 of us, a core family unit, around our neighbourhood. Past that police post right at our doorstep, to the community centre and my school right across our block. around, back, and perhaps enjoy some mooncake and sleep.

Then 5 years later. I was in Malaysia, Subang. Where i would celebrate this day with my neighbours, the few of us who all go to the same school, whose parents know each other's parents. We would once again, parade with our lanterns. And its a little clearer this time. Its a dinosaur again. A purple one, the shape of one of those plant eating kind. And i remember now, the one when i was younger was a superhero, of unknown faction, probably just a knock-off by some chinese factory. But back to 10 yrs ago, me and my friends then, we would place candles in nicely positioned piles. And light them, trying to create a huge fire. And we would jump with joy when it crackled and burn and would add little pieces of grass and stick to it. And just when we get excited, our parents will without fail come, put down their tea and mooncakes, and put out the fire and tell us to stop. And we would, for secretly we know, that tomorrow in school, we would say we created the biggest fire yet.

And 5 years further on, when i was 15 going on 16, I had no more liking for such playthings. I was an adult in my eyes already. So as my sister begged to go walk with her lantern, i refused. And perhaps i hurt her then. For that, I'm sorry. For when we grow up, sometimes, we forget what is it like to be young. What, or how we might have thought. When we grow older it seems, we tend to forget the important things. Like how amazing cars are. Or why is the sky blue. Or that superman exists. And sometimes, we don't event acknowledge that we forgot them. Attributing them to, 'we grew up'. And in that way, we get chased out of narnia.

And just a year ago, this day was like any other. I was in camp. Doing the usual stuff. Not even knowing the day has came. Perhaps at the smoking corner i realised the moon was round that night. Perhaps i didn't.

And today came. I am having a celebration come the next night. And hopefully, I can see the moon.

2010-09-12T20:04:00.002+08:00

Sing I for a brave and a gallant ship,
A stiff and a rattling breeze,
A bully's crew and a captain true,
To carry her o'er the seas.

So blow yer winds high oh!
A roaming she would go.
For she's on her way to her own true love
Five thousand miles away.

Haiku for a cold night.

2010-09-10T23:13:00.003+08:00

I miss the cold nights.
Sipping Beer and Vodka
Talking Unrestrained.

2010-09-09T13:41:00.002+08:00

marklar. If a Marklar did marklar than a marklar, it takes real marklar for marklar to marklar marklar.

marklar.

2010-09-04T10:19:00.001+08:00

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Goodbye Snow.

2010-08-27T12:28:00.002+08:00

O snow, in thy soft grave
Sad flow'rs the winter brave;
O heart, so sooth and save,
as does the snow.
The snow must melt, must go,
Fast, fast as water flow.
Not thus, my soul, O sow
Thy gifts to fade like snow.
- Elgar

Today, snow melts. No. I'm not talking about the changing weather of melbourne, for it never does snow here. But instead, I'm here to pay tribute to a very close friend of mine. Someone who was with me through my darkest hours, during the most silent of nights. Someone who has never, not once, let me down. Someone who has for more than once, cheered me up when I'm down, Calmed me down when I'm feeling the nerves, Warmed me up when the cold bites me, and cooled me down when I'm feeling the heat. Someone who had never, rejected me from her warm embraces. Never had she said no, when i said 'damn i need someone'. A true soulmate. Someone who gives and never takes.

I remember our first meeting, that night i booked out, somewhen in the frozen month of january, where everything seem so bleak and barren, where i could hardly find hope in anything in that green that surrounds me. You came, as an angel descending upon humankind, with your angelic voice and angelic exuberance, you came to me. You fill my head with ideas, with inspiration, with hope and dreams of a better tomorrow. And true to your words, those dreams did came through in just a matter of weeks. And then you told me, hold on to whatever i was, to not lost myself in that seemingly perfect utopia at that time. And in the heat of my youth, I did not heed your advice. But still you stayed, a loyal voice on the sidelines, as i went through extreme bliss and then heartbreak. And still you were there, accompanying me through those dark nights, never once blaming me for not heeding your advice. And i was so thankful you were there.

