The Values of Confidentiality

Because, it's a bitch to have words spoken of you. Truth, untruths or the grey area in between, when you keep the same words secret. To have held everything in to protect a friend, only to realise that these words didn't perhaps warrant much protection at all. To have tried to maintain justice, and to keep my silence, to not skew the story in my favour, only to realise, it doesn't matter even if i tried.

'IF you can keep your head when all about you 
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise'

Subtlety obviously isn't my strong suit. 

I didn't lose. not by much anyway. But having had my mistakes pointed out. It does make me think a little about my game, my plays, my bluffs and my body language and how bad i am at them. Especially under the influence of a little alcohol.

Many a times i have hoped life to be a little more like poker. To have a set of rules of engagement, to raise when you are confident of winning. And to fold when you know you are beat. A book somewhere that you can read about all these rules, and its variations in play and how to perfect your game. Then today i realised, i don't know the game i thought i knew. And maybe that's why life isn't that different from poker really. The rules are there, but they are more than elastic. And there are people who'd tell you what to do, and people who'd call your bluff, and people who'd fold under pressure, and there are the people who'd tell you how to improve by pointing out your mistakes and the obviousness of your play. And hopefully it's here i improve. I didn't lose. but it counts as a loss in my book.

Maybe I'm just a little autistic.

The good:
Improvement in timing of bluffs
Improving play with weaker hands

The bad:
Obvious body language and tics
Could not resist showing a winning bluff
Bluffing too much
playing loose from a winning position
drinking beer while playing poker

To be improved further:
positional play. Pre-flop and post-flop

Its been a long day. but somehow this bad plays are troubling my sleep.

bad beats

I am thankful for this place. For once in awhile, there are things that i want to say that are perhaps a little longer than 140 characters, yet a little more private than Facebook. Just ended a poker session, that perhaps just mirrored my life a bit too much, which of course pointed me to the bottle and since I'm missing a person to talk to, I ended up here.

A couple of bad beats again. And it's always the same pattern, one card that completes both our hands, but somehow mine is just a tad smaller. Big enough for me to bet on, yet small enough for me to lose.

And we soldier on. On this lonely night. Hoping someday somewhere, someone knows. 

And it seems finally, with the conclusion of the APMSS, that my holiday is finally at an end. It has been a great holiday, travelling, helping, getting inspired again. And with that realisation that the holiday is ending, there comes the usual dose of sadness and helplessness of starting yet another semester away from home.

But this year, I'm gonna try to focus on the good things, on the good times that have passed, and on the good times that will be. Its a conscious decision, i think, to not fall once again into that hell hole that was 2012. After all, i think I have found again some of the reasons for why i wanted to do medicine in the first place.

There's a story somewhere about the pictures and how i can't remember the names of the people in them, and how perhaps i'd never see them again even though i hope to. So, Hi, my friends in pictures that you prolly dont remember being in, Thanks for the pictures, and thanks for the memories. I do not expect you to remember my name, nor me in the future, but i do hope our futures cross again, however impossible it may be. Cheers. 

New Years

This year is different. I think it is.

You know how there's always a year hangover, where you still sign off dates in the previous year well into January or even February of the new year? That doesn't seem to be the case this year. In fact, I've been looking forward to 2013 for about a couple of months now. Never have i yearned the change of the year that much.

2012 has not been good. But why harp on the bad times. 2013! Get your Hopes and Aspirations here on 2013! The year which promises to be better than the last! 2013!

2013 started on a purple note though.

To everyone out there. Happy New Year. And may you be as hopeful about 2013 as I am.

"But just in case I stand one little chance, 
Here's the jackpot question in advance.
What are you doing on New Year's, 
New Year's eve?"