of old things.

So its that time again.That time of year, where i get consumed with thoughts and reflections about the year past and the year's that's coming. Of struggles that I perhaps had, and those that would perhaps face soon. Its the time of the year that i try to think of a word or a phrase or a line from somewhere to in a way catalogue the year that has been. And yup. So here am I, lying semi-supine in my bed, trying to sort the random jumble of words in my brain into coherent sentences that perhaps i could understand.

So. here goes?

You know how they say that you wouldn't know how much you need/like/love something until you lost it. Well, in a way, this year is kinda summed up by that. I remember the initial doubt of facing melbourne. The fear and, alright, perhaps not so much of the fear, i remember looking forward to melbourne actually. It kinda felt like a new adventure. Which on hindsight, it is. And yeah, going there however, meant that i had to make sacrifices. I spent a year away from my family and friends. The simple pleasures of watching breakfast shows on TV in chinese, or not doing your own laundry was sorely missed. Things, i perhaps would not even think about if i had continued staying here. And food, oh how i missed the food. The simple things like beef noodles, or fried carrot cake. Oh how i missed them. But yep, it has been a great year and It would be unfair of me to dwell on the stuff that i missed while I'm there. For I had a great time there, learning about things i truly want to learn about, and learning to live independently, or as my parents constantly remind me, pseudo-independently. But I've learnt a great deal in the process, not things like how to cook or how to do my own laundry, or financial planning or things like that. I've learnt things I did not know about myself, and rediscovered some things. And perhaps, the new 'me' i found and believe in may be just a passing phrase and may be unrecognisable say 5 years from now. Its great to finally feel as though i know myself.

And now I'm back, I've realised just how much freedom I have had there and how much i sorely missed it. How i missed the late nights and the guiltless beers. The just sitting around in my room doing nothing kinda feeling. Being able to eat out whenever i want to, and at whatever time i want to. Oh How i missed that. I missed the slower pace of life of melbourne, I miss feeling not everything is about money, and that there are much more things than that. I miss holding my guitar in my hands and singing to myself, telling myself 'No woman, No cry' or 'Let it be'. I still do that here in singapore of course. But it just feels different facing four empty walls and sorta hoping someone out there could and would hear you.

It would be great, if i could combine just the good parts of both places and yeah, live it as one. But it would apparently seem that that is unattainable, at least not so in the near future, or for most parts of the foreseeable one. And so until perhaps that is a real option, it ain't bad having it in the ratio i have it now eh, 9 mths of freedom, 3 mths of fun.

I'm turning 21 in a week.

It seems just yesterday i was turning 18, 19, 20 and now today.

Was just reading past entries around my birthday, and it sure did bring a chuckle to my mouth as i look through the past. After all, it was the same guy who declared himself independent as a marquisdom, the same guy who insisted in writing an edict to his 'people' every birthday. What great times eh?

21? Bring on the key, bring on freedom, bring on adulthood.

I'm waiting on you with open arms. I really am. I've built my castle, and my armour, I've polished my sword, my shield and my gauntlets. Now bring on the dragons, and the princesses. I'm ready.

Of boredom

And so here I am. lying in bed, tired, but sleepless..

I always wanted such a period, a time for nothingness and perhaps a little quiet. But it seems oddly overwhelming, the idea of not having anything to do, or any place to be.

I can't wait for my brothers to be done with their exams. And hopefully end my boredom with such.

'and if make the plans, can we just not find the time'

Its been a long long time since I'm home. A long long time. And it feels really good to be back. True, things may not be always be smooth back here. True, that i feel sometimes caged, and sometimes frustrated.

Its good to be home.

The year.

And it all cumulated to tonight. A journey that was not exactly smooth sailing but yet far from any sign of rough waters. And so it ends, 10 mths in foreign soil, doing something I want to do in a place I want to be.

First year of med school has been a great, if slightly steep learning curve. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something I am not traditionally good at. No more could i rely on the logic of maths or the law of physics. But its been great, learning about parts of my body. Muscles, I didn't know existed, Bones, I didn't know had a name.

But its what I've accomplished outside the curriculum that is perhaps worth celebrating. I've survived almost a whole year independently. I've made great friends, both in and outside the course. I've been places, had great adventures, tasted heavenly food, and hellish stuff too. I've climbed mountains and crossed seas. Braved the wind, the rain and the hailstorm of the weather that is melbourne. I stayed sober, but I got drunk. I had my fill, my fair share of losing.

