midpoint conclusion

And thus it ends, with a spin of the wheel and the taste of merlot. For 5% at least. and the first half of my first year overseas conclude. I'm immensely tired from the paper and its preparation and all the great fun i had today. But yeah. I thought i would write a few things before the night is done.

And its been a little more than 4 months here in melbourne, alright. fine. Clayton. And i am actually suprised at how well it went. Like true, there have been ups and downs and some episodes of epicness with some moments of homesickness. But yeah. Its been great.

I would have wrote more. but yeah. that would be wierd. In a way at least. And So i shall leave it here. sipping my Cabernet Merlot. But yeah.

Thank you. Nurul, Cheryl, Coral, Chelsea, Chris, Wei Ming, Sufandy, Joel, Jean, Chee Cheen, Kenneth. For making my melbourne days so far A-awesome. Gonna miss you guys when you are back in singapore man. haha. cheers!

Here i sit amongst my pile of notes. read and unread. While acute stress raises my body histamine levels, making my skin itch. ("what? in which set of notes was that? Acute inflammation? Stress management?", Medicine kid #1059) Death, Dying and Palliative care sprawled out in front of me. Random coincidence? or forewarning of some sort?

My brain is not functioning. Well, it shouldn't be. I did not study about it. Skipped that part from that chapter on nerves.

Hell. 16 hours away.
20 till it freezes over.

Maybe its the living in this cell of mine.
Maybe its the MSG.
Maybe its the repeated studying.
Mayve its just me.

Can't seem to calm myself down to study today. and its just 3 short/long days left. dammit.

3 more.

Alive.

I am not dead.

not in the literal sense of the word anyway. Its been almost a month now since i last posted. And contradicting popular belief, i am still well alive and kicking. Though sometimes i'm not really sure about the well part. I'm flooded now my a torrent of microorganisms while trying to find my footing in the ever changing realm of pharmacology. Cancer shines high upon the skies, and good things never happen when that is the case.

Alright. enough nonsense. not in the trascription, translation manner.

Back to studying.

Hall Room musical :scene 1

What's so amazing,
That keeps us stargazin'?
And what do we think we might see?

Was just looking at the stars on my way home and was once again captivated like i always am. And the stars brought me to those old days where i tried to catch one of them and trap them in my hands. And yeah. That star wasn't there.

But,

Someday we'll find it,
The rainbow connection,
The lovers, The dreamers, and me.

Its still me, Strumming my guitar ever so tenderly, wrapping my hands around her slender neck. And then.

I looked at the world,
and i know it is turning.
Still my guitar, gently weeps.

Till next time, my friends.

Better Together

Enjoy.

About missing home.

I thought i wouldn't. But here i am. Thinking bout the green green grass of home, strumming my ukulele and blowing my harmonica. You know like how the greatest of dams could be fell by the smallest of holes. The waves of emo could be triggered by the smallest means, by the smallest familiar scent of home, which did not came from home at all. Or by the striking of a mis-played chord, the same one I played lying on my queen sized bed, staring at my unevenly painted green walls. Or the wind hitting me at a specific angle and speed, fooling my nerves into believing i was on my couch once more, reading a book or listening to a song. And sometimes, it need no trigger at all. Just suddenly from the back of your brain, Mr Wong-Inside says Hi.

And then you think about home. About whether your walls are still green. If the carpet you wanted for your room is already in your room. Whether dust has been collecting on your books, or your bed. Or did your parents white sheet everything, as though you no longer belonged to this world. And did they lock the door, maybe to spare themselves the thought of you being overseas, and if they did, would it be forever? And if they didn't, is it now a guest room, open for all walks of life to rest in, to flip through your carefully sorted by author and alphebet books, or your closet, and all the bones you hide in it. And will they sweep under the bed and the table, to find pieces of you left behind, pieces you don't even notice you've left behind.

And then you think more about home and the people. What did they cook yesterday? Is it vegetarian? What happened to the colour lights of the living room, or the computer to which you hold the master password. And the kitchen, and that all so familiar sight of mum, and that all so wonderful scent of vegetables frying in a pan, or soup in a pot, or cake in the stove. And then you think about the food you're having here, and suddenly everything seems too salty, or too oily, or too bland, or too tasteful, or tasteless, or sweet, or sour. And Someone cooked you what you want, and you still feel something's missing though you can't tell what. And then the piano, do your sister still play it, that loud annoying song that rings through the whole house. And is that player on the altar still working, do it still play? And do we still have sports on TV when i return? If i return.

