playing with songs.

There's a light
A certain kind of light
That never shines on me..

[>>|]

...Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer’s out of reach...


[>>|]


I never had a 'Summer of 69'
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?


[>>|]

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

[>>|]

Leaving isn't quite the same
You said to me, as runnin' away.

[|<<][|<<]

... and time, won't let me go...

Feeling christmasty.

And once again, its christmas. And there are, for real, many things that i am really thankful for.

But nth more, than my family.

And my very best friends.

A clockwork orange.

Its wierd. That my souvenir from china comes in the form of books written in a language called english. Well. Not all of it. Some of it is in nadsat.

So yup.

"What's it going to be then, eh?"

21

So. another day.

Another long day spent with my closest friends, and now I'm back. Here. Writing down perhaps what i should have wrote yesterday but never took the time to.

You know how ideas seem to flit into your head, spin around it for a moment, perhaps make you ponder upon it for a few seconds, let you make a mental note about it, then totally vanish and disappear, together with the mental note and the knowledge of ever thinking about it? That's perhaps the reason why nothing came out when i sat down to type last night. and why little, if anything if coming through right now as well. But i shall persevere, or at least try to finish this post before i sleep tonight.

So let's begin, shall we?

Firstly. I'm now 21. And yeah. It took me just long enough to get here. And its been a good journey so far. Its kinda cool when you think about it, the amounts of choices made everyday, of options forfeited, chances taken that led all the way up to today. Perhaps in one of a million parallel universe I celebrated yesterday alone, and perhaps in another i'm missing one group of friend, or another group in another, or perhaps it would've been the other way around, celebrating at say a club, or at a poolside with millions turning up. But I don't know how those parallel equals of mine would feel, but i certainly do feel quite awesome right here.

Pardon my eccentricities, its the once in a year time where i get to spout rubbish without people stopping me. Not that that stops me from talking nonsense most of the time, but i do appreciate this freedom.

And so on we go.

I'm thankful for that great night. the night of the 10th. of the last month of the year of the 10th. The night where in a way, my whole life lined in front of me, almost my whole life anyway. I had friends from my primary, secondary then university all attending. I look into faces and i see memories peering back at me, stories sometimes so blurred out, that their details get confused with one another. But perhaps that's what our brains do, it blurs out the lines, unfocus the details, so that the memories turn awesome, even perhaps better than experiencing it.

And on a more personal note, turning 21 seems to still have caused or at least started changes in me that me myself am still unable to fathom. It seems such a landmark. But then again, my brain is pretty famed within my body for raising false alarms and thinking too much about things. But then again, my brain is probably the only thing that is thinking inside my body. God damn Anatomy, i can now never think with my feet or my heart again.

And it seems strange typing this, perhaps because i have ran out of ideas of things to write about, which i am quite sure is not the case. Its simply a case of me not being able to remember those things i thought about earlier in the day, or since yesterday.

But yeah, let me just end of this post with a few thank yous.

Firstly my parents, and grandparents, and ancestors beyond, for after 5000 or so years of chance, produced me. For that, i am more than grateful. To my sis as well, for being such a nice sister, for the day. haha.

A big thank you to all of you that turned up on friday, and thanks to everyone who wanted to come but couldn't make it. Thanks to those who wished me happy birthday in person, by phone, or over the internet, you have made saturday a really special day for me. And thank you, all of you, who have been a part or another of this 21 years of my life, thank you, you who i forgotten, you who i shared laughs with, you who are perhaps reading this right now, and you who perhaps never even knew this existed. Thank you, for being part of a great 21 year journey that brought me here to the starting point of adulthood, a gateway i've waited for so long now. And last but not least, I thank my brothers who stayed the night. And let there be no doubt, I'll follow you into the dark.

Till next time.

Morpheus awaits.

Save tonight

And we'll fight the break of dawn?

Its tonight. and i hope it'll be a good night.

of old things.

So its that time again.That time of year, where i get consumed with thoughts and reflections about the year past and the year's that's coming. Of struggles that I perhaps had, and those that would perhaps face soon. Its the time of the year that i try to think of a word or a phrase or a line from somewhere to in a way catalogue the year that has been. And yup. So here am I, lying semi-supine in my bed, trying to sort the random jumble of words in my brain into coherent sentences that perhaps i could understand.

So. here goes?

You know how they say that you wouldn't know how much you need/like/love something until you lost it. Well, in a way, this year is kinda summed up by that. I remember the initial doubt of facing melbourne. The fear and, alright, perhaps not so much of the fear, i remember looking forward to melbourne actually. It kinda felt like a new adventure. Which on hindsight, it is. And yeah, going there however, meant that i had to make sacrifices. I spent a year away from my family and friends. The simple pleasures of watching breakfast shows on TV in chinese, or not doing your own laundry was sorely missed. Things, i perhaps would not even think about if i had continued staying here. And food, oh how i missed the food. The simple things like beef noodles, or fried carrot cake. Oh how i missed them. But yep, it has been a great year and It would be unfair of me to dwell on the stuff that i missed while I'm there. For I had a great time there, learning about things i truly want to learn about, and learning to live independently, or as my parents constantly remind me, pseudo-independently. But I've learnt a great deal in the process, not things like how to cook or how to do my own laundry, or financial planning or things like that. I've learnt things I did not know about myself, and rediscovered some things. And perhaps, the new 'me' i found and believe in may be just a passing phrase and may be unrecognisable say 5 years from now. Its great to finally feel as though i know myself.

And now I'm back, I've realised just how much freedom I have had there and how much i sorely missed it. How i missed the late nights and the guiltless beers. The just sitting around in my room doing nothing kinda feeling. Being able to eat out whenever i want to, and at whatever time i want to. Oh How i missed that. I missed the slower pace of life of melbourne, I miss feeling not everything is about money, and that there are much more things than that. I miss holding my guitar in my hands and singing to myself, telling myself 'No woman, No cry' or 'Let it be'. I still do that here in singapore of course. But it just feels different facing four empty walls and sorta hoping someone out there could and would hear you.

It would be great, if i could combine just the good parts of both places and yeah, live it as one. But it would apparently seem that that is unattainable, at least not so in the near future, or for most parts of the foreseeable one. And so until perhaps that is a real option, it ain't bad having it in the ratio i have it now eh, 9 mths of freedom, 3 mths of fun.

I'm turning 21 in a week.

It seems just yesterday i was turning 18, 19, 20 and now today.

Was just reading past entries around my birthday, and it sure did bring a chuckle to my mouth as i look through the past. After all, it was the same guy who declared himself independent as a marquisdom, the same guy who insisted in writing an edict to his 'people' every birthday. What great times eh?

21? Bring on the key, bring on freedom, bring on adulthood.

I'm waiting on you with open arms. I really am. I've built my castle, and my armour, I've polished my sword, my shield and my gauntlets. Now bring on the dragons, and the princesses. I'm ready.

Of boredom

And so here I am. lying in bed, tired, but sleepless..

I always wanted such a period, a time for nothingness and perhaps a little quiet. But it seems oddly overwhelming, the idea of not having anything to do, or any place to be.

I can't wait for my brothers to be done with their exams. And hopefully end my boredom with such.

'and if make the plans, can we just not find the time'

Its been a long long time since I'm home. A long long time. And it feels really good to be back. True, things may not be always be smooth back here. True, that i feel sometimes caged, and sometimes frustrated.

Its good to be home.

The year.

And it all cumulated to tonight. A journey that was not exactly smooth sailing but yet far from any sign of rough waters. And so it ends, 10 mths in foreign soil, doing something I want to do in a place I want to be.

First year of med school has been a great, if slightly steep learning curve. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something I am not traditionally good at. No more could i rely on the logic of maths or the law of physics. But its been great, learning about parts of my body. Muscles, I didn't know existed, Bones, I didn't know had a name.