Its been a great year. And I very much look forward to the next. and the one after. and then one after. and then those beyond.

I would have more to write. For its been a eventful year after all. But my brain is not functioning due to its withdrawal from caffeine, and also, its 3.15am now.

So. Till next time.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-Invictus

Tomorrow. Will start the conclusion to what has been at least a interesting first year. And i do hope i can do well. I once really believed in hope. I hope that hope doesn't abandon me now.

I do not know if i have did enough.
I hope i had.
I do not know if i know enough.
I hope i do.
I do not know if i'm in the right mind.
I hope i am.

Till next time.

Inspired

Alright. Its 4 minutes and and 2 and a half days to my exams. And i find myself here. slightly worried. A little stressed. And once again thinking why am i going through all this.

Its easy to see the practical reason. Get a job. Earn my pay. For that's what we need to continue to live eh? Stable job, stable pay. Pay off my parents. Bring up my children. Buy a car. and a plasma TV. and perhaps live well in a big house.

Its harder to see though, how am i trying to achieve my dreams. Its hard to see, how is being a doctor an alternative for someone who from young wanted to be a dragon slaying knight of an ancient chinese empire. Or a power ranger. Or a mutant. And I have to secretly admit. I have not given up on half of those dreams. Its easy to see the end. Where i want to be, standing amongst the savannah of africa, outside my medical tentage, watching the sun fall behind the great accacia trees, surrounded by a dozen people i just treated. Or in my clinic, closing up for the night, shelving up the files of the poor i just treated. Or taking off my blue ER PPT suit, smiling as i enjoy another 'one live saved' moment.

Many say its the journey that counts. Yet this journey is difficult and rough to say the least. And this time, i have much less to depend on. All along the way so far, the bicycle of childhood had the guide wheels firmly screwed on. For the first time, I am riding without the guide wheels. And for the first time, perhaps there's nth to catch me if i fall. And for the first time, i am out of my comfort zone of maths and physics. love them as i may. For the first time, my abilities to calculate my ways out of a situation is as good as knowing how to write english poems in ancient china.

There are many things i would like to tell myself 10 years from now. And perhaps 10 years from now, there will be many things i would like to tell myself too. But yes. I would know them. Wouldn't I?

In any case. That's something for another post sometime later.

Gimme a break

Got on board a westbound seven-forty-seven
Didn't think before deciding what to do
All that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before

It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Out of work, I'm out of my head
Out of self-respect, I'm out of bread
I'm under loved, I'm underfed
I wanna go home

It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it
Had offers but don't know which one to take
Please, don't tell them how you found me
Don't tell them how you found me, gimme a break, gimme a break

Seems it never rains in Southern California
Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California but, girl, don't they warn ya
It pours, man, it pours


Dang. I need a break man. I need to catch the North Bound Boeing triple seven. To home. To the red red wine and the green green grass of home.

Utter bullcrap

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/note.php?note_id=435703785332&id=838833331

This has recently came to circulate in facebook.
This is utter bullshit.

Its easy of course to say, Oh Education is a scam by the corporations to keep you under their hold. To keep you average. To make you a worker drone in the hive we call society. And coming from me, that's saying something. Sure, oh, Don't work, live free, do what you like. I happen to like to be a rockstar or a footballer. I also want to be a mutant and a superhero, a spy and a marine biologist. I have no idea why, but I have grown to hate writings like those. Things that try to sway opinions one way or another by saying things people want to hear. People want to hear things that tell them what they secretly think is true. They want you to tell them yes, life is short, you only live once, live it fun. Work is terrible. So is school.

Me? I am happy the way i am. I like studying, learning about stuff, as much as i dislike exams which are coming in a week. I want to be a great doctor and perhaps specialise in something i not sure of yet. I want to work, tiring as it will be, and it should be, and do things i may regret a little in the end. I want to feel tired, exhausted even. And then i plan, and i hope that i will live a good long life and then when i retire, i can get back to school to learn about philosophy or greek mythology or things like that.

Up yours.Adrian.

Till next time.

Y estare contigo cuando treste estas

I believed in that line once. but perhaps no more. but somehow. that line triggers something in me.

bloody hail.

The gambler

On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
so if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

When he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Great song by Kenny Rogers. great song.