And you think outside your home. Is that tree still there, or that empty field, have they started building something there. And your friends, do they still hang out at the same places, is the macs still 24/7. Do they still get the front 4 rows seats in the cinema, and who gets the spoilt com during LAN now? or do they LAN at all.

And then you think. and you think. and you think.

And you say damn.
I'm not supposed to be missing home at all.

And you shrug.
And say 'Oh wells'

And life goes on.

Till nxt time.

Hello. Its been long once again.

It is customary for me to ask a question like 'have you ever felt this' or 'have you ever felt that'. But I am not going to this time. For I believe everyone has. And should have, felt as though he is standing against crashing waves, which seeks not to break you, not to destroy you by its brute force, but to drown you in its swirling currents and overlapping tides. Suddenly when the waves of studies and social life and the future comes crashing down on you, you feel not that you are not strong enough to stand up to them all, just not tall enough to stand above them all.

No wonder medicine students have the highest suicide rates.

I wanted to write a continuation to a story i once wrote. But someone changed my mood so i'm no longer able to continue writing that story now. But yes. I've more to say.

Something about how parents do not belong in facebook. Nor anyone who isn't actually a friend for that matter. Sure i know you guys care and want to be our friends, but truth is, you are already more than that (parents are, at least). You guys are people who we are already truthful to, and facebook, to a certain extent at least, is part of our social image we have to uphold, so we can't be your little boy or girl at home on there, or on our blogs, or whatever. Its the reason some of you are on limited profile (Yes, you are) and some of your comments are deleted. And one of the reasons i am not forthright in my writing, or why you are sometimes blocked on my msn. Yes, I'm sorry. But me outside, is just not the same as me at home. I know you will ask me, why so? why must you be not yourself outside. But i'm not, I'm both me at home and me outside. Its something we all are, We are not 2 dimensional, we have more facets than a diamond could ever have, and more sides than any polygon, and its this facets, and this angles that makes us reflect the brightest amongst all. This is us. I am more than that. Since young i have always craved freedom and privacy, perhaps as much as everyone else, perhaps more. But i know privacy comes with a price. The price of distance and the price of our relationships. Which is why i do not push for total freedom and privacy, for i will call that isolation. But yes, give me my cyber privacy, and my internet freedom. For you guys do not belong online, you guys are in my heart.

of emptiness

Alright. 2 months in, and finally a weekday away from the hustle and bustle of school life. And in this quiet i found instead of peace, a little irritation and a little annoyance. Something that bothers my mind to no end. Maybe i am sick, or maybe that's not the main reason. Maybe its because my world seems blurred today, without my specs (2 pairs of specs broke in 2 months here, not my fault). And maybe even, its because the sun is now setting a little after 6pm, disturbing my inner chakra or something like that, who knows.

School has now settled into a series of lectures and tutorials and running away from them, as i slowly machinate myself again as i slowly try to find ways to accomodate this machination. Like i want to enjoy studying, but my little friend called stress is not allowing that. Just when i thought i was going good at my own pace, little stress comes along knocking. And so the tussling and fighting begins again.

But then again, it may just be the specs. Like i don't feel right seeing things but not seeing them right. Like i am missing my eye of the tiger or something.

Its wierd, but its true, how life occurs in cyclical flows. Awesomeness days are often followed by days in the shithole. Like 2 weeks ago things will going rockingly, my toner still has ink, my guitar was restrung, itunes on shuffle were churning out good songs, and i was basically having the time of my life, and most importantly, i had my specs on or at least contacts on some days. Today, after accumulation of several days, I am 63 dollars poorer, my toner is out, my itunes tell me that there is gonna be 'heartache tonight' , and even soccer didn't feel right just now. And when soccer don't feel right, things ain't right.

Like you know, how sometimes you just feel souless, like, no, its not a sudden loss of sensation, more of a slow accumulation of everything that leaves you just tired, void of feelings, and just sitting around not thinking. Not unlike losing a love that you never had, or suddenly realising that the full moon wasn't actually full.

Today is a day i miss my friends.

Oh well. Time for Star Wars Ep 6. Lets let luke try to cheer me up.

till next time.