But its what I've accomplished outside the curriculum that is perhaps worth celebrating. I've survived almost a whole year independently. I've made great friends, both in and outside the course. I've been places, had great adventures, tasted heavenly food, and hellish stuff too. I've climbed mountains and crossed seas. Braved the wind, the rain and the hailstorm of the weather that is melbourne. I stayed sober, but I got drunk. I had my fill, my fair share of losing.

Its been a great year. And I very much look forward to the next. and the one after. and then one after. and then those beyond.

I would have more to write. For its been a eventful year after all. But my brain is not functioning due to its withdrawal from caffeine, and also, its 3.15am now.

So. Till next time.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-Invictus

Tomorrow. Will start the conclusion to what has been at least a interesting first year. And i do hope i can do well. I once really believed in hope. I hope that hope doesn't abandon me now.

I do not know if i have did enough.
I hope i had.
I do not know if i know enough.
I hope i do.
I do not know if i'm in the right mind.
I hope i am.

Till next time.

Inspired

Alright. Its 4 minutes and and 2 and a half days to my exams. And i find myself here. slightly worried. A little stressed. And once again thinking why am i going through all this.

Its easy to see the practical reason. Get a job. Earn my pay. For that's what we need to continue to live eh? Stable job, stable pay. Pay off my parents. Bring up my children. Buy a car. and a plasma TV. and perhaps live well in a big house.

Its harder to see though, how am i trying to achieve my dreams. Its hard to see, how is being a doctor an alternative for someone who from young wanted to be a dragon slaying knight of an ancient chinese empire. Or a power ranger. Or a mutant. And I have to secretly admit. I have not given up on half of those dreams. Its easy to see the end. Where i want to be, standing amongst the savannah of africa, outside my medical tentage, watching the sun fall behind the great accacia trees, surrounded by a dozen people i just treated. Or in my clinic, closing up for the night, shelving up the files of the poor i just treated. Or taking off my blue ER PPT suit, smiling as i enjoy another 'one live saved' moment.

Many say its the journey that counts. Yet this journey is difficult and rough to say the least. And this time, i have much less to depend on. All along the way so far, the bicycle of childhood had the guide wheels firmly screwed on. For the first time, I am riding without the guide wheels. And for the first time, perhaps there's nth to catch me if i fall. And for the first time, i am out of my comfort zone of maths and physics. love them as i may. For the first time, my abilities to calculate my ways out of a situation is as good as knowing how to write english poems in ancient china.

There are many things i would like to tell myself 10 years from now. And perhaps 10 years from now, there will be many things i would like to tell myself too. But yes. I would know them. Wouldn't I?

In any case. That's something for another post sometime later.

Gimme a break

Got on board a westbound seven-forty-seven
Didn't think before deciding what to do
All that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before

It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Out of work, I'm out of my head
Out of self-respect, I'm out of bread
I'm under loved, I'm underfed
I wanna go home

It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it
Had offers but don't know which one to take
Please, don't tell them how you found me
Don't tell them how you found me, gimme a break, gimme a break

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours


Dang. I need a break man. I need to catch the North Bound Boeing triple seven. To home. To the red red wine and the green green grass of home.

Utter bullcrap

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/note.php?note_id=435703785332&id=838833331

This has recently came to circulate in facebook.
This is utter bullshit.

Its easy of course to say, Oh Education is a scam by the corporations to keep you under their hold. To keep you average. To make you a worker drone in the hive we call society. And coming from me, that's saying something. Sure, oh, Don't work, live free, do what you like. I happen to like to be a rockstar or a footballer. I also want to be a mutant and a superhero, a spy and a marine biologist. I have no idea why, but I have grown to hate writings like those. Things that try to sway opinions one way or another by saying things people want to hear. People want to hear things that tell them what they secretly think is true. They want you to tell them yes, life is short, you only live once, live it fun. Work is terrible. So is school.

Me? I am happy the way i am. I like studying, learning about stuff, as much as i dislike exams which are coming in a week. I want to be a great doctor and perhaps specialise in something i not sure of yet. I want to work, tiring as it will be, and it should be, and do things i may regret a little in the end. I want to feel tired, exhausted even. And then i plan, and i hope that i will live a good long life and then when i retire, i can get back to school to learn about philosophy or greek mythology or things like that.

Up yours.Adrian.

Till next time.

Y estare contigo cuando treste estas

I believed in that line once. but perhaps no more. but somehow. that line triggers something in me.

bloody hail.

The gambler

On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
so if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

When he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Great song by Kenny Rogers. great song.

My friends. 41 days.
And then we chill out and do stupid things.

four mid-autumns.

'And they were all there to meet me,
In the shade of the old oak tree.'

Its the mid-autumn festival again. The day that they say, the moon is at its roundest, most perfect form of the entire year. Yet too, they say, that the moon is always rounder back home. Yes. Its one of those days, and those posts about me missing home again.

I can assure you that these days do not happen every other day. In fact, I think it happens far less for me compared to the average international student. But i believe that there are dates, set by people long past, about times where we should feel a certain way. And somehow, there's this need of me to honour these dates and stuff. Some call me old, my mind that of an old man. But i guess, in a way, that's respecting culture and tradition.

On this day 15 yrs ago. I would be in Chong Pang, away from my extended family, but closest to my parents. They will push my sister on a tram, or was she walking by then? and one of them will hold on to one small hand of mine, while my other will be firmly grasped around a lantern, was it a dinosaur? green? blue? purple? The details get faded it seems. But we would walk, 4 of us, a core family unit, around our neighbourhood. Past that police post right at our doorstep, to the community centre and my school right across our block. around, back, and perhaps enjoy some mooncake and sleep.

Then 5 years later. I was in Malaysia, Subang. Where i would celebrate this day with my neighbours, the few of us who all go to the same school, whose parents know each other's parents. We would once again, parade with our lanterns. And its a little clearer this time. Its a dinosaur again. A purple one, the shape of one of those plant eating kind. And i remember now, the one when i was younger was a superhero, of unknown faction, probably just a knock-off by some chinese factory. But back to 10 yrs ago, me and my friends then, we would place candles in nicely positioned piles. And light them, trying to create a huge fire. And we would jump with joy when it crackled and burn and would add little pieces of grass and stick to it. And just when we get excited, our parents will without fail come, put down their tea and mooncakes, and put out the fire and tell us to stop. And we would, for secretly we know, that tomorrow in school, we would say we created the biggest fire yet.

And 5 years further on, when i was 15 going on 16, I had no more liking for such playthings. I was an adult in my eyes already. So as my sister begged to go walk with her lantern, i refused. And perhaps i hurt her then. For that, I'm sorry. For when we grow up, sometimes, we forget what is it like to be young. What, or how we might have thought. When we grow older it seems, we tend to forget the important things. Like how amazing cars are. Or why is the sky blue. Or that superman exists. And sometimes, we don't event acknowledge that we forgot them. Attributing them to, 'we grew up'. And in that way, we get chased out of narnia.

And just a year ago, this day was like any other. I was in camp. Doing the usual stuff. Not even knowing the day has came. Perhaps at the smoking corner i realised the moon was round that night. Perhaps i didn't.

And today came. I am having a celebration come the next night. And hopefully, I can see the moon.

Sing I for a brave and a gallant ship,
A stiff and a rattling breeze,
A bully's crew and a captain true,
To carry her o'er the seas.

So blow yer winds high oh!
A roaming she would go.
For she's on her way to her own true love
Five thousand miles away.

Haiku for a cold night.

I miss the cold nights.
Sipping Beer and Vodka
Talking Unrestrained.

marklar. If a Marklar did marklar than a marklar, it takes real marklar for marklar to marklar marklar.

marklar.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Goodbye Snow.