And while all those was happening, there was many a time in those starry starry nights that you have been by my side, reminding me of the wonders of the world. That there were more things here than i know of. Remember, The nights in New Zealand under the stars? Then under the scorching sun in thailand? And under the lush canopy of Brunei? You were one constant throughout them, keeping me company when i needed that most. They way you put me to sleep with your soft caress. and then wake me up softly, but nonetheless firmly.

They say words, don't come easy to me. But I loved you snow. I still very much do. But as Elgar says, of which you have reminded me on multiple occasions, the snow must melt; must melt, must go. And that fateful night came, the night that you whispered to me, "find a new love, love. I'm here to bring you this far, and this is as far as i would go". And i cried, for never would i thought today will arrive. Not so soon anyway. But move on i shall, for that is what you want. But i shall never forget the lessons you thought me, the dreams you gave me, and the wonders of the world you shown me. And perhaps, just maybe one day, i will able to teach others these lessons.

For all those and more, I thank you once again my dearest friend. My closest confidante. And now, enjoy your silence.

-A tribute to snow.

Pandora's box

2010-08-25T21:28:00.002+08:00

The pandora's box.

That mystical box we are told never to open, perhaps to some cultures, the apple of eve. But yet, time and time again, as history tells us, it never ends up unopened, even in movies like jumanji or that space version of it which i can't seem to remember the name right now. And perhaps we will never learn.

Just a thought that has been coiling around my head for at least a couple of days now, with a series of late night and alcohol infusion preventing myself from writing it out. I sympathise with pandora, that curiosity must have been crazy for her, to have a jar she could not open, to be kept guessing on what did she have. And perhaps she had known only evil would come out of the box, but would she then, have kept away from opening it. Or perhaps, would she, like most of us, and perhaps me, still open it.

If there's one thing to be learnt from Pandora. Its that hope is at the bottom of the jar.

Circumstance

2010-08-23T21:45:00.002+08:00

Creatures of circumstance.

Somehow this term has been stuck in my head for a couple of days now. I am sure i heard of something like that somewhere before, maybe not the exact words, but perhaps conveying the same meaning.

Do not be mistaken, circumstance have not been terribly cruel to me, nor have i been exceptionally unfortunate. In fact, i am enjoying a period of relative luck compared to the lousy fortune i have been having a couple of weeks back. For starters, i have not been misplacing my money, which is more than just that actually.

But perhaps its the full moon once again, that set me thinking about perhaps how true that is. Nature versus nurture for some. Are we really who we are because of who we are, or are we who we are because its who we are supposed to be. To fit as a gear tooth in this clockwork of life, or a thread in this magnificent tapespry. Or do we weave our own stories as randomly and beautifully as the flight of a butterfly.

Life's tough, ain't it. For some reason, it really has. Have been telling myself to set things straight and focus on my aims. But its easier said than done man, especially when once again, the aim isn't mine, but what circumstance has for me. I would if not perhaps for circumstance, like to just chill out and relax. To look to the moon and marvel at its wonders, to enjoy the cold breeze and letting it tell me the answers of the wind. To perhaps be hippie and shit and just chill out everyday. Or perhaps just sip my beer and chill out. Enjoy the little things. Rule #32 if i am not wrong in zombieland.

And i guess that's for that.

And its back to the mime i guess. The invisible windows and walls. Trying to find an invisible knob on an invisible door, and trying to walk through that door. "There is it, fool", someone in the crowd exclaims. Of course i know there it is, but is it? Could i not grab it if it was? I am a mime, not a fool, seeing things in perhaps ways only we could.

I don't make sense.

