the hole in the wall.

It was a square. With lots of square in it. A grid made of metal, painted black. Something that i always stood at, with my hands hanging through two of the grids, when i am feeling ponderous and perhaps emo. A place that usually clears out my mind, providing solutions to looping questions.

It wasn't much of a view, a S bend winding through a narrow seperation of high-rise homes, which obstructs almost everything else. I could also see a bus stop though, and a multi-storied carpark. And just a little of a playground. And there wasn't much people, at least not in the dead nights where i looked out upon that empty street. And sometimes there are cars. Sometimes just that lone vehicle or two. And sometimes there's the moon, though not commonly so. And stars are even less incidental, perhaps just a couple on a good clear night.

But its not the view. Its not what i can see. Its the knowledge that its my view. Its a perspective that none shared. Not at detail anyway. Those nearby has close comparisons, but who could say that they see exactly the same things that i have? And its in that knowledge, and in that view that i seeked answers that was truly my own. Answers that came to me not from anyone else, perhaps not from heaven, yet quite surely not from hell. Perhaps it was, but that in itself, perhaps, is not for me to know. To others it probably ranks next better than staring into a blank wall. But yeah. to me, that was the greatest view in the world.

And here. 3776 miles away from home. I am missing that little opening of mine. And perhaps i am being a little like the frog in the well. But i dare say, that frog even when he's out of the well, will miss that small little piece of sky he was so familiar with for so long.

Feeling ponderous. But i am facing four white brick walls.

Its ironic. I used to be restricted in a room that represented freedom and i'm now in a room free to do whatever i want at whatever time i like that looks like a prison cell. Chew on that.

Wow. first proper post in so long.

till nxt time.

And I love you so,
The people ask me how,
How I've lived till now
I tell them I don't know

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been
But life began again
The day you took my hand

And yes I know how lonely life can be
Shadows follow me
The night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

And you love me too
Your thoughts are just for me
You set my spirit free
I'm happy that you do

The book of life is brief
Once the page is read
All but love is dead
This is my belief

Its time.

A month

And so. Not realising it as much as i would have liked to. A month has passed. And things have been going smoothly. Though i need to budget a little more carefully both financially and in time. But i'm having a great time and that's all that's needed right? A good time. Sure studies comes first, But i'm here for the experience. The taste of freedom.

But yeah. somethings you'll never be free from. Things like your ties back home. The lingering memories that in whatever you're doing, it could have been so much better had they been there.

Miss my home planet.

wkend gloom.

I was struggling. deciding whether to post this post or not. For the last post is but hours old and i kinda am proud of it. Of what i can come out in a short span of time with such limited resources. But its now thursday. and as i look ahead towards the wkend, a suddenly emptiness punched me right in my stomach.

For how many years. 8? 9 years? Friday night is movie night. Saturday is chillout day and football night. while sunday is sit-around-ban-mian-coffeeshop-deciding-what-to-do-next day. And we complaint about it all the time. About how we are always limited to watching movies, whether they are nice or not. Always hanging out at the same places, eating the same food, doing the same things. About how 'when you all want to wach 'Feng yun" i go with you, but when i want to play L4d2 you all all dun want to go', or 'anything lah, i anything also can' or 'I think i need to meet her after this for awhile but if you all doing anything later i should be able to join you all'. About watching the clone wars together, or playing winning eleven against each other.

It just ain't the same playing the guitar alone.
Or playing against the AI.

I miss the days of The bunny ate the penguin.

Of cells.

I hate cells, and whatever they contain, or whatever they make, and whichever part or body they're in, with whatever uses they have.

I'm hungry. Which makes my stomach growl, as the microvilli on the villi fail to get what they want. What spoilt brats are they. And those "rough" endoplasmic reticulum, seems not rough enough in their efforts to control to govern that uncalled for hunger now growing inside me, maybe a little speed in that production of those proteins will help? Sometimes having a long name doesn't mean everything. And Golgi, whoever he is, is a narcissistic guy who tries to name a important part of everyone's cells after himself. What a jerk. And why can't he choose a bigger part. Oh ya, that's right, they are all taken up by Mr. Hand and Mr. Feet. And don't go thinking you're so smooth, you smooth ER, it doesn't that just because you have a long and cool name and the fact that you make hormones and stuff that you're any more important than anything. 'Everyone belongs to everyone else', you can't do nothing without the central government chasing after you with his Military RNAs, Reservist RNAs and Temporary RNAs. The cell is a dictatorship remember, governed by a council of secretive DNAs grouping into secretive groups called Chromosomes, which are so twisted and turned in their organisation that you won't find where's the top and where's the bottom. Its a harsh new world. You see those Ribosomes everywhere, on those ER walls? Secret police is what they are. Constantly monitoring everything in the cell, and sending out proteins to tame any would be misfits. And do you think they are gonna miss you when you're gone? The ribosomes are just gonna replace you by asking the ER to make more of you.

The cell is a difficult place to live.

Rainbow connection

haha. just something to destress me a little. and a little something for my friends from khatib. haha. so. enjoy.

It begins now.

I am not really a believer of making new year resolutions right at the start of every year, 'cause we all know that no year starts on the 1st of January and none really ends on the stroke of midnight on 31st December. How could we know what we want to achieve when there isn't anything to be achieved? Which was why i left it till now to write my new year resolution. For finally there seems to be some direction, a general trend in the flow. A certain know what in this chaotic order.

Like finally i had my first real lectures in what has been a long long time (no. medic course doesn't count). And it was inspiring to say the least. To be among giants in education, I have not seen this day of which i was genuinely interested in what they had to say. Not in my wildest dreams, alright, maybe not wildest. that i felt that the day will come where my ideals are found to be shared not by one but by a thousand.

And so yeah. This year.

1. Stay healthy. and fit. and cool.
Its been a life long dream to be like the heroes i worship. Rocky. Green Lantern. all seem to have ripped bodies. but that is not my aim. My aim is just to be fitter than i ever was. My peak is coming, i can feel it. And i need to reach that peak.

2. Further hone my guitar skills.
After walking down the streets of melbourne and looking at the buskers and the street performances, i suddenly feel vastly inadequate and seriously need to improve further before making a name as a street artist. haha.

3. Find my footing.
There has been so many false dawns of being independent. They said JC was the start of independence. And then told me that the army makes you a independent man. But it is living alone now, facing four walls that echo my every word, that makes me feel truly free. Free from the restrictions set on me by others. And its in this freedom that i must find my footing. To answer my responsibilities and stand tall. This is the start.

I would have written many more things down. Like getting certain grades or hitting certain quotas. But no. They are not my resolutions. those are mere targets, roadside postboxes for me to smash on my way down my highway. But yeah. the goals have been set. Now. To infinity and beyond?


This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home