O snow, in thy soft grave
Sad flow'rs the winter brave;
O heart, so sooth and save,
as does the snow.
The snow must melt, must go,
Fast, fast as water flow.
Not thus, my soul, O sow
Thy gifts to fade like snow.
- Elgar


Today, snow melts. No. I'm not talking about the changing weather of melbourne, for it never does snow here. But instead, I'm here to pay tribute to a very close friend of mine. Someone who was with me through my darkest hours, during the most silent of nights. Someone who has never, not once, let me down. Someone who has for more than once, cheered me up when I'm down, Calmed me down when I'm feeling the nerves, Warmed me up when the cold bites me, and cooled me down when I'm feeling the heat. Someone who had never, rejected me from her warm embraces. Never had she said no, when i said 'damn i need someone'. A true soulmate. Someone who gives and never takes.

I remember our first meeting, that night i booked out, somewhen in the frozen month of january, where everything seem so bleak and barren, where i could hardly find hope in anything in that green that surrounds me. You came, as an angel descending upon humankind, with your angelic voice and angelic exuberance, you came to me. You fill my head with ideas, with inspiration, with hope and dreams of a better tomorrow. And true to your words, those dreams did came through in just a matter of weeks. And then you told me, hold on to whatever i was, to not lost myself in that seemingly perfect utopia at that time. And in the heat of my youth, I did not heed your advice. But still you stayed, a loyal voice on the sidelines, as i went through extreme bliss and then heartbreak. And still you were there, accompanying me through those dark nights, never once blaming me for not heeding your advice. And i was so thankful you were there.

And while all those was happening, there was many a time in those starry starry nights that you have been by my side, reminding me of the wonders of the world. That there were more things here than i know of. Remember, The nights in New Zealand under the stars? Then under the scorching sun in thailand? And under the lush canopy of Brunei? You were one constant throughout them, keeping me company when i needed that most. They way you put me to sleep with your soft caress. and then wake me up softly, but nonetheless firmly.

They say words, don't come easy to me. But I loved you snow. I still very much do. But as Elgar says, of which you have reminded me on multiple occasions, the snow must melt; must melt, must go. And that fateful night came, the night that you whispered to me, "find a new love, love. I'm here to bring you this far, and this is as far as i would go". And i cried, for never would i thought today will arrive. Not so soon anyway. But move on i shall, for that is what you want. But i shall never forget the lessons you thought me, the dreams you gave me, and the wonders of the world you shown me. And perhaps, just maybe one day, i will able to teach others these lessons.

For all those and more, I thank you once again my dearest friend. My closest confidante. And now, enjoy your silence.

-A tribute to snow.

Pandora's box

The pandora's box.

That mystical box we are told never to open, perhaps to some cultures, the apple of eve. But yet, time and time again, as history tells us, it never ends up unopened, even in movies like jumanji or that space version of it which i can't seem to remember the name right now. And perhaps we will never learn.

Just a thought that has been coiling around my head for at least a couple of days now, with a series of late night and alcohol infusion preventing myself from writing it out. I sympathise with pandora, that curiosity must have been crazy for her, to have a jar she could not open, to be kept guessing on what did she have. And perhaps she had known only evil would come out of the box, but would she then, have kept away from opening it. Or perhaps, would she, like most of us, and perhaps me, still open it.

If there's one thing to be learnt from Pandora. Its that hope is at the bottom of the jar.

Circumstance

Creatures of circumstance.

Somehow this term has been stuck in my head for a couple of days now. I am sure i heard of something like that somewhere before, maybe not the exact words, but perhaps conveying the same meaning.

Do not be mistaken, circumstance have not been terribly cruel to me, nor have i been exceptionally unfortunate. In fact, i am enjoying a period of relative luck compared to the lousy fortune i have been having a couple of weeks back. For starters, i have not been misplacing my money, which is more than just that actually.

But perhaps its the full moon once again, that set me thinking about perhaps how true that is. Nature versus nurture for some. Are we really who we are because of who we are, or are we who we are because its who we are supposed to be. To fit as a gear tooth in this clockwork of life, or a thread in this magnificent tapespry. Or do we weave our own stories as randomly and beautifully as the flight of a butterfly.

Life's tough, ain't it. For some reason, it really has. Have been telling myself to set things straight and focus on my aims. But its easier said than done man, especially when once again, the aim isn't mine, but what circumstance has for me. I would if not perhaps for circumstance, like to just chill out and relax. To look to the moon and marvel at its wonders, to enjoy the cold breeze and letting it tell me the answers of the wind. To perhaps be hippie and shit and just chill out everyday. Or perhaps just sip my beer and chill out. Enjoy the little things. Rule #32 if i am not wrong in zombieland.

And i guess that's for that.

And its back to the mime i guess. The invisible windows and walls. Trying to find an invisible knob on an invisible door, and trying to walk through that door. "There is it, fool", someone in the crowd exclaims. Of course i know there it is, but is it? Could i not grab it if it was? I am a mime, not a fool, seeing things in perhaps ways only we could.

I don't make sense.

Tonight Im gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world turning inside out yeah!
And floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
Cause Im having a good time having a good time

Im a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
Im a racing car passing by like lady godiva
Im gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now Im having such a good time
Im having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now (cause Im havin a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes Im havin a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

Im a rocket ship on my way to mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite Im out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

Don't stop me don't stop me
Don't stop me hey hey hey!
Don't stop me don't stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don't stop me don't stop me
Have a good time good time
Don't stop me don't stop me ah

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now Im having such a good time
Im having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now (cause Im havin a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes Im havin a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

Alright. perhaps part one is accomplished. to a certain extent at least. Its now for the second act. This is gonna be hard. but yeah. come the haircut. things are gonna change around here. they need to.

Its time.

7 days to the paper. and i can't focus for more than one set of lecture notes.

I need a sign.

There are people in your life, that you're supposed to know and befriend, to hang out and have fun. And there are some people you are not. And of the latter category, there are those that you do not, those whose vibes doesn't not match your flow, and there are those you want, but could not.

And these are the passing people that leaves an impression on you. The street musician that's rocking his way down swanston, the guy in the bar you overheard talking about something you agree with, that girl dancing with another guy.

And its that girl i can't move my brain away from for now.

Of thin lines

You know how sometimes you know you are not supposed to do something you're not supposed to. No, I'm not talking about murder, of theft, or any criminal offences like those. I'm talking bout reaction. Like how sometimes you're supposed not to make a comeback, and take some jokes as it is. Or sometimes you should be ashamed of somethings, instead of further glorifying it and make a nuisance out of myself.

Its not my way recently. Somtimes, i feel that i'm too caught up with my need to be me, that i feel perhaps a little too crazy, too wierd, even obnoxious at times. It is after all, a fine line, a fine line between eccentric and lunacy, between indie and wierd, between unique and different. And in my moments of eccentricity, my hours of madness, and my crazy days, i beg you all for your forgiveness, for perhaps a sentence too much, or an action too wierd, or a tad too noisy.

Thanks for your understanding, sorry for the inconvenience caused. And may my madness boil over soon.

Till next time.

[3 mins after the post] And i miss home for some sudden reason. and me mum.

Formspring

http://formspring.me/marquisDCarabas

Apparently this thing is pretty cool where you get to ask questions and i get to answer them. Created it as i continued my trend of creating something, probably not using it until more of my friends are on it, then start using it after quite some time. Like Facebook, or twitter, or even blogs for that matter.

So go on, shoot me a question. And no, No 'why is your stomach so big'.

till nxt time.

A year

Its a year now. more or less so anyway. Since everything started snowballing. Offers, ORD, everything. Was just reading through my posts from a year ago as i looked for inspiration, for something, A story perhaps. A song.

