Part 1

So yes. I'm in singapore. Yet, there's something inexplicably wrong this time around, that I find myself anhedonic. It may be a expectation mismatch yet again, but yeah, Singapore just isn't as I imagined it to be as I pulled myself through the months overseas.

Since I was a kid, the has always been something that I craved for with all my life, wanted so badly that I'd give anything for it. The things I want change as I grow, but I can still remember every vivid detail of my desire. I remembered in kindergarten the only toy I wanted, was a sword, a plastic one, any shape, any size. I remembered being caned for bringing sticks home posed at swords. I remembered power rangers being out of bounds because it promoted violence, and I remembered wanting them so badly I started drawing them on paper, and that continued till today. A look at my notes will most likely reveal a sword or two perfected since young, crafted by the mind, wielded only in spirit. And ask me now which medieval job I most want to do, and it'll be blacksmith, no doubt about that. In fact, I almost put it into practice, weapons design and engineering came up many times during my course selection and career decision. An option, vehemently opposed by my father. In fact, I think he was more against it than me doing arts.

And i remembered when I primary school, the thing I craved above all others was a gameboy, and really, there was only one game that I really really wanted to play. Pokemon. For 3 years, after every exam, there will be a day where everyone brings their gameboys to school. To make battle, to trade, and to play. And there alone amongst the players, there would be one pair of very envious eyes. Happy to get perhaps 15 mins of play from a friend. My parents was not against Pokemon, but rather the fact that I will own a device solely for the purpose of gaming, which they are once again, strongly opposed to. I remembered, buying a few copies of pirated CDs telling me that there's Pokemon in them, and rushing home to run in on my computer. The early attempts were sad and painful, the games were either not present, or I could not save my progress. And given that I've only an hour or so on the computer, ive played the opening sequence in all possible possibilities so many times. It was only until secondary school that I manage to properly play Pokemon on my computer. I also remembered borrowing a gameboy from a friend once in primary 6, I hid it in my bag and then a secret compartment in my room (a hole caused by a design flaw)and taking it out to play at the playgrounds in my hour out in the sun everyday for the 3 days I borrowed it for. It only lasted 2. Day 2 I was busted and scolded and made to return it the next day. I reached vermillion city. I will one day in JC own a psp, one I fondly named Morpheus. And people have asked once, or twice why I sometimes name my gadgets, well. That's why. And I never owned a gameboy in my life.

And then upper secondary and JC came, 4 years I still regard the best of my life until now. Ok, maybe living overseas this couple of years have been pretty sweet too. But events that transpired after my JC days have led to today. Another long period where I crave many one from my parents, a good good meal. I don't mean they don't feed me well now. But I have not had crab for what must have been the best part of 5 years and have not ate with them in a non-vegetarian restaurant for such a long time. Religion, health, and cost comes up as the reasons put forth to me. And I don't like to say this, but religion, over this past few years, have taken a toll on me and my relationship with my parents. I yearn for a day, perhaps a Sunday, where as a family, we could go out perhaps for dim sum, instead of having committments to the temple or vegetarianism. Or maybe a dinner, once a year when I return, where we go to a seafood restaurant, and order dishes I want. I may sound selfish, I know that more that anyone else, which is why it took me 4, and almost 5 years, to type this out. But theres this desire, and it's eating me from the inside.

Part 1 of why I am not enjoying Singapore right now.