I wanted to write a continuation to a story i once wrote. But someone changed my mood so i'm no longer able to continue writing that story now. But yes. I've more to say.

Something about how parents do not belong in facebook. Nor anyone who isn't actually a friend for that matter. Sure i know you guys care and want to be our friends, but truth is, you are already more than that (parents are, at least). You guys are people who we are already truthful to, and facebook, to a certain extent at least, is part of our social image we have to uphold, so we can't be your little boy or girl at home on there, or on our blogs, or whatever. Its the reason some of you are on limited profile (Yes, you are) and some of your comments are deleted. And one of the reasons i am not forthright in my writing, or why you are sometimes blocked on my msn. Yes, I'm sorry. But me outside, is just not the same as me at home. I know you will ask me, why so? why must you be not yourself outside. But i'm not, I'm both me at home and me outside. Its something we all are, We are not 2 dimensional, we have more facets than a diamond could ever have, and more sides than any polygon, and its this facets, and this angles that makes us reflect the brightest amongst all. This is us. I am more than that. Since young i have always craved freedom and privacy, perhaps as much as everyone else, perhaps more. But i know privacy comes with a price. The price of distance and the price of our relationships. Which is why i do not push for total freedom and privacy, for i will call that isolation. But yes, give me my cyber privacy, and my internet freedom. For you guys do not belong online, you guys are in my heart.

of emptiness

Alright. 2 months in, and finally a weekday away from the hustle and bustle of school life. And in this quiet i found instead of peace, a little irritation and a little annoyance. Something that bothers my mind to no end. Maybe i am sick, or maybe that's not the main reason. Maybe its because my world seems blurred today, without my specs (2 pairs of specs broke in 2 months here, not my fault). And maybe even, its because the sun is now setting a little after 6pm, disturbing my inner chakra or something like that, who knows.

School has now settled into a series of lectures and tutorials and running away from them, as i slowly machinate myself again as i slowly try to find ways to accomodate this machination. Like i want to enjoy studying, but my little friend called stress is not allowing that. Just when i thought i was going good at my own pace, little stress comes along knocking. And so the tussling and fighting begins again.

But then again, it may just be the specs. Like i don't feel right seeing things but not seeing them right. Like i am missing my eye of the tiger or something.

Its wierd, but its true, how life occurs in cyclical flows. Awesomeness days are often followed by days in the shithole. Like 2 weeks ago things will going rockingly, my toner still has ink, my guitar was restrung, itunes on shuffle were churning out good songs, and i was basically having the time of my life, and most importantly, i had my specs on or at least contacts on some days. Today, after accumulation of several days, I am 63 dollars poorer, my toner is out, my itunes tell me that there is gonna be 'heartache tonight' , and even soccer didn't feel right just now. And when soccer don't feel right, things ain't right.

Like you know, how sometimes you just feel souless, like, no, its not a sudden loss of sensation, more of a slow accumulation of everything that leaves you just tired, void of feelings, and just sitting around not thinking. Not unlike losing a love that you never had, or suddenly realising that the full moon wasn't actually full.

Today is a day i miss my friends.

Oh well. Time for Star Wars Ep 6. Lets let luke try to cheer me up.

till next time.

What a week. What a Easter.

There are things that makes studying overseas worthwhile, things that alleivate the pain of seperation, things that reliefs the constant thorn of homesickness, things that makes you believe that the choice has always been right. Not that i did not know that from the start. In fact i have always did, the choice was mine, wasn't it? It wasn't because of NUS, or their rejection, but for the will to have a great time overseas. I am having it now.

As most of you most likely have access to my facebook, i'm guessing pictures speak louder that whatever words i could put here. So yeah. Great Ocean road was awesome, and long trips on the roads always make me think, and ponder life's questions. Questions that are perhaps answered already before i ponder them. But i kinda like answering questions that i know the answer to, perhaps it feeds my ego in some wierd way, or perhaps rethinking the answers add things to the answers to make them more complete. Puffing billy too was great. And surfing was just sensational. But yeah. they were great fun, and as i said, made studying overseas worthwhile, but through this weekend, i do still have some questions..