I need a drink, my friends. A drink with you guys.

2 songs.

Don't let the silence get you down
Though you've been sitting here for hours
Hoping a voice could soon be found that speaks much louder than this music

For you're a little off colour and out for the count
Don't let that get you down

Don't let the talking keep you up
If they're your friends they'll share your vision
And as the phone rings break the silence they don't figure out that you
Don't want to answer

For you're a little off colour and tired of the sound
Don't let it get you down

Don't let the people make you think that just because you're young you're useless
You know it's not naive to think that you can change the things around and that no man is an island

For I'd rather be a pebble in an ocean vast and drown alone
Than make no sound

-One more with feeling, GCWCF

Life is hard
And so am I
You'd better give me something
So I don't die
Novocaine for the soul
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Life is white
And I am black
Jesus and his lawyer
Are coming back
Oh my darling
Will you be here
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Guess who's living here with the great undead
This paint by numbers life is fucking with my head, once again
Life is good
And I feel great
Cuz mother says I was
A great mistake
Novocaine for the soul
You'd better give me something to fill the hole
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out

-Novocaine for the soul, Eels

I need time to either speed up or rewind. That was my conclusion after a great long borning day that was preceeded by a dream that was kinda screwed in a way.

You know how sometimes in dreams you could control what happens next and where everything is but somehow that whacked mind of yours have to make all the worst decisions possible. Like putting a maze in the middle of a road, or summoning a giant troll while you're trying to run and catch the train, or yet sometimes by simply refusing to wake up. But the worst of all, the very worst, is if the dreams decides to choose all the right things, all how things are supposed to be and should've been or would be. I had the same kind of dream once before, but unlike this time, i was not able to choose at that time. This time i could, and i chose all the wrong choices.

And perhaps yet again, its a sign.

Hopefully.

Till next time.

Thanks.

The beatles got it right, didn’t they. They said “I wanna hold your hand”. And there ain’t actually much else I wanna do.

I believe that we as human beings, are able to feel strong emotions across our physical limitations, beyond language and speech, across cultures, backgrounds and our varied histories. Feelings not of negativity, but of trust and belief, of holding another’s hand and knowing that she believes in your fully. Of knowing what trust she has behind that innocent smile. I admit, I do not understand what she was trying to say, nor what was she pointing at. She pointed at the house, was she asking me about my home? And she pointed at faces, was she asking me why do I look so different? And she pointed at my watch. Was she asking me how old am I, or how long will I be there for? Or could she be telling me to feel at home here, and that we are all the same, and that such things are timeless? I could never know. But what I do know is that moment when she grabbed my hand, I feel that immediate bond between us that transcended all our differences. That simple gesture of one’s hand in another, perhaps it's a physiological thing involving our nerve corpuscles and things like that, but yet perhaps it’s something soulful, something that shouts ‘We’re one’. There an unexplained bond there that I felt, something that made me wanna just hold on to her hand and just watch her point to me the wonders of her world. Of when she rode a horse, or when she worked in the garden and drew a painting, or when it was time to go home. Of the bright colours surrounding the room, or the different sounds that different objects make when she knock on them with her little hands, and of that smile, painted bright blue on a picture that made no sense to none other, shining forever in my memory. I do not have a picture, but hopefully your face would never fade from my memory. You’re wonderful, girl.

Thanks Greta. And yes. I Wanna hold your hand.

And that's not forgetting you too little Tiff. Thanks for showing me what painting is all about. The process and not the product. Until now, I still have no idea what are you trying to draw. Was that a rainbow that you couldn’t find enough colour to draw? Or was that the garden outside, with its brilliant hues of green painted on a background of brownish dirt? And those little shapes you made from that dough, are they sheep? Or are they snow? Or are they rocks you saw on the road? And then I turned, and I wonder, were those clouds? I’m still wondering, perhaps one day, you could tell me?

And I do not believe its your fault Tiff, for you and Alex shown me that its mine. With my so called knowledge and ‘normality’, things have became too solid for me, of lines and solid colours, that I could not recognize all the little things that made them what they are. Like it's the smiles that make us human, not proper shapes and faces or things like that. Like it's the ability to fly to make a rocket a rocket, not that it has wings or a giant exhaust and a pointed nose. Sometimes in our pursuit of greater heights, we forget the little things.

And Matt, could you please tell what what’s the story about? I see your fingers moving and your expression changing. It certainly looks interesting, I am genuinely interested in what are your fingers playing. Tell me won’t ya?

The four of you probably won’t get a chance to read or understand this. But let me say that I meant everything I wrote. And I wish you guys the best of luck in your futures. And may our futures cross paths again.

Just back from rural attachment. not actually back actually. sitting on the bus typing this making my way to southern cross. Foster has been a wonderful experience. Time past real fast there, i would definitely go back there if given the chance. Was at one point really affected by my visit to the specialist school, as i always am when i visit such places.

Till next time.

There are times where you feel that you need to do something that defines you over a period of time. Like performing at some awesome gig or scoring a perfect score at something, or be the hero of a winning team.

And there are times which are not like that.

Balancing on
One wounded wing
Circling the edge
Of the neverending
The best of the vanished marvels have gathered inside your door

More than begin
But less than forget
But spirits born
From the not happened yet
Gathering there
To pay off a debt brought back from the wars

We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
Welcome back

Sleeping for years
Pick through what is left
Through the pieces that fell and rose from the depth
From the rainwater well
Deep as a secret nobody knows

Less than forget
But more than begun
These adventures in solitude never done
To the names of our wounds
We send the same blood back from the wars

We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
We thought we lost you
It will all come back

I know you want to
Run far away from one more
And that it's coming at a bad time
Some cold place
Heartless ways
For all we know

I know you need to
Breathe through
Come back
Come too
But it's coming at a bad time
Tangled day
For all we know

I know you want to
Run far away from one more
And that's coming at a bad time
Some cold race
Heartless ways
For all we know

I know you want to
Breathe through
Come back
Come too
But it's coming at a bad time
Old scarred face
Survivor's guilt
For all we know

Adventures.

lol

Some call me a wagabond, and some say i'm a wigilante. As i striwe for wictory against the world against me at such a welocity.in this wacant wacuum we call humankind. I stand wanguished, a wagrant and a wagabond, a poor wapour of a man. But in this waricose wein of a wampid world, i know one day, i would be windicated and awenged, and then i will stand wenerable and inwincible.

enough of jokes about me not being able to pronouce the letter v.

wrong side.

There's a old saying about getting out of bed the wrong way or the wrong side or something on a particular day and that particular day turning out to be somewhat shitty. Well, those days are a dime a dozen since i came over here. Sure they're awesome days that i've been blogging about, but little shitty incidences have littered my life here.

like today. I woke up 15 mins late, not a damn much you say. but seeing i take 45 mins in the morning to get from half-awake drunkeness to full power rockstardom, 15 mins is a third of the time. After my ORD, i am now fully incapable of waking up and being battle ready in like 5 mins. I need my time to check soccernet, have my cup of coffee, and wander around the room and finally settle for my choice of breakfast crackers, and then to bathe, not the army wash down where i use one soap literally from head to toe. But to slowly and meticulously wash and ready each part of my body for the oncoming day. so 15mins wander, 15 mins breakfast and 15 mins bathe. waking up 15 mins late means i've to shave 5 mins off everything. which totally sucked. And to add to that, i have to sorta lose my watch today of all days. Granted, it may just be at rusdens, but yeah, in my 15-mins-too-early state in the morning, trying to recall where i took off my watch is of great difficulty.

