Turning the page.

'Its not about starting afresh,
Its about leaving this one behind'
Not a quote from somewhere, or some lyrics that describe exactly how i feel about the upcoming 'adventure', if i may. But something i told a friend, bout how this is for me right now. And with the momentum increasing exponentially and the clouds gathering, one can hardly help but feel that the storm is coming. Perhaps over myself only.

And maybe it will be. Maybe the clouds will gather over me and cry me a river, and as i move away from one home to another, perhaps it will follow me. Leaving the world i left behind in perfect harmony, and perhaps a rainbow with it. And maybe the skies will be dark ahead. But that is not my main concern.

Its time for farewells again. And i know myself. I am never good at that and perhaps never will be. Not to friends, or to enemies, or to people more than friends, to mere aquaintances and friends that has perhaps been forgotten. Not when i am conscious of it or otherwise, not when its my choice and not when it isn't. And perhaps when the dust has settled all normality will resume but as of now, again, the clouds are but gathering. still plenty of time till the dust settles.

And will i forget. perhaps after even just only 6 mths. The times i had here. Will the great parasite of forgetfullness implant itself in the cerebral complexes of my memory and slowly extract strands of silver memory from my mind. Or will they turn sepia, erasing the little details of it all, beautifying? blurring? polishing? dimming?

And if i do not forget. Will we change, positively. For change is imminent, and it will be foolish not to expect so and not to hope so. But will it be better, or will life as i know it be over. Will I, finally, perhaps, 'grow up', or will all of the others do so? Will my wolf pack move back to one or will it fill the world wide.

Uncertainties.
Something that i hate to be not in control of. I mean i like the probabilities of a game of poker or a spin of the wheel. Something i am in control of. Something where i can say "woah, That's it, i am not putting one more cent in". I am a man of conflicting ideals, which alot of people remind me i am, which i am not denying i am. A man conflicted in dreams and ideas, whose start of the sentence contradicts the end. But it is this exact thing that i both love and fear about myself. I love liking both freedom and communism. Both dictators and free men. I love not killing animals by my own hands even though i consume meat by the ton. I love going all in with a 2-7 off suit and folding with a A-K suited. sometimes anyway. And i like to be in control always. Though i enjoy the losing of such from time to time. Which leads me back to..

And i am indeed emo right now. And perhaps rightly so. And sometimes i like to be so. It does free my mind from clutters and make the words in my head coherent. And now that mood is vanishing faster than i ask for, there is hardly more i could add in my current mood. So yeah for now.

Its Till next time.