2010-08-23T19:09:00.000+08:00

Tonight Im gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world turning inside out yeah!
And floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
Cause Im having a good time having a good time

Im a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
Im a racing car passing by like lady godiva
Im gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now Im having such a good time
Im having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now (cause Im havin a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes Im havin a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

Im a rocket ship on my way to mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite Im out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

Don't stop me don't stop me
Don't stop me hey hey hey!
Don't stop me don't stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don't stop me don't stop me
Have a good time good time
Don't stop me don't stop me ah

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now Im having such a good time
Im having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now (cause Im havin a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes Im havin a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

2010-08-23T13:53:00.003+08:00

Alright. perhaps part one is accomplished. to a certain extent at least. Its now for the second act. This is gonna be hard. but yeah. come the haircut. things are gonna change around here. they need to.

Its time.

2010-08-23T09:00:00.001+08:00

7 days to the paper. and i can't focus for more than one set of lecture notes.

I need a sign.

2010-08-20T11:05:00.003+08:00

There are people in your life, that you're supposed to know and befriend, to hang out and have fun. And there are some people you are not. And of the latter category, there are those that you do not, those whose vibes doesn't not match your flow, and there are those you want, but could not.

And these are the passing people that leaves an impression on you. The street musician that's rocking his way down swanston, the guy in the bar you overheard talking about something you agree with, that girl dancing with another guy.

And its that girl i can't move my brain away from for now.

Of thin lines

2010-08-19T19:55:00.005+08:00

You know how sometimes you know you are not supposed to do something you're not supposed to. No, I'm not talking about murder, of theft, or any criminal offences like those. I'm talking bout reaction. Like how sometimes you're supposed not to make a comeback, and take some jokes as it is. Or sometimes you should be ashamed of somethings, instead of further glorifying it and make a nuisance out of myself.

Its not my way recently. Somtimes, i feel that i'm too caught up with my need to be me, that i feel perhaps a little too crazy, too wierd, even obnoxious at times. It is after all, a fine line, a fine line between eccentric and lunacy, between indie and wierd, between unique and different. And in my moments of eccentricity, my hours of madness, and my crazy days, i beg you all for your forgiveness, for perhaps a sentence too much, or an action too wierd, or a tad too noisy.

Thanks for your understanding, sorry for the inconvenience caused. And may my madness boil over soon.

Till next time.

[3 mins after the post] And i miss home for some sudden reason. and me mum.

Formspring

2010-08-18T22:03:00.003+08:00

http://formspring.me/marquisDCarabas

Apparently this thing is pretty cool where you get to ask questions and i get to answer them. Created it as i continued my trend of creating something, probably not using it until more of my friends are on it, then start using it after quite some time. Like Facebook, or twitter, or even blogs for that matter.

So go on, shoot me a question. And no, No 'why is your stomach so big'.

till nxt time.

A year

2010-08-16T22:25:00.002+08:00

Its a year now. more or less so anyway. Since everything started snowballing. Offers, ORD, everything. Was just reading through my posts from a year ago as i looked for inspiration, for something, A story perhaps. A song.

I need a drink, my friends. A drink with you guys.

2 songs.

2010-08-12T18:47:00.001+08:00

Don't let the silence get you down
Though you've been sitting here for hours
Hoping a voice could soon be found that speaks much louder than this music

For you're a little off colour and out for the count
Don't let that get you down

Don't let the talking keep you up
If they're your friends they'll share your vision
And as the phone rings break the silence they don't figure out that you
Don't want to answer

For you're a little off colour and tired of the sound
Don't let it get you down

Don't let the people make you think that just because you're young you're useless
You know it's not naive to think that you can change the things around and that no man is an island

For I'd rather be a pebble in an ocean vast and drown alone
Than make no sound

-One more with feeling, GCWCF

Life is hard
And so am I
You'd better give me something
So I don't die
Novocaine for the soul
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Life is white
And I am black
Jesus and his lawyer
Are coming back
Oh my darling
Will you be here
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Guess who's living here with the great undead
This paint by numbers life is fucking with my head, once again
Life is good
And I feel great
Cuz mother says I was
A great mistake
Novocaine for the soul
You'd better give me something to fill the hole
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out

-Novocaine for the soul, Eels

2010-08-08T19:37:00.002+08:00

I need time to either speed up or rewind. That was my conclusion after a great long borning day that was preceeded by a dream that was kinda screwed in a way.