What followed was running, searching, and more running. Which in this cold weather, resulted in me catching a cold. Which left me facing the dilemma whether to hack off my nose or to get a scapel and take out my whole respiratory system. Its only for that last remnant of logical thought despite its obvious hypoxia that stopped me from doing so.

And let's just say this is not the first time i 'woke up at the wrong side of the bed'.

How the hell i get off the wrong side when i there's only one side of my bed that i could get out from.

Damn i hate my nose.

And bloody crazy angmohs are blasting party music a couple of rooms away.

One more time i hear that 'break , break your heart' song, i'm going to get my knife and show them exactly that. lol.

Live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
But now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Live forever - Oasis

Awesome shit.

one week in the winter cold

Well. there's something in the winter cold that i love.

Sure i miss my friends in singapore, chilling out and drinking, eating great food and going around and stuff. But that would certainly be unfair the the fun i had been having here at melbourne. The cold turn many away into their rooms and heaters, but somehow i enjoy that slight chill on my cheeks, that cold. That refreshingly awakening cold.

And its been a week. School has been well, stressful like school is supposed to be.but i am enjoying my return to freedom of my room, to sip cider from my armchair with my legs comfortably on my table. Now that is the life.

I know that i may change, and things may change. But typing this now from the comfort of this four walls that shouldn't even feel comfortable. I am satisfied.

There may come a time soon when i say screw this, i'm going back once my course ends. But the allure of melbourne is just so great for me.

The cold isn't depressing. Its calming.

midpoint conclusion

And thus it ends, with a spin of the wheel and the taste of merlot. For 5% at least. and the first half of my first year overseas conclude. I'm immensely tired from the paper and its preparation and all the great fun i had today. But yeah. I thought i would write a few things before the night is done.

And its been a little more than 4 months here in melbourne, alright. fine. Clayton. And i am actually suprised at how well it went. Like true, there have been ups and downs and some episodes of epicness with some moments of homesickness. But yeah. Its been great.

I would have wrote more. but yeah. that would be wierd. In a way at least. And So i shall leave it here. sipping my Cabernet Merlot. But yeah.

Thank you. Nurul, Cheryl, Coral, Chelsea, Chris, Wei Ming, Sufandy, Joel, Jean, Chee Cheen, Kenneth. For making my melbourne days so far A-awesome. Gonna miss you guys when you are back in singapore man. haha. cheers!

Here i sit amongst my pile of notes. read and unread. While acute stress raises my body histamine levels, making my skin itch. ("what? in which set of notes was that? Acute inflammation? Stress management?", Medicine kid #1059) Death, Dying and Palliative care sprawled out in front of me. Random coincidence? or forewarning of some sort?

My brain is not functioning. Well, it shouldn't be. I did not study about it. Skipped that part from that chapter on nerves.

Hell. 16 hours away.
20 till it freezes over.

Maybe its the living in this cell of mine.
Maybe its the MSG.
Maybe its the repeated studying.
Mayve its just me.

Can't seem to calm myself down to study today. and its just 3 short/long days left. dammit.

3 more.

Alive.

I am not dead.

not in the literal sense of the word anyway. Its been almost a month now since i last posted. And contradicting popular belief, i am still well alive and kicking. Though sometimes i'm not really sure about the well part. I'm flooded now my a torrent of microorganisms while trying to find my footing in the ever changing realm of pharmacology. Cancer shines high upon the skies, and good things never happen when that is the case.

Alright. enough nonsense. not in the trascription, translation manner.

Back to studying.

Hall Room musical :scene 1

What's so amazing,
That keeps us stargazin'?
And what do we think we might see?

Was just looking at the stars on my way home and was once again captivated like i always am. And the stars brought me to those old days where i tried to catch one of them and trap them in my hands. And yeah. That star wasn't there.

But,

Someday we'll find it,
The rainbow connection,
The lovers, The dreamers, and me.

Its still me, Strumming my guitar ever so tenderly, wrapping my hands around her slender neck. And then.

I looked at the world,
and i know it is turning.
Still my guitar, gently weeps.

Till next time, my friends.

Better Together

Enjoy.

About missing home.

I thought i wouldn't. But here i am. Thinking bout the green green grass of home, strumming my ukulele and blowing my harmonica. You know like how the greatest of dams could be fell by the smallest of holes. The waves of emo could be triggered by the smallest means, by the smallest familiar scent of home, which did not came from home at all. Or by the striking of a mis-played chord, the same one I played lying on my queen sized bed, staring at my unevenly painted green walls. Or the wind hitting me at a specific angle and speed, fooling my nerves into believing i was on my couch once more, reading a book or listening to a song. And sometimes, it need no trigger at all. Just suddenly from the back of your brain, Mr Wong-Inside says Hi.

And then you think about home. About whether your walls are still green. If the carpet you wanted for your room is already in your room. Whether dust has been collecting on your books, or your bed. Or did your parents white sheet everything, as though you no longer belonged to this world. And did they lock the door, maybe to spare themselves the thought of you being overseas, and if they did, would it be forever? And if they didn't, is it now a guest room, open for all walks of life to rest in, to flip through your carefully sorted by author and alphebet books, or your closet, and all the bones you hide in it. And will they sweep under the bed and the table, to find pieces of you left behind, pieces you don't even notice you've left behind.

And then you think more about home and the people. What did they cook yesterday? Is it vegetarian? What happened to the colour lights of the living room, or the computer to which you hold the master password. And the kitchen, and that all so familiar sight of mum, and that all so wonderful scent of vegetables frying in a pan, or soup in a pot, or cake in the stove. And then you think about the food you're having here, and suddenly everything seems too salty, or too oily, or too bland, or too tasteful, or tasteless, or sweet, or sour. And Someone cooked you what you want, and you still feel something's missing though you can't tell what. And then the piano, do your sister still play it, that loud annoying song that rings through the whole house. And is that player on the altar still working, do it still play? And do we still have sports on TV when i return? If i return.

And you think outside your home. Is that tree still there, or that empty field, have they started building something there. And your friends, do they still hang out at the same places, is the macs still 24/7. Do they still get the front 4 rows seats in the cinema, and who gets the spoilt com during LAN now? or do they LAN at all.

And then you think. and you think. and you think.

And you say damn.
I'm not supposed to be missing home at all.

And you shrug.
And say 'Oh wells'

And life goes on.

Till nxt time.

Hello. Its been long once again.

It is customary for me to ask a question like 'have you ever felt this' or 'have you ever felt that'. But I am not going to this time. For I believe everyone has. And should have, felt as though he is standing against crashing waves, which seeks not to break you, not to destroy you by its brute force, but to drown you in its swirling currents and overlapping tides. Suddenly when the waves of studies and social life and the future comes crashing down on you, you feel not that you are not strong enough to stand up to them all, just not tall enough to stand above them all.

No wonder medicine students have the highest suicide rates.

I wanted to write a continuation to a story i once wrote. But someone changed my mood so i'm no longer able to continue writing that story now. But yes. I've more to say.

