It may be chemical. Codeine mixed with eucalyptus and a little dequalinium chloride may cause this constricting, strangling feel.

And perhaps Dietary. An increase in watery meals, coupled with a huge hike in vegetable consumption and a huge decrease in meat intake, Not forgetting a 10-fold rise in water intake, may have caused this wierd feeling in my stomach.

Or it may be physiological. A lack of exercise added to an increase amount of computer radiation towards a hurting shoulder and infected chest may be the reason to this rising irritation within me.

And it might to be psychological. A sleepless night that came with old nightmares, and a lack of proper things to think about, unaided by the needless tasks perhaps given by myself, may have been the cause behind my numbing headache.

This sucks.

Of Mice and Men

I killed a rat. No. Worse. I did mortal damage to it. Dealt it a slow painful death. I panicked seeing the rat and kicked a door which it was behind. And it was killed. And am i not supposed to feel bad? Some call the rat a pest. A vermin. Something that the world shall not miss. Something i should perhaps not feel bad about.

But i do. terribly. Like Atheist to Religious terribly. I have no idea why i turned to scriptures all of a sudden but yeah, it just felt like the right thing to do then. I can't even totally believe in heaven and co. but somehow i just felt from that moment until now that, heaven is definitely in existence. Nirvana is definitely in existence. Karma. Buddha. Jesus. Allah. Odin. Thor. Achilles. Hector. Loki. Lao Tze. Seeing the rat suffer was just too much for my mortal mind. Knowing that i caused it was even harder to bear.

Mankind does these things too much for us to feel anything. We are dulled not by the killing of animals but by the killing of man himself. The Wars on terror. Terrorism. Homicide. The Death Penalty. So much that the animals become insignificant. Why argue on whether the cow should be killed when we need to make a decision on whether to pull the troops from Iraq. Who cares about the killing of young foals and calves when swine flu is going around.

I mean. I am no vegan. I love steaks and have a fetish for leather. But somehow when i eat my lamb chops or don my leather jacket, those thoughts of death and brutality doesn't come to my mind. Its an intricate ability we were granted at creation. The ability to be unfeeling and indifferent to all those that are not directly in connection to us. The ability to use a piece of foie gras to outweigh to pain dealt to a lower lifeform, a 'souless' shell for some, less important to others. To place the owning of a leopard fur scarf as having more importance than the life of an endangered species. The ability to think of ourselves as 'creatures capable of higher thought and understanding', as a class of our own when the Linnaean classification place us under the same genus as the common chimp. And i'm guilty as charged. And there's no way about it. No excuses for the horrors mankind has done but selfishness and arrogance. And some would say we have earned it. Our society they will say, look at the skyscapers, the great wall, have we not earned the right to rule? Are we not superior? Yet Man did not survive atlantis, fishes did. Man did not survive Hiroshima, cockroaches did. Eruptions, Tsunamis, Earthquakes. Gods did not choose man to run the programme to find the ultimate question to life, the universe and everything, they picked the mice.*

And the best thing? Man is determined. A strong race destined to suceed. By tomorrow i would have forgotten all about the above. Save maybe a little tinge of guilt and sadness. But even that will disappear with a bite of colonel's best chicken or when i see a new pair of tigers. Or when a group of ants decide to feast on a sandwich left in my bag, or a cockroach deciding to take up residence in my room.

And so before i forget. Before all this goes away. Let me ask for forgiveness. And say a little prayer.

Sorry.

Till next time.

*even in this depressed state i couldn't resist a small reference to The hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.Pardon me.

Change

Change. seems to have an intense dislike of me. Either that or our schedules just do not complement each other. I mean, everytime changes happen, I am somehow not around,Half a day away, or half a planet away. And these changes are never nice. They come in when i'm not around, wreck havoc and threaten to turn my world around, then leaves, a little like a thief if you like.

But you know what. I can't care less bout these changes now. For i am waiting for the big one. The earthshaking change that will happen in slightly more than a month's time.

And maybe i would not be this excited when the day comes. Maybe i would be sad. But i can for one tell you that i am pleased that this will be over and done with soon. This is it.

3 days this week. looking forward to wednesday.

West ham trailing as i typing. A comeback? hopefully.

Beatles In Five years time.

Oh well in five years time we could be walking round a zoo
With the sun shining down over me and you
And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
And I’ll put my hands over your eyes, but you’ll peep through

And there’ll be sun sun sun
All over our bodies
And sun sun sun
All down our necks (?)
And sun sun sun
All over our faces
And sun sun sun

So what the heck

Cos I’ll be laughing at all your silly little jokes
And we’ll be laughing about how we used to smoke
All those stupid little cigarettes
And drink stupid wine
Cos it’s what we needed to have a good time

And it was fun fun fun
When we were drinking
It was fun fun fun
When we were drunk
And it was fun fun fun
When we were laughing
It was fun fun fun
Oh it was fun

Alright. Its been a day of boredom and just woke up from a short nap with a raging headache which feels like a hangover when i haven't even been drinking. Its like this is probably a literal brain storm. It seems as though my mind is replicating the weather outside right in the very compounds of my skull.

But it just felt like a day that i had to write something. anything. Perhaps just post some lyrics, which by the way is a pretty quirky yet cool song by Mr. Reuben James, Hector, Last son of Troy. In five years time i'll not be in singapore barring a very odd turn of events.

Met Neil Gaiman over the wkend while he was in Singapore. And needless to be told. He was cool. awesomely cool. Like totally unlike someone's who's approaching 50. But somehow when i meet someone like him, someone who i have immense respect or liking for, it just feels odd. Like Suddenly it doesn't feel that magical anymore. But nonetheless, it was awesome to be able to hear him talk and yeah, feel artsy or something for once. And yeah. Thanks for queuing for me twice.