You know how sometimes in dreams you could control what happens next and where everything is but somehow that whacked mind of yours have to make all the worst decisions possible. Like putting a maze in the middle of a road, or summoning a giant troll while you're trying to run and catch the train, or yet sometimes by simply refusing to wake up. But the worst of all, the very worst, is if the dreams decides to choose all the right things, all how things are supposed to be and should've been or would be. I had the same kind of dream once before, but unlike this time, i was not able to choose at that time. This time i could, and i chose all the wrong choices.

And perhaps yet again, its a sign.

Hopefully.

Till next time.

Thanks.

2010-08-06T12:23:00.002+08:00

The beatles got it right, didn’t they. They said “I wanna hold your hand”. And there ain’t actually much else I wanna do.

I believe that we as human beings, are able to feel strong emotions across our physical limitations, beyond language and speech, across cultures, backgrounds and our varied histories. Feelings not of negativity, but of trust and belief, of holding another’s hand and knowing that she believes in your fully. Of knowing what trust she has behind that innocent smile. I admit, I do not understand what she was trying to say, nor what was she pointing at. She pointed at the house, was she asking me about my home? And she pointed at faces, was she asking me why do I look so different? And she pointed at my watch. Was she asking me how old am I, or how long will I be there for? Or could she be telling me to feel at home here, and that we are all the same, and that such things are timeless? I could never know. But what I do know is that moment when she grabbed my hand, I feel that immediate bond between us that transcended all our differences. That simple gesture of one’s hand in another, perhaps it's a physiological thing involving our nerve corpuscles and things like that, but yet perhaps it’s something soulful, something that shouts ‘We’re one’. There an unexplained bond there that I felt, something that made me wanna just hold on to her hand and just watch her point to me the wonders of her world. Of when she rode a horse, or when she worked in the garden and drew a painting, or when it was time to go home. Of the bright colours surrounding the room, or the different sounds that different objects make when she knock on them with her little hands, and of that smile, painted bright blue on a picture that made no sense to none other, shining forever in my memory. I do not have a picture, but hopefully your face would never fade from my memory. You’re wonderful, girl.

Thanks Greta. And yes. I Wanna hold your hand.

And that's not forgetting you too little Tiff. Thanks for showing me what painting is all about. The process and not the product. Until now, I still have no idea what are you trying to draw. Was that a rainbow that you couldn’t find enough colour to draw? Or was that the garden outside, with its brilliant hues of green painted on a background of brownish dirt? And those little shapes you made from that dough, are they sheep? Or are they snow? Or are they rocks you saw on the road? And then I turned, and I wonder, were those clouds? I’m still wondering, perhaps one day, you could tell me?

And I do not believe its your fault Tiff, for you and Alex shown me that its mine. With my so called knowledge and ‘normality’, things have became too solid for me, of lines and solid colours, that I could not recognize all the little things that made them what they are. Like it's the smiles that make us human, not proper shapes and faces or things like that. Like it's the ability to fly to make a rocket a rocket, not that it has wings or a giant exhaust and a pointed nose. Sometimes in our pursuit of greater heights, we forget the little things.

And Matt, could you please tell what what’s the story about? I see your fingers moving and your expression changing. It certainly looks interesting, I am genuinely interested in what are your fingers playing. Tell me won’t ya?

The four of you probably won’t get a chance to read or understand this. But let me say that I meant everything I wrote. And I wish you guys the best of luck in your futures. And may our futures cross paths again.

Just back from rural attachment. not actually back actually. sitting on the bus typing this making my way to southern cross. Foster has been a wonderful experience. Time past real fast there, i would definitely go back there if given the chance. Was at one point really affected by my visit to the specialist school, as i always am when i visit such places.

Till next time.

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