Something about how parents do not belong in facebook. Nor anyone who isn't actually a friend for that matter. Sure i know you guys care and want to be our friends, but truth is, you are already more than that (parents are, at least). You guys are people who we are already truthful to, and facebook, to a certain extent at least, is part of our social image we have to uphold, so we can't be your little boy or girl at home on there, or on our blogs, or whatever. Its the reason some of you are on limited profile (Yes, you are) and some of your comments are deleted. And one of the reasons i am not forthright in my writing, or why you are sometimes blocked on my msn. Yes, I'm sorry. But me outside, is just not the same as me at home. I know you will ask me, why so? why must you be not yourself outside. But i'm not, I'm both me at home and me outside. Its something we all are, We are not 2 dimensional, we have more facets than a diamond could ever have, and more sides than any polygon, and its this facets, and this angles that makes us reflect the brightest amongst all. This is us. I am more than that. Since young i have always craved freedom and privacy, perhaps as much as everyone else, perhaps more. But i know privacy comes with a price. The price of distance and the price of our relationships. Which is why i do not push for total freedom and privacy, for i will call that isolation. But yes, give me my cyber privacy, and my internet freedom. For you guys do not belong online, you guys are in my heart.

of emptiness

Alright. 2 months in, and finally a weekday away from the hustle and bustle of school life. And in this quiet i found instead of peace, a little irritation and a little annoyance. Something that bothers my mind to no end. Maybe i am sick, or maybe that's not the main reason. Maybe its because my world seems blurred today, without my specs (2 pairs of specs broke in 2 months here, not my fault). And maybe even, its because the sun is now setting a little after 6pm, disturbing my inner chakra or something like that, who knows.

School has now settled into a series of lectures and tutorials and running away from them, as i slowly machinate myself again as i slowly try to find ways to accomodate this machination. Like i want to enjoy studying, but my little friend called stress is not allowing that. Just when i thought i was going good at my own pace, little stress comes along knocking. And so the tussling and fighting begins again.

But then again, it may just be the specs. Like i don't feel right seeing things but not seeing them right. Like i am missing my eye of the tiger or something.

Its wierd, but its true, how life occurs in cyclical flows. Awesomeness days are often followed by days in the shithole. Like 2 weeks ago things will going rockingly, my toner still has ink, my guitar was restrung, itunes on shuffle were churning out good songs, and i was basically having the time of my life, and most importantly, i had my specs on or at least contacts on some days. Today, after accumulation of several days, I am 63 dollars poorer, my toner is out, my itunes tell me that there is gonna be 'heartache tonight' , and even soccer didn't feel right just now. And when soccer don't feel right, things ain't right.

Like you know, how sometimes you just feel souless, like, no, its not a sudden loss of sensation, more of a slow accumulation of everything that leaves you just tired, void of feelings, and just sitting around not thinking. Not unlike losing a love that you never had, or suddenly realising that the full moon wasn't actually full.

Today is a day i miss my friends.

Oh well. Time for Star Wars Ep 6. Lets let luke try to cheer me up.

till next time.

What a week. What a Easter.

There are things that makes studying overseas worthwhile, things that alleivate the pain of seperation, things that reliefs the constant thorn of homesickness, things that makes you believe that the choice has always been right. Not that i did not know that from the start. In fact i have always did, the choice was mine, wasn't it? It wasn't because of NUS, or their rejection, but for the will to have a great time overseas. I am having it now.

As most of you most likely have access to my facebook, i'm guessing pictures speak louder that whatever words i could put here. So yeah. Great Ocean road was awesome, and long trips on the roads always make me think, and ponder life's questions. Questions that are perhaps answered already before i ponder them. But i kinda like answering questions that i know the answer to, perhaps it feeds my ego in some wierd way, or perhaps rethinking the answers add things to the answers to make them more complete. Puffing billy too was great. And surfing was just sensational. But yeah. they were great fun, and as i said, made studying overseas worthwhile, but through this weekend, i do still have some questions..

Perhaps the most important is how i do not miss home, not so much anyway. I could lie and say i miss the food, the home and the lay of the land. But i don't. Sure i would fancy some bak kut teh or some kuay chap, but I'm cool with nando's, with sofia's with La porchetta's. Like i do not really need to go back for food. I miss my room, a little, but not that much, like i could remember the general layout and the colour of my room, but not the exact shade, it seems so faded in my mind, was the green really that faded, or is that just the sepia camera of my eyes? I am happy enough with a ceiling above me and a bed i could call my own here. A room of my own with perfect privacy and freedom within it, what more could i ask. I miss my friends, and that is perhaps something i miss the most. Chilling out doing nothing, Watching movies. It just seems different. But yeah, i seek solace in the fact that they would miss me the way i do. And i'm there in spirit. Like sometimes, i feel them with me, the way i speak, i act, the way i take some of your tricks and your fun and incorporate them into myself. The way sometimes how i look at myself and say, 'Damn Wong, that's damn Jon/Reub/Ran/Zhou'. But yeah, other than that, I would like to say i miss my parents alot, but fact is i don't. I do love them and i believe they do love me. Which is why i do not miss them, for i believe we are always in each other's hearts anyway. Its not how much we see each other, or how much we do, or how much we talk, its something deeper, something unfathomable. Something that i could not explain everytime i see everyone talking about how the home is missed. And fact is, I really love this place, the people, the culture, the music, the food, the school, the room, everything. Its great. It really is. And i almost feel i could live here.

Someone tell me why? I want to want to go back, but fact is, i don't feel as though i need to.

the hole in the wall.

It was a square. With lots of square in it. A grid made of metal, painted black. Something that i always stood at, with my hands hanging through two of the grids, when i am feeling ponderous and perhaps emo. A place that usually clears out my mind, providing solutions to looping questions.

It wasn't much of a view, a S bend winding through a narrow seperation of high-rise homes, which obstructs almost everything else. I could also see a bus stop though, and a multi-storied carpark. And just a little of a playground. And there wasn't much people, at least not in the dead nights where i looked out upon that empty street. And sometimes there are cars. Sometimes just that lone vehicle or two. And sometimes there's the moon, though not commonly so. And stars are even less incidental, perhaps just a couple on a good clear night.

But its not the view. Its not what i can see. Its the knowledge that its my view. Its a perspective that none shared. Not at detail anyway. Those nearby has close comparisons, but who could say that they see exactly the same things that i have? And its in that knowledge, and in that view that i seeked answers that was truly my own. Answers that came to me not from anyone else, perhaps not from heaven, yet quite surely not from hell. Perhaps it was, but that in itself, perhaps, is not for me to know. To others it probably ranks next better than staring into a blank wall. But yeah. to me, that was the greatest view in the world.

And here. 3776 miles away from home. I am missing that little opening of mine. And perhaps i am being a little like the frog in the well. But i dare say, that frog even when he's out of the well, will miss that small little piece of sky he was so familiar with for so long.

Feeling ponderous. But i am facing four white brick walls.

Its ironic. I used to be restricted in a room that represented freedom and i'm now in a room free to do whatever i want at whatever time i like that looks like a prison cell. Chew on that.

Wow. first proper post in so long.

till nxt time.

And I love you so,
The people ask me how,
How I've lived till now
I tell them I don't know

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been
But life began again
The day you took my hand

And yes I know how lonely life can be
Shadows follow me
The night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

And you love me too
Your thoughts are just for me
You set my spirit free
I'm happy that you do

The book of life is brief
Once the page is read
All but love is dead
This is my belief

Its time.

A month

And so. Not realising it as much as i would have liked to. A month has passed. And things have been going smoothly. Though i need to budget a little more carefully both financially and in time. But i'm having a great time and that's all that's needed right? A good time. Sure studies comes first, But i'm here for the experience. The taste of freedom.

But yeah. somethings you'll never be free from. Things like your ties back home. The lingering memories that in whatever you're doing, it could have been so much better had they been there.

Miss my home planet.

wkend gloom.

I was struggling. deciding whether to post this post or not. For the last post is but hours old and i kinda am proud of it. Of what i can come out in a short span of time with such limited resources. But its now thursday. and as i look ahead towards the wkend, a suddenly emptiness punched me right in my stomach.

For how many years. 8? 9 years? Friday night is movie night. Saturday is chillout day and football night. while sunday is sit-around-ban-mian-coffeeshop-deciding-what-to-do-next day. And we complaint about it all the time. About how we are always limited to watching movies, whether they are nice or not. Always hanging out at the same places, eating the same food, doing the same things. About how 'when you all want to wach 'Feng yun" i go with you, but when i want to play L4d2 you all all dun want to go', or 'anything lah, i anything also can' or 'I think i need to meet her after this for awhile but if you all doing anything later i should be able to join you all'. About watching the clone wars together, or playing winning eleven against each other.

