Tuesday 31 March 2009

Crack.

My blogskin does not suit my new monitor. But that is i guess the least of my concerns right now. After what could have been a century using a computer that automatically transports us back to the days where 'talkies' are a new thing, a computer who could lag on firefox alone and isn't able to function when its run together with Live messenger.

Took half a day off today after being unable to sleep the whole of last night due to a blocked nasal passage. A little hard to sleep when everytime you close your mouth, you get suffocated.

Have you ever been to a circus? Not one of those 'animal-friendly' ones which do not have animal animals with them, but those circuses of old. Those with elephants, monkeys, dogs and lions, showing a bitter reflection of the audience infront of them. I'm sure we all did. Somewhen during our childhood, we must have been to one and immersed in the cruel beauty of a circus, of frowning clowns and unsafe safety nets, but perhaps we've traded the memories for an enchanted flower or some other magic. But try, to recall the lion.

"And we present.. The King of all beasts.... THE L--LL-- LION!!", the ringmaster would say. And all of the audience will straighten up, and peer into the backstage abyss, hoping to be the first to catch a glimpse of the most majestic of beasts. Perhaps by then we have already known, or at least the adults should have, that the beast that came out was not a lion. Not really. For from the darkness comes a sad, dark, lumbering beast, chained, and with spotlights flashed on those nocturnal eyes. "CRACK" goes the whip, and the beast gives out a loud, yet unwilling roar, magnified by the microphone and speakers a hundred times, scaring even the beast itself. And the crowd gives its enthusiastic applause. "CRACK" goes the whip again, and the lion runs around the compound."CRACK" and it jumps onto its stool. "CRACK". standing on hind paws. "CRACK" jumps through the fire hoop. "Wooah.." goes the crowd, with unstopping applause. And you think, what makes that lion do all this, His claws and teeth are more than a match for the whip. Merely its huge weight and strength would have crushed the trainer into oblivion. Yet why do the great beast submit, without even a groan during the show. It is no performer, everyone can see that, yet it still follow every command, every trick in the show faithfully.

Yet I couldn't belittle or look down on its cowardly acts, for ain't I doing the same thing. "Beep" and you run. "Beep" and you jump. "Beep" and you do the obstacles at your fastest time. "Crack" "Beep""CRACK""Beep""Crack"....

Monday 30 March 2009

Was typing something last night until the point where the facility's internet connection broke down on me. Most of the post was autosaved, but the feeling is no longer there.

And i took far too long to type this that i forgot totally what i set out to write. So yeah. that'll wait till i remember the next time..

and just btw. slow dancing in a burning room is gotta be one of the best songs ever..

Sunday 29 March 2009

Sestina

Well. Its been quite a while, hasn't it? was kinda out of juices as i struggled through recent weeks, with the organisation making life increasingly difficult for me. but a short break to Malaysia was enough to at least brighten me up abit. so yeah. I'm here again.

They said it was not what you left behind,
but what you'll gain ahead.
But time past and still i'm here.
Waiting to be free.
They asked me to do training,
For them, not for me.

You can't escape, they told me,
No one gets left behind.
three times a week there is training,
As we've planned ahead.
And so i replied, "I'm not free"
They said you must be here.

So I was stuck neither there nor here,
In a place not for me.
They gave me food and say its free,
just had to clear my plates behind.
"Now you've eaten, look ahead,
Clear your I-PT or do your training."

Running, Jumping, Strength training,
Tried to run but they stopped me here
in my tracks, freedom just 2km ahead.
And i cried, "Why me?"
As they grabbed me from behind.
Dashing my hopes to be free.

Innocently they asked, "are you free?"
Hiding the intents of training.
Said i had work that's behind
time, and my superiors need me here.
And they told me its all for me,
So that I'll be ahead.

And the boss said go ahead,
As they took my right to be free.
And he said if not for me,
there'll be no need for training.
And thus i stood thinking here,
About the week behind.

The week behind looks similar to the one ahead,
And i can't possibly be free when i'm still stuck here.
And there will be more training next week for me.