Perhaps the most important is how i do not miss home, not so much anyway. I could lie and say i miss the food, the home and the lay of the land. But i don't. Sure i would fancy some bak kut teh or some kuay chap, but I'm cool with nando's, with sofia's with La porchetta's. Like i do not really need to go back for food. I miss my room, a little, but not that much, like i could remember the general layout and the colour of my room, but not the exact shade, it seems so faded in my mind, was the green really that faded, or is that just the sepia camera of my eyes? I am happy enough with a ceiling above me and a bed i could call my own here. A room of my own with perfect privacy and freedom within it, what more could i ask. I miss my friends, and that is perhaps something i miss the most. Chilling out doing nothing, Watching movies. It just seems different. But yeah, i seek solace in the fact that they would miss me the way i do. And i'm there in spirit. Like sometimes, i feel them with me, the way i speak, i act, the way i take some of your tricks and your fun and incorporate them into myself. The way sometimes how i look at myself and say, 'Damn Wong, that's damn Jon/Reub/Ran/Zhou'. But yeah, other than that, I would like to say i miss my parents alot, but fact is i don't. I do love them and i believe they do love me. Which is why i do not miss them, for i believe we are always in each other's hearts anyway. Its not how much we see each other, or how much we do, or how much we talk, its something deeper, something unfathomable. Something that i could not explain everytime i see everyone talking about how the home is missed. And fact is, I really love this place, the people, the culture, the music, the food, the school, the room, everything. Its great. It really is. And i almost feel i could live here.

Someone tell me why? I want to want to go back, but fact is, i don't feel as though i need to.

the hole in the wall.

It was a square. With lots of square in it. A grid made of metal, painted black. Something that i always stood at, with my hands hanging through two of the grids, when i am feeling ponderous and perhaps emo. A place that usually clears out my mind, providing solutions to looping questions.

It wasn't much of a view, a S bend winding through a narrow seperation of high-rise homes, which obstructs almost everything else. I could also see a bus stop though, and a multi-storied carpark. And just a little of a playground. And there wasn't much people, at least not in the dead nights where i looked out upon that empty street. And sometimes there are cars. Sometimes just that lone vehicle or two. And sometimes there's the moon, though not commonly so. And stars are even less incidental, perhaps just a couple on a good clear night.

But its not the view. Its not what i can see. Its the knowledge that its my view. Its a perspective that none shared. Not at detail anyway. Those nearby has close comparisons, but who could say that they see exactly the same things that i have? And its in that knowledge, and in that view that i seeked answers that was truly my own. Answers that came to me not from anyone else, perhaps not from heaven, yet quite surely not from hell. Perhaps it was, but that in itself, perhaps, is not for me to know. To others it probably ranks next better than staring into a blank wall. But yeah. to me, that was the greatest view in the world.

And here. 3776 miles away from home. I am missing that little opening of mine. And perhaps i am being a little like the frog in the well. But i dare say, that frog even when he's out of the well, will miss that small little piece of sky he was so familiar with for so long.

Feeling ponderous. But i am facing four white brick walls.

Its ironic. I used to be restricted in a room that represented freedom and i'm now in a room free to do whatever i want at whatever time i like that looks like a prison cell. Chew on that.

Wow. first proper post in so long.

till nxt time.

And I love you so,
The people ask me how,
How I've lived till now
I tell them I don't know

I guess they understand
How lonely life has been
But life began again
The day you took my hand

And yes I know how lonely life can be
Shadows follow me
The night won't set me free
But I don't let the evening get me down
Now that you're around me

And you love me too
Your thoughts are just for me
You set my spirit free
I'm happy that you do

The book of life is brief
Once the page is read
All but love is dead
This is my belief

Its time.

A month

And so. Not realising it as much as i would have liked to. A month has passed. And things have been going smoothly. Though i need to budget a little more carefully both financially and in time. But i'm having a great time and that's all that's needed right? A good time. Sure studies comes first, But i'm here for the experience. The taste of freedom.

But yeah. somethings you'll never be free from. Things like your ties back home. The lingering memories that in whatever you're doing, it could have been so much better had they been there.

Miss my home planet.

wkend gloom.

I was struggling. deciding whether to post this post or not. For the last post is but hours old and i kinda am proud of it. Of what i can come out in a short span of time with such limited resources. But its now thursday. and as i look ahead towards the wkend, a suddenly emptiness punched me right in my stomach.