It just ain't the same playing the guitar alone.
Or playing against the AI.

I miss the days of The bunny ate the penguin.

Of cells.

I hate cells, and whatever they contain, or whatever they make, and whichever part or body they're in, with whatever uses they have.

I'm hungry. Which makes my stomach growl, as the microvilli on the villi fail to get what they want. What spoilt brats are they. And those "rough" endoplasmic reticulum, seems not rough enough in their efforts to control to govern that uncalled for hunger now growing inside me, maybe a little speed in that production of those proteins will help? Sometimes having a long name doesn't mean everything. And Golgi, whoever he is, is a narcissistic guy who tries to name a important part of everyone's cells after himself. What a jerk. And why can't he choose a bigger part. Oh ya, that's right, they are all taken up by Mr. Hand and Mr. Feet. And don't go thinking you're so smooth, you smooth ER, it doesn't that just because you have a long and cool name and the fact that you make hormones and stuff that you're any more important than anything. 'Everyone belongs to everyone else', you can't do nothing without the central government chasing after you with his Military RNAs, Reservist RNAs and Temporary RNAs. The cell is a dictatorship remember, governed by a council of secretive DNAs grouping into secretive groups called Chromosomes, which are so twisted and turned in their organisation that you won't find where's the top and where's the bottom. Its a harsh new world. You see those Ribosomes everywhere, on those ER walls? Secret police is what they are. Constantly monitoring everything in the cell, and sending out proteins to tame any would be misfits. And do you think they are gonna miss you when you're gone? The ribosomes are just gonna replace you by asking the ER to make more of you.

The cell is a difficult place to live.

Rainbow connection

haha. just something to destress me a little. and a little something for my friends from khatib. haha. so. enjoy.

It begins now.

I am not really a believer of making new year resolutions right at the start of every year, 'cause we all know that no year starts on the 1st of January and none really ends on the stroke of midnight on 31st December. How could we know what we want to achieve when there isn't anything to be achieved? Which was why i left it till now to write my new year resolution. For finally there seems to be some direction, a general trend in the flow. A certain know what in this chaotic order.

Like finally i had my first real lectures in what has been a long long time (no. medic course doesn't count). And it was inspiring to say the least. To be among giants in education, I have not seen this day of which i was genuinely interested in what they had to say. Not in my wildest dreams, alright, maybe not wildest. that i felt that the day will come where my ideals are found to be shared not by one but by a thousand.

And so yeah. This year.

1. Stay healthy. and fit. and cool.
Its been a life long dream to be like the heroes i worship. Rocky. Green Lantern. all seem to have ripped bodies. but that is not my aim. My aim is just to be fitter than i ever was. My peak is coming, i can feel it. And i need to reach that peak.

2. Further hone my guitar skills.
After walking down the streets of melbourne and looking at the buskers and the street performances, i suddenly feel vastly inadequate and seriously need to improve further before making a name as a street artist. haha.

3. Find my footing.
There has been so many false dawns of being independent. They said JC was the start of independence. And then told me that the army makes you a independent man. But it is living alone now, facing four walls that echo my every word, that makes me feel truly free. Free from the restrictions set on me by others. And its in this freedom that i must find my footing. To answer my responsibilities and stand tall. This is the start.

I would have written many more things down. Like getting certain grades or hitting certain quotas. But no. They are not my resolutions. those are mere targets, roadside postboxes for me to smash on my way down my highway. But yeah. the goals have been set. Now. To infinity and beyond?


This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

And tomorrow it begins. With a flurry of unfamiliar notes amongst a multitude of unfamiliar faces in a land unfamiliar. Its been two years since i've studied, and part of me wonders if i could still do it like i did 2 long years ago. Things have changed.

Well. Guess what. I'm here. In Melbourne. City of 10 dollar meals.

Things have been busy. though good. Food is aplenty. Though expensive. Through all the noise however, it feels silent. Silence, within the four white walls that surround me. Reveberating with my every sound and every move. Silence, in the absence of the gang. The bunny ate the penguin. Vortex. Movies.

I don't miss home. I miss family.

Enough.

And enough.

After posts of emo and despair, of faraway lands and exiles. Its finally time to focus on the good side of stuff. Tomorrow, i will step on what will be the adventure of a lifetime. Though i am not heading for the land down under yet, daybreak tomorrow will see me pay one last visit to my ancestral home. Where certainly, i will get one last blessing from the elders before heading for my destiny. And thus tomorrow will be the day. the day the adventure starts. Armed with a jacket bought by my friends on my first venture outwards, and a blanket woven by the cloth of a thousand families. I am ready.

Ready to face dragons, or monsters, wherever they may be. Whatever their breath may consist of, whenever they may come. Ready too, to face loneliness, in the knowledge that i shall always have friends back home. That my family shall always be ready to welcome me back with open arms. Ready, to take my chance at glory. This broadway through the garden of destiny. This tunnel, with the end still out of sight.

I am ready.

Am I?

Yes. I am.

And come monday night. perhaps those that have rode with me for the past 8 years and counting, shall meet me again. And there we shall not bid ourselves goodbye, but we'll toast the past and drink for the future*. For this is not the end of our journey, for though our paths may part here, one day, the path shall meet again, and the time that the paths meet, it isn't out of sight is it? For when the tree turn its branches, and the wind blows north-easternly again. I shall return. And then we shall sit down once more and tell of tales of the year past. And ride together again, we shall.

Prepare the horses.

Till next time.

Day one.

Well. Well. Well.

The caravan arranged its procession of camels, as the men readied themselves for one more trip. Supplies were heaped onto the backs of the camels as the men sat in the nearby shade, drawing patterns in the sand, telling of could be attacks, and would be ambushes, each men forming a picture in their mind as they prepared themselves for the long journey ahead.

The king sat alone in his camel-top throne, thinking not of survival, for those are for the minds of the warriors, and others are hired in this instance to do that for him. He thought not of the path ahead, for his wise minister has already had that mapped out a thousand times, and shown him a thousand times, that even the minister, he thought to himself, must have been sick of it. His thoughts were instead on things unrelated, of perhaps little importance. Like how he likes lamb, he would think, perhaps its taste, or perhaps its texture. Little did he know that lamb in fact appealed to a primal instinct of him, that forgotten history as part of a hunting tribe. That every time he chewed on that meat brought him a little piece of the fire his ancestors sat around beneath the stars, chewing raucously as each of them tasted the glory of the hunt, the esctacy of the kill.

And perhaps of what will happen to the little boy he saw as the procession passed by the town for perhaps the last time in a long while. Will he grow in my absence? Or does he know me at all? Would i have made a difference if i need not leave, will it make a difference now that i do.

And of the tree, will it bear fruit while i am absent, or will it wilt and die, or be cut off? you can never know with the number of lumberjacks around nowadays.

And then he shifts his thought forward, he thought. How would the new place be, will there be sunshine, day after day? or will deer and the antelopes play?

"Its time to go, my master", The caravan guide said.

And perhaps it is, thought the young king. He turned back once more, on the city of glass that was once his. The streets were normal. Man, women and child are carrying on as though nothing ever happened. And maybe nothing did.

He turned around and signalled to move.

So begins the first day of the exile.

Its been long since i added any thing to my story that was due last year. But yeah. hopefully one day when i finally write that story, this excerpt finds its way into it too.

putting my iTunes on shuffle

[1.49pm] "me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood'

Its been a fun night with the guys, chilling out with the alcohol and the games. Waking up with a blocked nose and a more than tired mind, it would serve me much better to catch more sleep. Lost, however, will the thoughts be, if i do not write them down now.