Was reading about poetry and stuff and sorta came up with this sestina. haha. not a particularly good one.. but at least its a different way of putting it instead of my 'getting more and more frequent' rants.

On another note. Malaysia have been great. Grave-sweeping have left me inspired.. but that's a tale for another time.. haha.

Till then.

Sunday 22 March 2009

The boy who cried wolf

Once upon a time, there lived a shepherd boy. Who's job is but to sit on the rock on the pasture, looking over his sheep. The job was boring and the day was long, and the sheep looked more like white rocks than living animals. And the boy was a smart one, and not at all evil, and he was not content with a life of looking and chasing sheep, of naming clouds and counting flowers.

And as like humans, sheep have a tendency of drifting away when they are busy, and to them, the grass is probably always greener on the other side. And the shepherd's job, of course, is to guide those lost sheep back to the pasture.

And while other shepherds spend their whole afternoon chasing the lost sheeps. The shepherd boy devised a smart plan to not do the needless running, and he decided to put the plan through the test. And soon enough, one of his sheep strayed away. With gusto and drama, the boy shouted at the top of his voice.

"Wolf, Wolf!", he called. And all around him the other shepherds came rushing, brandishing knives, forks and staffs. And the fools ran towards him, herding his flock towards him in the process. The fools were understandably unhappy when they realised there wasn't a wolf, but they decided not to pursue the matter and left the boy be. For it was but a trivial thing. All but one. One who decided that the boy not running needlessly is somewhat a threat to his very survival.

The boy, feeling guilt, apologized, and rarely did that again. Though he did so a few times using different guises to great amusement of the other shepherds, who found him witty and smart, who broke the monotony of life as a shepherd. All but the one of course.

And the boy was made to run needlessly against his wishes.

For that one guy, unfortunately, was the village chief.

-A not too accurate, nor too precise, and anti-climatic version of the events of my life.


And I'll try not to bore you with my daily life now, for its been long since i last blogged. Just had ice-cream at Udders @ Novena, and its worth every cent of the trip there.

And that pretty sums up everything.. haha.

till nxt time

Sunday 15 March 2009

IT show

Well. not that I'm unappreciative. But how many letters and emails must the organisation send before they realise that no. I'm not colluding with them. And two years of my life is more than enough. I'm not going to give up 6 more years of my life, regardless on how many stitches they're going to put on my shoulders, or sternum in the future.

And Singapore is a bloody nerd colony. Just look at the number of people at the IT show! screaming numbers and figures that makes no sense to me. "Cheap 234.14 hard disk, last offer! you should have done your homework by now!" What homework?! reading forums all night long? I mean its one thing to hunt for bargains and not buy things at a more expensive price than you should, but scourging the internet for figures? and camping at the IT show for 4 priceless weekend days? I think that's stupid.

And can't they like split everything up? like have a camera fair one of these days, then a TV fair, and then a accessories fair and stuff. Or book the whole of Singapore EXPO or something. Why must they cramp everything into halls that are huge, but obviously not huge enough, and create an oxygen shortage? And singaporeans just can't throw brochures away properly. I mean the bins are the only empty spaces around. the floor is totally obscured by paper. and every possible corner is littered by even more brochures. People just can't 1. say no to brochures, 2. dispose of them properly.

And sadly, I'm one of those idiots that just had to go to the IT fair. losers.

But at least carrefour has got good breakfast food. haha.

one more week to one less week,
of nine more months or so to speak.

haha. till nxt time

Thursday 12 March 2009

The comedian

A year has gone and pass and its time once again to attempt for a place in the medicine faculty.
Why can't they just use some goblet of fire or something. Something that'll not say something as sarcastic as 'congratulations in getting into a course you do not want'.

The pain still remains and i have to say i'm not as confident this year round as last year. when the euphoria of 4As is still fresh. Now have to find some other reason to convince myself i belong inside.