For how many years. 8? 9 years? Friday night is movie night. Saturday is chillout day and football night. while sunday is sit-around-ban-mian-coffeeshop-deciding-what-to-do-next day. And we complaint about it all the time. About how we are always limited to watching movies, whether they are nice or not. Always hanging out at the same places, eating the same food, doing the same things. About how 'when you all want to wach 'Feng yun" i go with you, but when i want to play L4d2 you all all dun want to go', or 'anything lah, i anything also can' or 'I think i need to meet her after this for awhile but if you all doing anything later i should be able to join you all'. About watching the clone wars together, or playing winning eleven against each other.

It just ain't the same playing the guitar alone.
Or playing against the AI.

I miss the days of The bunny ate the penguin.

Of cells.

I hate cells, and whatever they contain, or whatever they make, and whichever part or body they're in, with whatever uses they have.

I'm hungry. Which makes my stomach growl, as the microvilli on the villi fail to get what they want. What spoilt brats are they. And those "rough" endoplasmic reticulum, seems not rough enough in their efforts to control to govern that uncalled for hunger now growing inside me, maybe a little speed in that production of those proteins will help? Sometimes having a long name doesn't mean everything. And Golgi, whoever he is, is a narcissistic guy who tries to name a important part of everyone's cells after himself. What a jerk. And why can't he choose a bigger part. Oh ya, that's right, they are all taken up by Mr. Hand and Mr. Feet. And don't go thinking you're so smooth, you smooth ER, it doesn't that just because you have a long and cool name and the fact that you make hormones and stuff that you're any more important than anything. 'Everyone belongs to everyone else', you can't do nothing without the central government chasing after you with his Military RNAs, Reservist RNAs and Temporary RNAs. The cell is a dictatorship remember, governed by a council of secretive DNAs grouping into secretive groups called Chromosomes, which are so twisted and turned in their organisation that you won't find where's the top and where's the bottom. Its a harsh new world. You see those Ribosomes everywhere, on those ER walls? Secret police is what they are. Constantly monitoring everything in the cell, and sending out proteins to tame any would be misfits. And do you think they are gonna miss you when you're gone? The ribosomes are just gonna replace you by asking the ER to make more of you.

The cell is a difficult place to live.

Rainbow connection

haha. just something to destress me a little. and a little something for my friends from khatib. haha. so. enjoy.

It begins now.

I am not really a believer of making new year resolutions right at the start of every year, 'cause we all know that no year starts on the 1st of January and none really ends on the stroke of midnight on 31st December. How could we know what we want to achieve when there isn't anything to be achieved? Which was why i left it till now to write my new year resolution. For finally there seems to be some direction, a general trend in the flow. A certain know what in this chaotic order.

Like finally i had my first real lectures in what has been a long long time (no. medic course doesn't count). And it was inspiring to say the least. To be among giants in education, I have not seen this day of which i was genuinely interested in what they had to say. Not in my wildest dreams, alright, maybe not wildest. that i felt that the day will come where my ideals are found to be shared not by one but by a thousand.

And so yeah. This year.

1. Stay healthy. and fit. and cool.
Its been a life long dream to be like the heroes i worship. Rocky. Green Lantern. all seem to have ripped bodies. but that is not my aim. My aim is just to be fitter than i ever was. My peak is coming, i can feel it. And i need to reach that peak.

2. Further hone my guitar skills.
After walking down the streets of melbourne and looking at the buskers and the street performances, i suddenly feel vastly inadequate and seriously need to improve further before making a name as a street artist. haha.

3. Find my footing.
There has been so many false dawns of being independent. They said JC was the start of independence. And then told me that the army makes you a independent man. But it is living alone now, facing four walls that echo my every word, that makes me feel truly free. Free from the restrictions set on me by others. And its in this freedom that i must find my footing. To answer my responsibilities and stand tall. This is the start.

I would have written many more things down. Like getting certain grades or hitting certain quotas. But no. They are not my resolutions. those are mere targets, roadside postboxes for me to smash on my way down my highway. But yeah. the goals have been set. Now. To infinity and beyond?


This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home