Last duty.

Please let this really be my last ever duty.

Sitting around the medical center typing this for what may be the last time does not change in any way the fact that just sitting around here the whole day is unproductive and boring.

Have been sitting here trying to arrange my thoughts and beliefs after a few bouts of arguements over prawning. And quite honestly, you all are right. I kill for food, not unlike any other, perhaps indirectly but yes. I eat meat and wear leather and some of my treatment for asthma required parts from crocs, lizards and a hundred exotic animals. I too am subscribing at least to some part to the 'capitalist, confirmist ideas' i try so hard to argue against. Its not so much instilled into us as deeply engraved from birth. How can i argue against money when money was the 'solution' to the problems, a common entity used for anything and everything. Why deal in apples and cows when little green pieces of paper could help. So what if some of it go to some people who are 'financially smarter', So what if some of these pieces of paper are never seen by us? After all the work governments put in to make this system work surely they deserve something? And i would say Yes. They do. But ask me, if given a knife, will i kill an animal? Would i prefer to pay for something instead of trading for something like maybe "I'll cut you 10 pieces of that firewood for that meat"? No. will definitely be my answer.

And so will i prawn, for the fun involved in pulling the rod, for the freshness that comes with seeing a prawn squirm with pain in the deadly sprinkling of salt? My answer is No. Anytime. Everytime. If i eat it, will it taste any worse for me than if i bought it from NTUC? No. In fact i think it would taste much better. I know for that matter that it would taste better. But for it to leave a mark on my conscience? I would rather not. Why? You ask, that eating that will leave a mark on my conscience but not say eating a piece of fried colonel's. The answer is simple. I am human. And as i said in a few posts before, I am well equiped to filter out what i think i should not think. I can cut off the massacre at the slaughterhouse when i eat my steak, or the live skinning of the hides to make my adornments, but i am not prepared to see say a quail die in my very hands. I simply do not think my mind is capable of ignoring it when i'm the one with blood on my hands. And being human also means i am able to better hide the facts from myself using statistics. 20 men were killed in an earthquake in the news will have less of an impact than say, being at a crying wake of a single relative. 1 in 6 suffers from cancer is not as painful as me getting a bad bout of cough. The same way i am capable of grouping the animals i eat but do not see under a broad category of 'animals killed in a humane manner' while not being able to get sleep the night after killing a common rat. I am not proud of it. In fact, I am ashamed. For perhaps lacking that selflessness to feel the pain of others, human or animal. For perhaps being unable to put my ideas into ideas for my own selfish desires of greed, gluttony and perhaps most of the other five sins. For myself being unable to cast those 'stupid' thoughts away and just fucking kill that fucking rat. For being human. For not being humane.

But if i am still to be mocked at every instance for that. For that weakness i am sure few if not none are able to say they do not have. For being 'difficult', in trying to preserve whatever few beliefs of humanity i have in myself. I rest my case.

And i know that perhaps the above few paragraphs may not make sense at all. For even sometimes after reading it through several times, i do not believe it to be a totally accurate potrayal of the ideas i have in mind. But yes. The best i could do.

Please let this be the last duty.