[1.53pm] shuffle forward 5 times, "what is to be must be."

Its hard to write though, for as i have written before, the feeling is still kinda difficult to fathom. Its not the end you see, Its a beginning of another life. A double life perhaps. One where things will be really different. I mean, there are people i will meet for everyday of my life in my close future now. But it would be hard not meeting these people i have met weekly for the past 8 years of my life.

[2.04pm] Lunch. "and the water rolls down the drain."

Things will change. Drinking perhaps will lose its fun. And so may football. And perhaps it may not. but change is the only constant isn't it? I'm sure i wouldn't find another striker who would want to dribble past the whole opponent team, who remembers everyone he played against, who would want to go back to people of ancient times to bamboozle them with his fantastic football skills.

[2.11pm] "human nature took the best of me."

Or drink with a person who would not stop once alcohol touches his lips. Who finishes a cup of vodka as quickly as though it was nothing but plain water. Or with another who likes to drink but falls near unconcious after a few beers. Or play board games with the like, with someone who'd declare the game a bore after a round or two. who'd whip out a iphone to access facebook when everyone else is engaged in conversation.

[2.18pm] "open up my eager eyes"

Or befriending an Opera singer. who's also a lawyer. Or having a friend who comes over even in sickness, even when he's just booked out.

[2.21pm] 'and while i'm away'

I have always wanted to think of myself as a global citizen, whose roots are entrenched not in soil but in the water or air, floating about, able to uproot and replant myself whenever i require. After all, I've moved more than once. More than most people i'd presume. Crossing the straits multiple times when i am but years old. But truth is, staying too long here has grown me roots, perhaps a good thing, perhaps a bad. But these roots will hopefully stay. For to cut these roots now will cause unbearable pain to me.

[2.26pm] 'up up down down, left right left right B A start, just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart'

But it would a year again at least for us to gather round a table again. For perhaps a meal or a drink. Things i would very much like to do after this year passes.

[2.30pm] 'know your name, and go your own way'

And sometimes i want to be a Jedi, one who could tap into the wisdom of the force, to perhaps understand this need to depart better, or just to cope with doing so better. Which is not to say i do not know why i am doing all this for. Why am i spending half a million for. I hate growing. It brings along responsibilities and troubles, and worries about the future.

[2.38pm] forward 11 songs. 'Don't you worry, sometimes you just have to let it ride'

And perhaps sometimes you do. And perhaps things will be better than i fear it would be. Or perhaps the change will be less drastic than i am afraid it would be.

[2.41pm] 'There's a long black cloud following me'

Hopefully when i pass through the gates again soon, i would be sad.

Till next time.

And once again the time has come. Not for goodbyes. but for gatherings. Its perhaps interesting that somehow the time of when you get to meet the most people is the time you are to say the most goodbyes. Friends that you have not met for perhaps the best part of a decade. Friends you say 'meet up soon' to, but nonetheless friends.

The time is not up for farewells yet. that will follow soon after. But for now. lets meet.

till next time.

"looks like the sun is finally falling on me now, i wonder. will i dream", Mitch Connor, Cartman's hand.

February gloom.

I very much liked to write something today. Something that perhaps express how i feel about time or the lack thereof. Perhaps some lyrics of some song. Or a quote from somewhere.

Why does it always happen in febuary. Last time i had to leave, a long 4 years ago, it was also a Febuary. And i read through the posts i had then, to try get a grasp of why am i feeling unfeeling right now, why i am ready, yet unprepared. Hopeful, yet uneager. And i found little. The faces were unchanged, those at the dinner then was and will be with me till i board the plane, and even then, remain. The places are still there, the fields and the houses.

And after much pondering, wondering i still am of the changes and nots.

I striked it all outnot because i think i've found the answer. But i believe that it all is irrelevant now.

That all will be obvious when everything's done.

I hate Februaries.

Till next time.

things.

There are some things you can only ever do with some people in your life. Like wandering around the night safari howling with the wolves. Or the constant making fun of each other, and each other's friends and what nots.

There are things i will miss in 2 weeks.

Find the time,

we make lists, we make plans
to write books, to form bands
or to move to kreuzburg
and escape into the night.

It sucks when you are preparing for something you don't want to prepare for. Not that you don't want that something. Just that preparing for it makes you feel real bad bout everything and anything. damn it.

'I'm wide, I'm wide awake at night. my minds preoccupied. And the silence won't reside.'

What do you do when you know there isn't much time left, like perhaps a death criminal facing the rope, No. Its not certain death i am facing. Or a patient in a hospice. But i do not have a estimate, i have an exact date. So more of a gladiator then, preparing for a fight that will perhaps scar me for life, or bring eternal glory. Or perhaps its just another day in the ring.

But like perhaps at every important crossroad of my life, time starts moving backwards. Not unlike a movie reel set on reverse. Like a boxer watching his past fights in black and white, moving with his past self, dodging blows and punching into air. And perhaps he will enjoy it like i do, seeing it on playback, smiling at that punch he misread "ooh, that one hurted real bad", and chuckling at that 'good ol' one-two' sayin "it was nothin' man, nothin".

And damn the feel is gone. again. haha.

till next time when it returns.

Turning the page.

'Its not about starting afresh,
Its about leaving this one behind'
Not a quote from somewhere, or some lyrics that describe exactly how i feel about the upcoming 'adventure', if i may. But something i told a friend, bout how this is for me right now. And with the momentum increasing exponentially and the clouds gathering, one can hardly help but feel that the storm is coming. Perhaps over myself only.

And maybe it will be. Maybe the clouds will gather over me and cry me a river, and as i move away from one home to another, perhaps it will follow me. Leaving the world i left behind in perfect harmony, and perhaps a rainbow with it. And maybe the skies will be dark ahead. But that is not my main concern.

Its time for farewells again. And i know myself. I am never good at that and perhaps never will be. Not to friends, or to enemies, or to people more than friends, to mere aquaintances and friends that has perhaps been forgotten. Not when i am conscious of it or otherwise, not when its my choice and not when it isn't. And perhaps when the dust has settled all normality will resume but as of now, again, the clouds are but gathering. still plenty of time till the dust settles.

And will i forget. perhaps after even just only 6 mths. The times i had here. Will the great parasite of forgetfullness implant itself in the cerebral complexes of my memory and slowly extract strands of silver memory from my mind. Or will they turn sepia, erasing the little details of it all, beautifying? blurring? polishing? dimming?

And if i do not forget. Will we change, positively. For change is imminent, and it will be foolish not to expect so and not to hope so. But will it be better, or will life as i know it be over. Will I, finally, perhaps, 'grow up', or will all of the others do so? Will my wolf pack move back to one or will it fill the world wide.

Uncertainties.
Something that i hate to be not in control of. I mean i like the probabilities of a game of poker or a spin of the wheel. Something i am in control of. Something where i can say "woah, That's it, i am not putting one more cent in". I am a man of conflicting ideals, which alot of people remind me i am, which i am not denying i am. A man conflicted in dreams and ideas, whose start of the sentence contradicts the end. But it is this exact thing that i both love and fear about myself. I love liking both freedom and communism. Both dictators and free men. I love not killing animals by my own hands even though i consume meat by the ton. I love going all in with a 2-7 off suit and folding with a A-K suited. sometimes anyway. And i like to be in control always. Though i enjoy the losing of such from time to time. Which leads me back to..

And i am indeed emo right now. And perhaps rightly so. And sometimes i like to be so. It does free my mind from clutters and make the words in my head coherent. And now that mood is vanishing faster than i ask for, there is hardly more i could add in my current mood. So yeah for now.

Its Till next time.