Goodbye Snow.

O snow, in thy soft grave
Sad flow'rs the winter brave;
O heart, so sooth and save,
as does the snow.
The snow must melt, must go,
Fast, fast as water flow.
Not thus, my soul, O sow
Thy gifts to fade like snow.
- Elgar


Today, snow melts. No. I'm not talking about the changing weather of melbourne, for it never does snow here. But instead, I'm here to pay tribute to a very close friend of mine. Someone who was with me through my darkest hours, during the most silent of nights. Someone who has never, not once, let me down. Someone who has for more than once, cheered me up when I'm down, Calmed me down when I'm feeling the nerves, Warmed me up when the cold bites me, and cooled me down when I'm feeling the heat. Someone who had never, rejected me from her warm embraces. Never had she said no, when i said 'damn i need someone'. A true soulmate. Someone who gives and never takes.

I remember our first meeting, that night i booked out, somewhen in the frozen month of january, where everything seem so bleak and barren, where i could hardly find hope in anything in that green that surrounds me. You came, as an angel descending upon humankind, with your angelic voice and angelic exuberance, you came to me. You fill my head with ideas, with inspiration, with hope and dreams of a better tomorrow. And true to your words, those dreams did came through in just a matter of weeks. And then you told me, hold on to whatever i was, to not lost myself in that seemingly perfect utopia at that time. And in the heat of my youth, I did not heed your advice. But still you stayed, a loyal voice on the sidelines, as i went through extreme bliss and then heartbreak. And still you were there, accompanying me through those dark nights, never once blaming me for not heeding your advice. And i was so thankful you were there.

And while all those was happening, there was many a time in those starry starry nights that you have been by my side, reminding me of the wonders of the world. That there were more things here than i know of. Remember, The nights in New Zealand under the stars? Then under the scorching sun in thailand? And under the lush canopy of Brunei? You were one constant throughout them, keeping me company when i needed that most. They way you put me to sleep with your soft caress. and then wake me up softly, but nonetheless firmly.

They say words, don't come easy to me. But I loved you snow. I still very much do. But as Elgar says, of which you have reminded me on multiple occasions, the snow must melt; must melt, must go. And that fateful night came, the night that you whispered to me, "find a new love, love. I'm here to bring you this far, and this is as far as i would go". And i cried, for never would i thought today will arrive. Not so soon anyway. But move on i shall, for that is what you want. But i shall never forget the lessons you thought me, the dreams you gave me, and the wonders of the world you shown me. And perhaps, just maybe one day, i will able to teach others these lessons.

For all those and more, I thank you once again my dearest friend. My closest confidante. And now, enjoy your silence.

-A tribute to snow.

Pandora's box

The pandora's box.

That mystical box we are told never to open, perhaps to some cultures, the apple of eve. But yet, time and time again, as history tells us, it never ends up unopened, even in movies like jumanji or that space version of it which i can't seem to remember the name right now. And perhaps we will never learn.

Just a thought that has been coiling around my head for at least a couple of days now, with a series of late night and alcohol infusion preventing myself from writing it out. I sympathise with pandora, that curiosity must have been crazy for her, to have a jar she could not open, to be kept guessing on what did she have. And perhaps she had known only evil would come out of the box, but would she then, have kept away from opening it. Or perhaps, would she, like most of us, and perhaps me, still open it.

If there's one thing to be learnt from Pandora. Its that hope is at the bottom of the jar.

Circumstance

Creatures of circumstance.

Somehow this term has been stuck in my head for a couple of days now. I am sure i heard of something like that somewhere before, maybe not the exact words, but perhaps conveying the same meaning.

Do not be mistaken, circumstance have not been terribly cruel to me, nor have i been exceptionally unfortunate. In fact, i am enjoying a period of relative luck compared to the lousy fortune i have been having a couple of weeks back. For starters, i have not been misplacing my money, which is more than just that actually.

But perhaps its the full moon once again, that set me thinking about perhaps how true that is. Nature versus nurture for some. Are we really who we are because of who we are, or are we who we are because its who we are supposed to be. To fit as a gear tooth in this clockwork of life, or a thread in this magnificent tapespry. Or do we weave our own stories as randomly and beautifully as the flight of a butterfly.