Camp feels like an airport transit now.

And Beatles are awesome. They are like the pinnacle of Sex, Drugs and Rock&Roll. I mean, listen to I am a Walrus and Happiness is A Warm Gun, 2 awesome song that kept me company right now.

And before the dragon* trapped in my brain forces and escape. I shall go and reinforce the prison by sleeping.


*dragon here does not refer to me taking any form of narcotics except for perhaps a Flu Vaccine Jab taken 5 hours ago.

Till Next time.

There's something different about booking in this time. Perhaps its because of the long absence or other unfathomable reasons, I am actually not having the blues.. haha.

this week is gonna be awesome.

38 now.

apologies

Alright this must be how scrooge feels like the night after christmas eve.

Sometimes all it takes is a simple apology. For something you have done perhaps lifetimes ago but was too caught up in the times then to even stop and consider it. For things you were perhaps too young to notice and too stupid to understand and having an ego that covers the world does not aid in anyway at all.

And all you need to is believe.

"Only the gods are real."-Neil Gaiman.

ok this stinks. West ham drew a match they should have won (again) and i just lost my keys for the first time in about 6 years. bravo.

In the beginning. It was simple. United we stand, divided we fall was the rule of the book. And so someone said, stop the divisive speech, stop those hateful ideas. And people rallied around him, increasing in numbers as days past. And they asked,' how are we to ensure that we stay united, who will do the policing?' And so it began. The establishment of police started.

Alright. I couldn't start it from the start. So i'll try to trace back from the end. The end was 1984, the days of big brother. The days of TV screens that looked at you as much as you looked at them. They didn't have that before. Before that all they had was civilian policing, not dis-similar to the ancient 'have you seen this man' posters one might find in the wild west, pictures was posted on the net, on TVs, newspapers, on any form of media imaginable. And the system said, 'Help the society and your loved ones, report any crime now.' And Any meant any. Including your mum queuing in the expresslane with 1 more than 10 items. Including your baby sister innocently tresspassing on the grass of a neighbour. Including having a gay friend. Eyes turned into cameras and ears into listening posts. Technology was obsolete. Who needs a camera when you have eyes on your side, a thousand megapixels better than cameras. And the system then decided that what if you yourself was committing a crime, perhaps having a sexual thought about the 10 girls on tv simultaneously, surely that is 'intent' for 'deviant sexual habits'. And thus the screens were installed.

And before civilian policing there too was cameras. In 'public' places as it was called then, to defer would be criminals and help capture escaping convicts. The system said it worked and they wanted to step up a notch, for 'there can never be too little crime'. And then before that there was censorship, the banning of things the system feel inappropriate and dangerous towards the moral fibers of society. The majority agreed. Most believed that sun revolved around the earth. Most thought that men were made out of clay, while most also believed that men were the result of a single couple. Most also thought that the system was perfect. Thus books that 'most' do not agree to are burned, those who are not the 'most' are burned at the stake, not before making sure they know why are they wrong. And before most, there was the beginning.

-Inspired by 1984 and a little reading here and there. The above writings are purely fictional and is not a reference to any phenomenon or person dead or alive. Please, i am part of the majority.



And a single unrelated link.
Com'on. its on wiki.

Day 1

Checked out several shops and ended up buying something that is totally unrelated. Experience meant that i looked it up online in case same thing happens again.

Moving of furniture starts tomorrow.

of numbers

hello. yes. i'm back from land of non-alcoholic beer and pubs selling blueberry syrup also known as Brunei Darrusallam. Unlike previous trips, i do not have any pictures this time, forgot the camera amongst the million stuff i brought there. But Brunei was ok. not awesome. slightly worst than expected. especially the ppl there. but yeah. who cares? I'm done with going overseas and into forests with the organisation. almost done anyway.

And its 49 days. to what i would have once called freedom and what my parents call unemployment in this great snakes and ladders game of life. And as i approach it, and as life gets better, the feeling gets wierder. Like, i am not so sure i can call it freedom anymore cos it isn't. I mean, there's still lots after the organisation, responsibilities, authority things like that. And perhaps i never will be totally free. But yeah. the end of these 49 days is still a day i look forward to day and night and every half a minute in between them.

and talking bout number of days and milestones and such. Just watched 500days of summer with Reubs, Joko and Jon. While i wouldn't deny that its a great show. unorthodox, but nonetheless a good movie. I found it too close to heart to be comfortable with. and so too do Jon. You know months back i wrote something bout the so called myth of uniquity, bout how our lives cease to be unique at some point, bout how sometimes you see a movie or hear a song that you say 'damn, that's my story' and that suddenly you see all around you that everyone's having the same feeling? This is one of those movie. especially to me and perhaps Jon. You know how sometimes this kinda stuff evoke memories, and perhaps feelings long gone? feelings of frustration and anger, of denial and angst. And when you hope the protagonist does the thing you always wanted to do, perhaps at that moment where the lives collide, that guy in the movie just does what you actually did, like walk away and say, 'Hey, all the best, i wish you well' or something like that instead of pushing her off the cliff or taking out a pistol and say 'hasta la vista, baby' or something. Or perhaps slapping the girl or something when told of the news instead of going to a bed to languish for days.

That's why i like south park. That's why i like traditional alpha-male action movies like the old james bonds and taken and stuff like that. That guy in there is just so unlike us. We know we can never be him, and we don't want to. But sometimes we just want that escape. that moment of madness to be shown on a big screen with good sound system.

But yes. In case anyone's wondering, i'm fine. Just thought that the above was something i held to myself for too long now and that now that it does not play any significant role anywhere, like world war I espionage reports or something, perhaps it can finally be written.

but nonetheless, a toast to all the Toms in the world to find Autumn.

and Jon, your toast will come tomorrow. my place.