And somehow my whole mind nowadays is thinking of rebellion and freedom even though there's still quite a way to go. 9 months, around there. Hard i try to control such thoughts and just tell my self to take each week by each week.. It just seems hard when your workspace is at a place where people have to pass through for their freedom. Its almost like i'm the gaoler but i myself am serving a sentence. Some sort of cruel joke that could and only would happen in the organisation. No wonder the comedian is uniformed.

And there we go about our process of resocialization. Institutionalizing all of us, and you wonder, how many of us actually really get institutionalised, and how are they ever going to survive out there? (esp ppl who spent around 3 times the time a normal person does in the organisation)

And in case you haven't notice, I've taken to great length to censor out a particular word. And since I'm at this, let me issue a disclaimer again, stating that all these that i typed are purely fictional, and any coincidences are purely, well, coincidental*.

Bloody Organisation. They are now even clamping down on facebook.

till next time.

And i really need to think twice before i speak. sorry.

Monday 9 March 2009

bored.

Well.. I may have used this line before more than once to start a blog post. But you know how sometimes you feel so free you want to be busy? Like hours of no production actually makes you wanna do something? Day 5 of 7 of my offs i accumulated from my short trip to NZ with at least one more of such long off periods to go. Not that i do not appreciate such offs.. But it is boring to spend them alone at home.

I can go on for a hundred-page-rant to show my displeasure of how time wasting army is but i'm not going to. I don't want to risk being prosecuted.

Watched the watchmen on friday. Its opening day (who watches the watchmen?). And it was awesomtastic. And of course it had to be ridiculed by OSF, who of course, doing what she does for all good shows i've watched, give it 2 stars upon 5.

Went dyb on sunday. and have to say i'm kinda amused by the children and they somewhat made my day. haha. shirtman 1 & 2, chicken little, dancing king, Roxy girl and etc. haha.

and we arrive on today.. isn't that wonderful?

haha. trying my hand at typing non-philosophical or chim stuff as many have pointed out.. but it sounded too lame so it won't happen again.

damn boring days.

Sunday 8 March 2009

gone.

'Please insert disk to recover system' The computer said. must as well had been..'screw off, loser!' if it wanted. Well.. this happens when you keep putting of backing up your stuff and filling your computer to the brim.

Still adjusting to a what must be the smallest screen ever after being used to a 19" for like years. and a keyboard that's what you callit? Queery? Quierdly? And no mouse. No bloody mouse. No bloody clicking mouse.

And all will be well if my troubles were in the hardware. Gone were my pictures of my N70, my millions of weapons I designed, along with a hundred videos i took and memories, carefully scanned in and saved. Lost forever to the world. And songs, 1000 and counting number of tracks. All silenced like Jews under Hitler.

Not to mention, saved games, unpublished stories, lyrics.. and a library of viruses.

Like a man who've lost his memory, i feel handicapped.

Damn bloody computers.

Wednesday 4 March 2009

What will you protect?

What will I protect?

Freedom.
From organisations that i am part of, yet do not belong to.
Justice.
Of earning what my work's worth. and of having a choice to work how much i want to.
Dreams.
Of my own. Not aims others set for me.
Ideals.
Of human rights and freedom, of life and society. Not any particular group of people.
Family.
and of course, Friends. Which does not involve the killing of another's kinsmen.

What will you protect?

Tuesday 3 March 2009

Big brother.

Big brother is watching. He always is.

IPPT test tomorrow. how i hope i need not take it.. please. let a miracle come my way. but oh wells. I'll just go there and fail it. haha.

words unwriteable.

Sunday 1 March 2009

Just like heaven

The thoughts are getting sparser and slower, and posts therefore reflect that reduction of ideas and are too getting few and far in between.

The funniest thing about change is after you do, you don't see its need and importance, and you want to revert to normality. And when you do, you tell yourself you need change. Its how we keep ourselves busy.

had an awesome weekend so far. singing, eating, drinking and talking. Hanging out with friends. which is probably irrelevant here.

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

Now if only i could get that bar chord right.

I need inspiration.