Life's tough, ain't it. For some reason, it really has. Have been telling myself to set things straight and focus on my aims. But its easier said than done man, especially when once again, the aim isn't mine, but what circumstance has for me. I would if not perhaps for circumstance, like to just chill out and relax. To look to the moon and marvel at its wonders, to enjoy the cold breeze and letting it tell me the answers of the wind. To perhaps be hippie and shit and just chill out everyday. Or perhaps just sip my beer and chill out. Enjoy the little things. Rule #32 if i am not wrong in zombieland.

And i guess that's for that.

And its back to the mime i guess. The invisible windows and walls. Trying to find an invisible knob on an invisible door, and trying to walk through that door. "There is it, fool", someone in the crowd exclaims. Of course i know there it is, but is it? Could i not grab it if it was? I am a mime, not a fool, seeing things in perhaps ways only we could.

I don't make sense.

Tonight Im gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world turning inside out yeah!
And floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
Cause Im having a good time having a good time

Im a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
Im a racing car passing by like lady godiva
Im gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now Im having such a good time
Im having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now (cause Im havin a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes Im havin a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

Im a rocket ship on my way to mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite Im out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

Don't stop me don't stop me
Don't stop me hey hey hey!
Don't stop me don't stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don't stop me don't stop me
Have a good time good time
Don't stop me don't stop me ah

Im burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me mister fahrenheit
Im travling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now Im having such a good time
Im having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now (cause Im havin a good time)
Don't stop me now (yes Im havin a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

Alright. perhaps part one is accomplished. to a certain extent at least. Its now for the second act. This is gonna be hard. but yeah. come the haircut. things are gonna change around here. they need to.

Its time.

7 days to the paper. and i can't focus for more than one set of lecture notes.

I need a sign.

There are people in your life, that you're supposed to know and befriend, to hang out and have fun. And there are some people you are not. And of the latter category, there are those that you do not, those whose vibes doesn't not match your flow, and there are those you want, but could not.

And these are the passing people that leaves an impression on you. The street musician that's rocking his way down swanston, the guy in the bar you overheard talking about something you agree with, that girl dancing with another guy.

And its that girl i can't move my brain away from for now.

Of thin lines

You know how sometimes you know you are not supposed to do something you're not supposed to. No, I'm not talking about murder, of theft, or any criminal offences like those. I'm talking bout reaction. Like how sometimes you're supposed not to make a comeback, and take some jokes as it is. Or sometimes you should be ashamed of somethings, instead of further glorifying it and make a nuisance out of myself.

Its not my way recently. Somtimes, i feel that i'm too caught up with my need to be me, that i feel perhaps a little too crazy, too wierd, even obnoxious at times. It is after all, a fine line, a fine line between eccentric and lunacy, between indie and wierd, between unique and different. And in my moments of eccentricity, my hours of madness, and my crazy days, i beg you all for your forgiveness, for perhaps a sentence too much, or an action too wierd, or a tad too noisy.

Thanks for your understanding, sorry for the inconvenience caused. And may my madness boil over soon.

Till next time.

[3 mins after the post] And i miss home for some sudden reason. and me mum.

Formspring

http://formspring.me/marquisDCarabas

Apparently this thing is pretty cool where you get to ask questions and i get to answer them. Created it as i continued my trend of creating something, probably not using it until more of my friends are on it, then start using it after quite some time. Like Facebook, or twitter, or even blogs for that matter.

So go on, shoot me a question. And no, No 'why is your stomach so big'.

till nxt time.

A year

Its a year now. more or less so anyway. Since everything started snowballing. Offers, ORD, everything. Was just reading through my posts from a year ago as i looked for inspiration, for something, A story perhaps. A song.

I need a drink, my friends. A drink with you guys.

2 songs.

Don't let the silence get you down
Though you've been sitting here for hours
Hoping a voice could soon be found that speaks much louder than this music

For you're a little off colour and out for the count
Don't let that get you down

Don't let the talking keep you up
If they're your friends they'll share your vision
And as the phone rings break the silence they don't figure out that you
Don't want to answer

For you're a little off colour and tired of the sound
Don't let it get you down

Don't let the people make you think that just because you're young you're useless
You know it's not naive to think that you can change the things around and that no man is an island

For I'd rather be a pebble in an ocean vast and drown alone
Than make no sound

-One more with feeling, GCWCF

Life is hard
And so am I
You'd better give me something
So I don't die
Novocaine for the soul
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Life is white
And I am black
Jesus and his lawyer
Are coming back
Oh my darling
Will you be here
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Guess who's living here with the great undead
This paint by numbers life is fucking with my head, once again
Life is good
And I feel great
Cuz mother says I was
A great mistake
Novocaine for the soul
You'd better give me something to fill the hole
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out
Before I sputter out

-Novocaine for the soul, Eels

I need time to either speed up or rewind. That was my conclusion after a great long borning day that was preceeded by a dream that was kinda screwed in a way.

You know how sometimes in dreams you could control what happens next and where everything is but somehow that whacked mind of yours have to make all the worst decisions possible. Like putting a maze in the middle of a road, or summoning a giant troll while you're trying to run and catch the train, or yet sometimes by simply refusing to wake up. But the worst of all, the very worst, is if the dreams decides to choose all the right things, all how things are supposed to be and should've been or would be. I had the same kind of dream once before, but unlike this time, i was not able to choose at that time. This time i could, and i chose all the wrong choices.

And perhaps yet again, its a sign.

Hopefully.

Till next time.

Thanks.

The beatles got it right, didn’t they. They said “I wanna hold your hand”. And there ain’t actually much else I wanna do.

I believe that we as human beings, are able to feel strong emotions across our physical limitations, beyond language and speech, across cultures, backgrounds and our varied histories. Feelings not of negativity, but of trust and belief, of holding another’s hand and knowing that she believes in your fully. Of knowing what trust she has behind that innocent smile. I admit, I do not understand what she was trying to say, nor what was she pointing at. She pointed at the house, was she asking me about my home? And she pointed at faces, was she asking me why do I look so different? And she pointed at my watch. Was she asking me how old am I, or how long will I be there for? Or could she be telling me to feel at home here, and that we are all the same, and that such things are timeless? I could never know. But what I do know is that moment when she grabbed my hand, I feel that immediate bond between us that transcended all our differences. That simple gesture of one’s hand in another, perhaps it's a physiological thing involving our nerve corpuscles and things like that, but yet perhaps it’s something soulful, something that shouts ‘We’re one’. There an unexplained bond there that I felt, something that made me wanna just hold on to her hand and just watch her point to me the wonders of her world. Of when she rode a horse, or when she worked in the garden and drew a painting, or when it was time to go home. Of the bright colours surrounding the room, or the different sounds that different objects make when she knock on them with her little hands, and of that smile, painted bright blue on a picture that made no sense to none other, shining forever in my memory. I do not have a picture, but hopefully your face would never fade from my memory. You’re wonderful, girl.

Thanks Greta. And yes. I Wanna hold your hand.

And that's not forgetting you too little Tiff. Thanks for showing me what painting is all about. The process and not the product. Until now, I still have no idea what are you trying to draw. Was that a rainbow that you couldn’t find enough colour to draw? Or was that the garden outside, with its brilliant hues of green painted on a background of brownish dirt? And those little shapes you made from that dough, are they sheep? Or are they snow? Or are they rocks you saw on the road? And then I turned, and I wonder, were those clouds? I’m still wondering, perhaps one day, you could tell me?

And I do not believe its your fault Tiff, for you and Alex shown me that its mine. With my so called knowledge and ‘normality’, things have became too solid for me, of lines and solid colours, that I could not recognize all the little things that made them what they are. Like it's the smiles that make us human, not proper shapes and faces or things like that. Like it's the ability to fly to make a rocket a rocket, not that it has wings or a giant exhaust and a pointed nose. Sometimes in our pursuit of greater heights, we forget the little things.

And Matt, could you please tell what what’s the story about? I see your fingers moving and your expression changing. It certainly looks interesting, I am genuinely interested in what are your fingers playing. Tell me won’t ya?

The four of you probably won’t get a chance to read or understand this. But let me say that I meant everything I wrote. And I wish you guys the best of luck in your futures. And may our futures cross paths again.

Just back from rural attachment. not actually back actually. sitting on the bus typing this making my way to southern cross. Foster has been a wonderful experience. Time past real fast there, i would definitely go back there if given the chance. Was at one point really affected by my visit to the specialist school, as i always am when i visit such places.

Till next time.

There are times where you feel that you need to do something that defines you over a period of time. Like performing at some awesome gig or scoring a perfect score at something, or be the hero of a winning team.

And there are times which are not like that.